Rock throwing or not
I did something, well not smart the other night. A number of weeks ago a friend mentioned that I was being spoken badly of over on Cody's Live Journal. It wasn't a huge surprise I'm sorry to say. At first I didn't think anything of it, but it seemed to ferret it's way into my brain and make a nest there. So, the other night I rolled up my socks and decided to see if I could see what was being said about me. Color me surprised to discover that those journal entries were not hidden. So, as they pertained to me, his opinion of me, accusations made about me, and all manner of things involving our relationship, I didn't hesitate to read them. Since they're in the public domain now.
I read for a while, all the time shaking my head over the way Cody worked things out. I thought about leaving comments to defend myself. I thought about writing a nasty email or a scathing Live Journal post of my own. Where I laid out my case and named specific reasons why he was to blame. Thankfully I'm a veteran of enough relationships to know when to back away from the computer. I figured I could sleep on it. In the morning I realized that while I still wanted to return fire so to speak, it won't accomplish anything. Cody believes what he believes. Both about me and the break up. Though to be honest, I doubt any answer I gave Cody would've sufficed. He's made up his mind about what happened, and that's that. It's out of my hands. Cody's friends and faithful supporters believe what he tells them. Why not? They don't know me, so why should they listen to what I've got to say. The answer is they won't. Even people I thought were at least acquaintances of mine have appeared to side with Cody in this matter.
I thought I was doing the right thing, by not turning my journal into a public pulpit about how I was hurt. I thought I was taking the high road. Guess I was wrong. I've been spoken about in the worst of ways! It hurts, it really really does, but it's not something I have any control over. I can't make any of them believe that he was just as responsible for our break up as I was. I can't make them believe that Cody may in fact be more emotionally screwed up than I am. I can't make them understand that I did my grieving for this relationship even before it was over. That I spent months struggling both in and out of therapy to come to terms with the fact that it was dying and that it might not be salvageable. The people of Live Journal, they don't know me. They didn't see me everyday for months on end as I lived through it. The people who I love, the people who do believe me... yeah, those people were around for every unpleasant jolt of the entire painful journey. Those are the people who are with me, and I've got to stop worrying about what a bunch of strangers say when he spews his vitriol about me.
I did begin a new relationship. We've all had rebounds, I don't know why that fact is so shocking. And for the record I didn't have a new boyfriend while I was still engaged! I'm hurt that Cody would think so badly of me. My new relationship began after my engagement ended. Period! Who he is and where he came from, I don't think any of that is Cody's business. Do I think this new guy is it? That I'll find eternal happiness with him? Considering what I've just been through, the answer is hellz no! I'll be pleased if this lasts a year. This isn't an epic romance I'm on. This is about comfort, about someone being sweet to me. After a solid year of anger and hostilities I just want someone to be on my side, and this guy is. I've known many of you who read this journal to do similar things. To seek the comfort of another person after having been hurt. It's part of the aftermath, and not just for me.
I also know I said that I wanted us to remain friends when we broke up. I probably should've elaborated on what I meant at the time. I didn't want it to break into open warfare. I didn't want our friends to take sides. I didn't want to make the apartment a battle zone with a line down the center. I wanted to be civil at the very least. All things considered, I thought it happened just like that. After every break up I've had, I know that I need to get distance from my ex. I need time to hide, lick my wounds, get my feelings together and get some perspective on the situation before I can go get coffee with the bloke. Apparently this is something that Cody doesn't need. I did what I did to take care of myself, and I don't see why that upset him so.
So there you go. Despite wanting to point fingers and highlight unpleasant details about Cody's faults, I hope I've managed to refrain. I hope I'm learning from past relationship mistakes. I hope Cody is able to be happy eventually. I think the decision to end it was the right one. And I think I knew we weren't going to work out as far back as his public sex post. Shame on me for trying to salvage something from that plane crash I guess. But it's done now, and it appears to be the best thing for each of us. Hopefully now that he's gotten his closure and I've said my piece, we can all move on to what's awaiting us elsewhere. Because dwelling on last year is just.....yeah.
I read for a while, all the time shaking my head over the way Cody worked things out. I thought about leaving comments to defend myself. I thought about writing a nasty email or a scathing Live Journal post of my own. Where I laid out my case and named specific reasons why he was to blame. Thankfully I'm a veteran of enough relationships to know when to back away from the computer. I figured I could sleep on it. In the morning I realized that while I still wanted to return fire so to speak, it won't accomplish anything. Cody believes what he believes. Both about me and the break up. Though to be honest, I doubt any answer I gave Cody would've sufficed. He's made up his mind about what happened, and that's that. It's out of my hands. Cody's friends and faithful supporters believe what he tells them. Why not? They don't know me, so why should they listen to what I've got to say. The answer is they won't. Even people I thought were at least acquaintances of mine have appeared to side with Cody in this matter.
I thought I was doing the right thing, by not turning my journal into a public pulpit about how I was hurt. I thought I was taking the high road. Guess I was wrong. I've been spoken about in the worst of ways! It hurts, it really really does, but it's not something I have any control over. I can't make any of them believe that he was just as responsible for our break up as I was. I can't make them believe that Cody may in fact be more emotionally screwed up than I am. I can't make them understand that I did my grieving for this relationship even before it was over. That I spent months struggling both in and out of therapy to come to terms with the fact that it was dying and that it might not be salvageable. The people of Live Journal, they don't know me. They didn't see me everyday for months on end as I lived through it. The people who I love, the people who do believe me... yeah, those people were around for every unpleasant jolt of the entire painful journey. Those are the people who are with me, and I've got to stop worrying about what a bunch of strangers say when he spews his vitriol about me.
I did begin a new relationship. We've all had rebounds, I don't know why that fact is so shocking. And for the record I didn't have a new boyfriend while I was still engaged! I'm hurt that Cody would think so badly of me. My new relationship began after my engagement ended. Period! Who he is and where he came from, I don't think any of that is Cody's business. Do I think this new guy is it? That I'll find eternal happiness with him? Considering what I've just been through, the answer is hellz no! I'll be pleased if this lasts a year. This isn't an epic romance I'm on. This is about comfort, about someone being sweet to me. After a solid year of anger and hostilities I just want someone to be on my side, and this guy is. I've known many of you who read this journal to do similar things. To seek the comfort of another person after having been hurt. It's part of the aftermath, and not just for me.
I also know I said that I wanted us to remain friends when we broke up. I probably should've elaborated on what I meant at the time. I didn't want it to break into open warfare. I didn't want our friends to take sides. I didn't want to make the apartment a battle zone with a line down the center. I wanted to be civil at the very least. All things considered, I thought it happened just like that. After every break up I've had, I know that I need to get distance from my ex. I need time to hide, lick my wounds, get my feelings together and get some perspective on the situation before I can go get coffee with the bloke. Apparently this is something that Cody doesn't need. I did what I did to take care of myself, and I don't see why that upset him so.
So there you go. Despite wanting to point fingers and highlight unpleasant details about Cody's faults, I hope I've managed to refrain. I hope I'm learning from past relationship mistakes. I hope Cody is able to be happy eventually. I think the decision to end it was the right one. And I think I knew we weren't going to work out as far back as his public sex post. Shame on me for trying to salvage something from that plane crash I guess. But it's done now, and it appears to be the best thing for each of us. Hopefully now that he's gotten his closure and I've said my piece, we can all move on to what's awaiting us elsewhere. Because dwelling on last year is just.....yeah.