Jellybeans
I really didn't know where to go with this one. My immediate response is to be silly and sarcastic, because that's how I roll, but at the same time this is serious business. This is a major, major thing. Lives hang in the balance. I don't want to shoot down everything the Republicans say simply for the sake of disagreeing with them. Therefore I wanted to kind of weave in a solemn, legitimate tone....but then I realized that ripping on appearances and taking easy shots was so much more entertaining. So no real kudos will be given. I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum.
For starters, I've never seen so many pearl necklaces in my life. (.......)....
Oh, Maverick. If only the teleprompter hadn't jammed at several intervals, you wouldn't have sounded like a wind-up toy that needed a twist. And if only the blue screen behind you hadn't malfunctioned and bathed you in green- the color of money- your fave.
As far as visuals go, that turkey neck does it for me. It's almost as if the extra skin that Cindy McCain had removed during her fifth face lift was sewn directly on to your jowls. He's like a squirrel holding nuts for the winter in those things. On the plus side, your ears looked especially elvish tonight, which made me think of Christmas and how the season allows one to drink large amounts of alcohol with a valid excuse. The guy looks like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers after he lost weight and noted that his neck kind of looked like a vagina.
Cindy McCain. My personal moniker of choice is The Crypt Keeper, but for the sake of originality let's call her MJ2, because she is one step away from becoming Michael Jackson. No more surgeries, girlfriend. Ever see that Gary Larson cartoon where the Sphinx's nose fell off because the sculptor made one chisel too many? She practically looks Korean.
Fashion-wise, iridescent silk was all the rage with Cindy and Sarah, who hugged forcedly at the end of the speech.
In the opening video, a biography of McCain's life (which was surprisingly non-epic for over seven decades of it) we see Cindy cradling an orphan baby. Oh look, little rich girl visits an orphanage....surrounded by media so that everyone can see it! I visited an orphanage in Cambodia and brought the kids rice. I did that to help. I didn't take 1,000 photos to show to my friends to prove that I was a good person or to relieve my guilt of having been better off. She ended up taking one of the babies home- like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka, "Daddy I want a golden egg! Let me take one hooooooome" ::stomps foot until demands are met::
Roberta McCain, the mom. Holy shit this lady went to kindergarten with Jesus. She's so old she's probably senile enough to believe she actually did. She wore all white, like an angel. Or like a ghost, which she will be very very soon as she is "96 years young". She freaks me out worse than MJ2. During the intro bio video, it kept cutting to her smiling or saying that McCain was a "momma's boy". That shit gets you beat up in school until you scream uncle, it does NOT get you elected president. At least now we know where McCain gets his vagina neck from. I couldn't believe they brought her up on stage at the end; all that clapping and music, I was expecting her to implode into a pile of dust.
Major pluses spotted in the audience during the speech:
*An old guy wearing a red bow tie.
* An old lady wearing a red sparkly cowboy hat
* An old lady wearing a frog hat.
In fact the only elderly person who disappointed tonight was Roberta McCain, because you know, you have to learn when you're time is up. Like Bob Saget. Or anyone else that has lived through the ice age.
Early in, Democrats demonstrated that they know how to crash a party. A few protesters who had snuck in tried to run the stage, but were forcibly led away up the stairs by security in this awkward, violent, tango-dancing stance. What was more obstructive to McCain's speech was not the protesters but the incessant, loud chanting of "U-S-A" by the audience members. At one point McCain was clearly peeved. It was like Arsenio Hall, except there were no black people.
Cindy McCain tried to cry at one point- that point where John brought up his Vietnam War experience for the HUNDREDTH MILLION TIME- but she couldn't do it. Botox has its drawbacks. I wonder if she wanted to cry because John McCain wakes up every night in a cold sweat, choking her and screaming in Vietnamese. John McCain was like that guy at the party who is always like "..did I tell you about that time I caught Tommy trying to take apart the lawnmower?! Aw wait till you hear this one..." Only, you've heard it a billion times, and at this point its so unbearable you don't know whether to humor him or slip five laxatives in his martini. He needs a new shtick.
Sexual innuendos abounded. He told Obama that they would "go at it for two months". Then he talked about his experience in Vietnam (again) and said exactly these words:
I liked to strut a little after being roughed up, to show the guys I could take it.
Did they put it in his butt????
Afterwards he backed up Palin, saying that she has always fought corruption. Note to McCain: she is undergoing an ethics investigation in Alaska. He followed that up by saying that she "worked with her hands"...I bet she did!!!
Mostly, though, I was still left at a loss for what exactly he planned to do on a majority of the issues. If you go to Obama's website, his policies and plans are clearly outlined. I felt that it was more an attempt at motivation and inspiration rather than an actual representation of his campaign. It reminded me of my high school class president election speeches, when Erica Goodall promised to put pink toilet paper in the girls' bathroom and to have more soup choices in the cafeteria. But how? We never knew. And you guessed it- it never happened.
He warned against Obama's promises, saying that the Republicans want to cut taxes where they can (read: the rich) and that we should be able to "keep the fruits of our labors"....then mentioned that he cares about "the Latino daughter of migrant workers". Such as, the ones that clean all of his seven houses. I bet the servants were told not to look him directly in the eye and that all questions must be submitted in writing.
He claimed that he wants to "improve the lives of millions of Americans"...but he read the teleprompter wrong. What he really meant was "improve the lives of Americans with millions." Don't fall for Obama's health care plans, he said: a "bureaucrat will stand between you and your doctor!" Um, I don't have a doctor. Because I don't have health insurance. Because I can't afford it, and I work three jobs seven days a week. When I need stitches I just smoke a joint and pray for quick coagulation. I am accompanied by many, many Americans- so honestly, I can handle a bureaucrat standing between me and the doctor I will actually have. Maybe I will just work with my hands.
At the end all families of the candidates came on stage. McCain has seven kids and Palin has five...what is this, China???
He ended his speech with demands that we all enlist and stand up and fight! fight! fight! Yes, let's enlist. Let's all enlist! That way we can go to Iraq because we are world police. We care about people who are oppressed. Except those in Darfur, because there's no oil there, so who gives two shits?
I do agree that Obama has made a lot of hefty promises which insinuate speedy change, which is tough to deliver. I do agree with some of the points he made. The Republican candidate could have been a lot worse. But his speech was riddled with contradictions. Don't claim your country "saved" you and then repeatedly cite the times it put you In the Shit.
In that sense, this speech was like a bag of Jelly Bellys. You are nonplussed when you pull the popcorn-flavored bean, but you shrug and think "it could have been the licorice..." And it's true- he could have done a lot worse. There were points where I kind of nodded my head in understanding. I am a fierce Democrat, but that doesn't mean that I won't acknowledge a rational and valid comment when I hear one.
For example, I do agree with McCain that "every American has something to contribute". Here's my contribution, John:
For starters, I've never seen so many pearl necklaces in my life. (.......)....
Oh, Maverick. If only the teleprompter hadn't jammed at several intervals, you wouldn't have sounded like a wind-up toy that needed a twist. And if only the blue screen behind you hadn't malfunctioned and bathed you in green- the color of money- your fave.
As far as visuals go, that turkey neck does it for me. It's almost as if the extra skin that Cindy McCain had removed during her fifth face lift was sewn directly on to your jowls. He's like a squirrel holding nuts for the winter in those things. On the plus side, your ears looked especially elvish tonight, which made me think of Christmas and how the season allows one to drink large amounts of alcohol with a valid excuse. The guy looks like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers after he lost weight and noted that his neck kind of looked like a vagina.
Cindy McCain. My personal moniker of choice is The Crypt Keeper, but for the sake of originality let's call her MJ2, because she is one step away from becoming Michael Jackson. No more surgeries, girlfriend. Ever see that Gary Larson cartoon where the Sphinx's nose fell off because the sculptor made one chisel too many? She practically looks Korean.
Fashion-wise, iridescent silk was all the rage with Cindy and Sarah, who hugged forcedly at the end of the speech.
In the opening video, a biography of McCain's life (which was surprisingly non-epic for over seven decades of it) we see Cindy cradling an orphan baby. Oh look, little rich girl visits an orphanage....surrounded by media so that everyone can see it! I visited an orphanage in Cambodia and brought the kids rice. I did that to help. I didn't take 1,000 photos to show to my friends to prove that I was a good person or to relieve my guilt of having been better off. She ended up taking one of the babies home- like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka, "Daddy I want a golden egg! Let me take one hooooooome" ::stomps foot until demands are met::
Roberta McCain, the mom. Holy shit this lady went to kindergarten with Jesus. She's so old she's probably senile enough to believe she actually did. She wore all white, like an angel. Or like a ghost, which she will be very very soon as she is "96 years young". She freaks me out worse than MJ2. During the intro bio video, it kept cutting to her smiling or saying that McCain was a "momma's boy". That shit gets you beat up in school until you scream uncle, it does NOT get you elected president. At least now we know where McCain gets his vagina neck from. I couldn't believe they brought her up on stage at the end; all that clapping and music, I was expecting her to implode into a pile of dust.
Major pluses spotted in the audience during the speech:
*An old guy wearing a red bow tie.
* An old lady wearing a red sparkly cowboy hat
* An old lady wearing a frog hat.
In fact the only elderly person who disappointed tonight was Roberta McCain, because you know, you have to learn when you're time is up. Like Bob Saget. Or anyone else that has lived through the ice age.
Early in, Democrats demonstrated that they know how to crash a party. A few protesters who had snuck in tried to run the stage, but were forcibly led away up the stairs by security in this awkward, violent, tango-dancing stance. What was more obstructive to McCain's speech was not the protesters but the incessant, loud chanting of "U-S-A" by the audience members. At one point McCain was clearly peeved. It was like Arsenio Hall, except there were no black people.
Cindy McCain tried to cry at one point- that point where John brought up his Vietnam War experience for the HUNDREDTH MILLION TIME- but she couldn't do it. Botox has its drawbacks. I wonder if she wanted to cry because John McCain wakes up every night in a cold sweat, choking her and screaming in Vietnamese. John McCain was like that guy at the party who is always like "..did I tell you about that time I caught Tommy trying to take apart the lawnmower?! Aw wait till you hear this one..." Only, you've heard it a billion times, and at this point its so unbearable you don't know whether to humor him or slip five laxatives in his martini. He needs a new shtick.
Sexual innuendos abounded. He told Obama that they would "go at it for two months". Then he talked about his experience in Vietnam (again) and said exactly these words:
I liked to strut a little after being roughed up, to show the guys I could take it.
Did they put it in his butt????
Afterwards he backed up Palin, saying that she has always fought corruption. Note to McCain: she is undergoing an ethics investigation in Alaska. He followed that up by saying that she "worked with her hands"...I bet she did!!!
Mostly, though, I was still left at a loss for what exactly he planned to do on a majority of the issues. If you go to Obama's website, his policies and plans are clearly outlined. I felt that it was more an attempt at motivation and inspiration rather than an actual representation of his campaign. It reminded me of my high school class president election speeches, when Erica Goodall promised to put pink toilet paper in the girls' bathroom and to have more soup choices in the cafeteria. But how? We never knew. And you guessed it- it never happened.
He warned against Obama's promises, saying that the Republicans want to cut taxes where they can (read: the rich) and that we should be able to "keep the fruits of our labors"....then mentioned that he cares about "the Latino daughter of migrant workers". Such as, the ones that clean all of his seven houses. I bet the servants were told not to look him directly in the eye and that all questions must be submitted in writing.
He claimed that he wants to "improve the lives of millions of Americans"...but he read the teleprompter wrong. What he really meant was "improve the lives of Americans with millions." Don't fall for Obama's health care plans, he said: a "bureaucrat will stand between you and your doctor!" Um, I don't have a doctor. Because I don't have health insurance. Because I can't afford it, and I work three jobs seven days a week. When I need stitches I just smoke a joint and pray for quick coagulation. I am accompanied by many, many Americans- so honestly, I can handle a bureaucrat standing between me and the doctor I will actually have. Maybe I will just work with my hands.
At the end all families of the candidates came on stage. McCain has seven kids and Palin has five...what is this, China???
He ended his speech with demands that we all enlist and stand up and fight! fight! fight! Yes, let's enlist. Let's all enlist! That way we can go to Iraq because we are world police. We care about people who are oppressed. Except those in Darfur, because there's no oil there, so who gives two shits?
I do agree that Obama has made a lot of hefty promises which insinuate speedy change, which is tough to deliver. I do agree with some of the points he made. The Republican candidate could have been a lot worse. But his speech was riddled with contradictions. Don't claim your country "saved" you and then repeatedly cite the times it put you In the Shit.
In that sense, this speech was like a bag of Jelly Bellys. You are nonplussed when you pull the popcorn-flavored bean, but you shrug and think "it could have been the licorice..." And it's true- he could have done a lot worse. There were points where I kind of nodded my head in understanding. I am a fierce Democrat, but that doesn't mean that I won't acknowledge a rational and valid comment when I hear one.
For example, I do agree with McCain that "every American has something to contribute". Here's my contribution, John: