weirdest friendship I've ever had
More than halfway through the performances of the musical I'm in right now, so I've barely been home let alone online. But this needs to be recorded before it changes any more dramatically.
So last Thursday (night before opening night) I decided to be honest with him and tell him it's not fair to enjoy my affections for him if he doesn't return them. That was an awkward conversation. Without going into too much detail, he was remorseful and regretful for having lead me on. He said he finds me attractive but isn't "attracted" to me. Quote: "It wasn't fair to be so intimate with you when I knew you were more attracted to me than I am to you." I was like, ouch. But we agreed we wouldn't be any less affectionate too each other, as I said I didn't have a problem with that now that I knew where we stood.
Friday I was pissed off because I felt like I've been unattractive to him this whole time. Opening night was amazing, I was barely nervous, probably because I was more pre-occupied with that disappointing conversation.
Saturday I was less pissed off and just excited about the show.
And then everyone got drunk.
Long story short, he and I ended up making out after the party as we were walking home. I think I actually cornered him into it, as he was trying to fend me off by saying it was a bad idea since he is attracted to me but thinks due to clashing personalities a relationship would be a bad idea. At this stage I just wanted to know that he WANTED to kiss me, so said I didn't care for a relationship either. It's not exactly a lie. So I used my drunken logic to talk our way around every obstacle to having a bit of a kiss, and he caved, and it escalated.
We ended up at his house making out on the sofa and him removing as many items of my clothing as I would allow (which wasn't much, I stayed in my singlet top, although he did sneakily undo my bra at one point, a point which I rectified). He suggested several times that I go to his room, but I kept declining of course. Eventually I left at about 5:30.
Then we had two days off performing, so didn't see each other. Tuesday, when we did, absolutely no awkwardness. We sort of hintingly acknowledged what had been going on. Wednesday, slightly more acknowledgement, slightly more flirting.
Thursday, today, went over to his place to watch a DVD. Cuddled the whole time. Then after, kissed on his sofa until I said (many times) that we should really go out to get dinner before performing.
Then spent the entire show when not on stage actively seeking out opportunities to sneak out of the green room and make out, mostly in the wings during scenes that didn't involve us. At one point with him wearing his venetian half mask that's a costume item. THAT was hot. Then made out again in the dressing room after everyone else he left.
But what the fuck are we doing exactly? Clearly we're not a couple, but obviously not friends with benefits either. I'm not sure what he expects. He doesn't exactly keep his hands to himself. Not that I'm objecting. It's hot. But he probably has no idea I'm a virgin. I don't want to bring it up, because I don't want to imply that I thought we were going to do anything like that. Because so far it's just making out. Making out and grinding. On stage, behind the curtain, during music and dialogue.
Oh theatre.
So last Thursday (night before opening night) I decided to be honest with him and tell him it's not fair to enjoy my affections for him if he doesn't return them. That was an awkward conversation. Without going into too much detail, he was remorseful and regretful for having lead me on. He said he finds me attractive but isn't "attracted" to me. Quote: "It wasn't fair to be so intimate with you when I knew you were more attracted to me than I am to you." I was like, ouch. But we agreed we wouldn't be any less affectionate too each other, as I said I didn't have a problem with that now that I knew where we stood.
Friday I was pissed off because I felt like I've been unattractive to him this whole time. Opening night was amazing, I was barely nervous, probably because I was more pre-occupied with that disappointing conversation.
Saturday I was less pissed off and just excited about the show.
And then everyone got drunk.
Long story short, he and I ended up making out after the party as we were walking home. I think I actually cornered him into it, as he was trying to fend me off by saying it was a bad idea since he is attracted to me but thinks due to clashing personalities a relationship would be a bad idea. At this stage I just wanted to know that he WANTED to kiss me, so said I didn't care for a relationship either. It's not exactly a lie. So I used my drunken logic to talk our way around every obstacle to having a bit of a kiss, and he caved, and it escalated.
We ended up at his house making out on the sofa and him removing as many items of my clothing as I would allow (which wasn't much, I stayed in my singlet top, although he did sneakily undo my bra at one point, a point which I rectified). He suggested several times that I go to his room, but I kept declining of course. Eventually I left at about 5:30.
Then we had two days off performing, so didn't see each other. Tuesday, when we did, absolutely no awkwardness. We sort of hintingly acknowledged what had been going on. Wednesday, slightly more acknowledgement, slightly more flirting.
Thursday, today, went over to his place to watch a DVD. Cuddled the whole time. Then after, kissed on his sofa until I said (many times) that we should really go out to get dinner before performing.
Then spent the entire show when not on stage actively seeking out opportunities to sneak out of the green room and make out, mostly in the wings during scenes that didn't involve us. At one point with him wearing his venetian half mask that's a costume item. THAT was hot. Then made out again in the dressing room after everyone else he left.
But what the fuck are we doing exactly? Clearly we're not a couple, but obviously not friends with benefits either. I'm not sure what he expects. He doesn't exactly keep his hands to himself. Not that I'm objecting. It's hot. But he probably has no idea I'm a virgin. I don't want to bring it up, because I don't want to imply that I thought we were going to do anything like that. Because so far it's just making out. Making out and grinding. On stage, behind the curtain, during music and dialogue.
Oh theatre.