....

Oct 22, 2005 21:19

well lets see at the moment my life is hopelessly boring so im just gonna post all types of things...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passionfor baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

another joke
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

and another(its kinda... ahh whatev... )
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that
his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees
is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what
they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign
hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If
you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he
takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are
through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself
with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the
next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough,
he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not
to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back
and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He
thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like
this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When
he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in
nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her
neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in
excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the
best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next
four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost
another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing
weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better
about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the
company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure,
sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program.
Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound
perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I
can catch you, I can have you."
Previous post Next post
Up