Remembering both the good AND the bad
“I want to see him running around the floor, charming the nurses while simultaneously driving them wild. (That’s definitely one of his ‘gifts.’)”
Oh, that line made me smile and giggle SOOOOO much. It’s so true. When someone passes away you always sit here and remember all the good things they did, all the times they were there for you and made you smile, all the best about someone. Rarely do you sit there and say negative things. However, that line brought it back to memory: sometimes Jared wouldn’t listen and he would drive ume INSANE!!
Yesterday, even though it was Sunday, I had to work. I have enough seniority now where I get Sundays off now, but because Spirit West Coast is this Wednesday (how did that sneak up on me?) I worked so I could have the later days off and able to attend (and WORK HARD!) I was, however, able to attend youth group. I walked in, said hi to kids, and got asked by a lady there why didn’t I bring my child…. o.O (That one still confuses me. This lady attends our church but she has no kids in the youth group. So why she was there and why on earth she thought I had a child is still a mystery to me)
As soon as Carolina saw me she had a gift for me. “Only to borrow, you have to give it back to the church.” I was confused. She had a gift for me, but one I had to give back?? That’s not really a gift, is it? I was confused.
She went into the kitchen and brought out a book and handed it to me with a huge smile. I saw the book and read the title. ICU Mom...ummmmm….okay….? I was more confused now. I saw it and read the back. I had no clue why she was handing me that book. One the cover there was a young guy in a hospital bed covered in tubes. I couldn’t understand why she gave me this book. Did she think I had someone in the ICU? I had been in one because of grandma just a couple of days before, but I had no clue.
I really did have a o.O face, really. Carolina must have noticed that because she said, “That’s your friend!!!” I was a little more confused. “Your friend that moved to Kansas!” Even more confused for I knew no one that had moved to Kansas. I then read the name of the author. “Maureen Leonard Thomas. Wait…Maureen Thomas…Jared Thomas…Jared’s mom…THAT’S JARED!!!”
She was close but not quite. Jared and his mom had moved to Little Rock, Arkansas. Not Kansas, Arkansas. I giggled and corrected Carolina and she laughed at herself too.
She went on to explain that Jared’s mom has been there that morning and had written this book. She brought a few copies as gifts, and the one she gave me belong to the church. Carolina really didn’t know Jared, but she knew I did and she knew how much I loved him, how closed we got, and how much his death affected. She said she told Alfredo (her husband, and our Associate Pastor), “JP NEEDS to be one of the first people to read the book.”
She gave it to me last night and I started to read it this morning and am about halfway through already. She wrote the book as a way to help parents who have children in the ICU. In the intro she said she wished she could have had access to such information while she was going through all this. She also incorporated her journal entries in the book. In the preface she wrote a lot about Jared’s life and history, and xv (yeah, not even in the actual book yet) I was in tears.
Her journal entries I had already read on-line, but it could the old school person that I am (I mean, come on, I still go to record stores and buy physical CDs!!!), reading them printed in a book made them official, legit, and more than anything, REAL!!
Maybe it was because my last encounter with Jared was so whatever, a hug, an “I miss you,” a “Take care;” maybe also because all the other funerals I went to had an open casket and Jared’s only had an urn; maybe it’s because I go back and always look at pictures and read our old IM conversation; maybe it’s because I log onto to AOL and see his SN on my buddy list (never deleted it); maybe it’s because I wish I had spent more time with him and somehow forget and feel I will get to again; I don’t know, but him dying was just never real.
However, somehow having this book in hands makes solidifies the fact of how real it is.
I often find myself thinking about Jared: how close we got in such a short time, how others said they loved how much love I showed him, all our conversation, all the little things he did to make me smile (written plenty about them in the past, no need to re-write them now), I think about them, I really do. They come more prominent when I go to baseball games, especially when I take Jared with me. (Weeks soon after Jared passed I celebrated my 25th birthday. As my gift Megan bought me a purple Angels rally monkey. I always name everything, especially stuffed animals. The only name I could have named him was Jared.)
So, I got to page 108 and read that quote, smiled, and giggled. I have never read something more true ever in my life. Jared, I loved you, you know how true that is, but man, sometimes you just drove ME CRAZY!!!
Oh, I could go on and list example after example. I remember often times he wouldn’t listen to me. I was 21, but he would say, “I’m not going to listen to you, you’re just 13.” (He was referring to the fact that I looked so young, he felt I looked 13 and was part of the youth group rather than a leader. That was his “excuse” not to listen to my direction.) One specific incident that stands out in my mind more than the rest was in Mexico. We were having some serious debriefing time, and there went Jared, being silly and making a joke out of everything. That made Alona mad, and she let him have it. It wasn’t long before David scolded him. I remember he came to me for refuge and support. He was a charmer and looked at me with sad puppy eyes. I hugged him and I was like, “Awww, poor Jared, getting attacked by everyone!!” Then it hit me, “WAIT! Why were you doing that? Hey, that was wrong, you should be scolded.”
He and this other youth boy would give me so much trouble because they never wanted to listen to me. It was my first time working with younger kids of that age and I found it so frustrating that they wouldn’t listen. Even though at the time I was so frustrated, I look back now and laugh. Now I see that Jared being Jared. He learned to listen to me, and I learned to love his hugs and his smile. He still needed scolding sometimes (Okay, often times), but he was still a good hearted kid that on so many occasions made me feel better and smile.
*sigh* Jared, I still miss you. Oh what I wouldn’t give for you to drive me crazy again.