(no subject)
So, I've done one of the few things I figured I'd never do. I went back to school and visited with some teachers ( those of whom I actually liked.) At first it was to run an errand for a fairly legitimate reason, I wanted to pick up a copy of my senior project, but then I found out so much, it seems that like most I went to college and now find myself fairly dissillusioned and constantly searchig for something, I hide it behind the facade of indifference and boredom, I guess it allows for less pain if I don't find it anytime soon. But to my suprise I found out info on some people I knew, one of which has her own clothing line and designs and dresses stars such as Sarah Jessica Parker ( it isn't really name dropping when you don't know the people, is it?)
That's when it really hit me, not so much that ever growing void in the center of my being, but this spark , an incandescent ember. Which I finally allowed, instead of poop-pooping on it ( cause that's really what smokey would do) and came to the realization that life has no gurantees and nothing I do is finite. I have the ability to do whatever it is I want and now have to face the reality that no one has been holding me back more than me. I guess I've made a point of having this 'me against the world mentality', which is great as long as you don't use it as an excuse for a newfound defeatist mentality. I always used it to motivate me and just because 4 years has taught me that there is no guranteed recognition for anything you do, I forgot that I never really got much of it anyways and that it meant 'anything' I do is a major accomplishment.
So, I don't have some prominent role in anything, right now, so, I'm 22. In the 1800's i'd be old and have kids and never have gone to college, and I'd be a slave. So with my help or not, I've accomplished leaps and bounds.
So I don't fit in with the 'cool kids' whomever they are and haven't collectively prescribed to adorn myself as such. I never fit in with them in the first place and I knew what Gap was up to when it started with the swing stuff and now look. I say those kids aren't the problem, they're looking for an identity as much as I am, it's Gap and those sneaky, clever, marketing bastards.
In all, I don't have to be anything right now, that's really as much of an identity as anything else, so I might be a cashier at a Grocery Store, it's a Health food store, how bad could that be. Fine, I don't become the actor I want to be today or in 3 years, I can say that I atleast have a goal. But from now on I think it's valid to believe that I don't have to continue beating myself up over it. It'd be tons better if I had a friend around to hang and feel those gaps in time that force me to think about these things but, I spent tons of my childhood talking to my dogs and I have a sister, so I figure I can make it on my own for awhile. I'm a sensational person ( that sounds so self-help, which is what makes me even more fun. If I keep it up I might be able to get a book deal.)
Anyways, random diatribe on my psyche is okay every once in awhile. I feel much better to , like a lot of pressure's been lifted and I can just sit and write and be myself instead of wasting awhole lot of time trying to be creative for someone else, because really I'm a girl who likes to act out skits from Monty Python (whether anyone's there to watch or not) and listens to the occassional Burt Baccharac(?) song
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That's when it really hit me, not so much that ever growing void in the center of my being, but this spark , an incandescent ember. Which I finally allowed, instead of poop-pooping on it ( cause that's really what smokey would do) and came to the realization that life has no gurantees and nothing I do is finite. I have the ability to do whatever it is I want and now have to face the reality that no one has been holding me back more than me. I guess I've made a point of having this 'me against the world mentality', which is great as long as you don't use it as an excuse for a newfound defeatist mentality. I always used it to motivate me and just because 4 years has taught me that there is no guranteed recognition for anything you do, I forgot that I never really got much of it anyways and that it meant 'anything' I do is a major accomplishment.
So, I don't have some prominent role in anything, right now, so, I'm 22. In the 1800's i'd be old and have kids and never have gone to college, and I'd be a slave. So with my help or not, I've accomplished leaps and bounds.
So I don't fit in with the 'cool kids' whomever they are and haven't collectively prescribed to adorn myself as such. I never fit in with them in the first place and I knew what Gap was up to when it started with the swing stuff and now look. I say those kids aren't the problem, they're looking for an identity as much as I am, it's Gap and those sneaky, clever, marketing bastards.
In all, I don't have to be anything right now, that's really as much of an identity as anything else, so I might be a cashier at a Grocery Store, it's a Health food store, how bad could that be. Fine, I don't become the actor I want to be today or in 3 years, I can say that I atleast have a goal. But from now on I think it's valid to believe that I don't have to continue beating myself up over it. It'd be tons better if I had a friend around to hang and feel those gaps in time that force me to think about these things but, I spent tons of my childhood talking to my dogs and I have a sister, so I figure I can make it on my own for awhile. I'm a sensational person ( that sounds so self-help, which is what makes me even more fun. If I keep it up I might be able to get a book deal.)
Anyways, random diatribe on my psyche is okay every once in awhile. I feel much better to , like a lot of pressure's been lifted and I can just sit and write and be myself instead of wasting awhole lot of time trying to be creative for someone else, because really I'm a girl who likes to act out skits from Monty Python (whether anyone's there to watch or not) and listens to the occassional Burt Baccharac(?) song
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