secrets and lies
As my life keeps changing as i move from place to place and meet new people, i get extremely confused and anxious about my secrets. I was thinking the other day about people who have been raped and how there is so much pressure to keep it a secret. and even if you are bold enough to admit it's happened, you aren't allowed to reveal any details. you can't say how afraid you were or how much blood there was. basically, you remain inhuman because you can't let them know how you were dehumanized. it's simply not allowed, to describe what happened, minute by minute, second by second.
It's not like one single thing happened, rape isn't one action. it's a series of words and mental images and painful thrusts and head banging against the ground and hair being pulled back and neck being twisted this way and that and not knowing what is going to happen in the next second, minute, hour, day, the rest of your life. rape isn't just this one single thing that happened in one terrifying moment. it's not just one emotional scar, it's a web of torture that never lets you go. not to mention, and no one every talks about this, rape can also leave physical scars.
and the same goes for so many other things besides rape, things that have no name. horrible incidents that words are not allowed to tell. but the worst part is keeping your mouth shut. the worst part is having to hold back when someone gives you a hug. when someone holds me, I feel so torn. part of me wants to hold on so tight and rest my head against their shoulder, but then another part of me just feels guilty and ashamed. I don't want to contaminate whoever is kind enough to treat me like a human. and I'm so afraid that if someone finds out, that person will run away. no one wants to deal with complications. I wish I could erase the past, I wish certain people had never been born and set free to destroy anything they damn well please, including me.
and it's not fair that I don't know if I'm allowed to tell my own bestfriends what has happened. my depressing life has already been a downer, I don't want to ruin whatever is left of my friendships. I can't be fixed, there's no way to erase what's already broken me. I won't get better. am I selfish for existing, for letting people into my life if I know my life can only make everyone else's life worse.
and I get so angry when I think of who I could have become, what I might have accomplished in my life if my heart and soul hadn't been suffocated by those who have never paid the consequences. I feel like they sucked the life out of me and stole everything from me.
I don't want revenge. I don't even hope for justice--any chance for justice is long gone, it's far too late. I just wish I could believe that someone could still love me, even so.
It's not like one single thing happened, rape isn't one action. it's a series of words and mental images and painful thrusts and head banging against the ground and hair being pulled back and neck being twisted this way and that and not knowing what is going to happen in the next second, minute, hour, day, the rest of your life. rape isn't just this one single thing that happened in one terrifying moment. it's not just one emotional scar, it's a web of torture that never lets you go. not to mention, and no one every talks about this, rape can also leave physical scars.
and the same goes for so many other things besides rape, things that have no name. horrible incidents that words are not allowed to tell. but the worst part is keeping your mouth shut. the worst part is having to hold back when someone gives you a hug. when someone holds me, I feel so torn. part of me wants to hold on so tight and rest my head against their shoulder, but then another part of me just feels guilty and ashamed. I don't want to contaminate whoever is kind enough to treat me like a human. and I'm so afraid that if someone finds out, that person will run away. no one wants to deal with complications. I wish I could erase the past, I wish certain people had never been born and set free to destroy anything they damn well please, including me.
and it's not fair that I don't know if I'm allowed to tell my own bestfriends what has happened. my depressing life has already been a downer, I don't want to ruin whatever is left of my friendships. I can't be fixed, there's no way to erase what's already broken me. I won't get better. am I selfish for existing, for letting people into my life if I know my life can only make everyone else's life worse.
and I get so angry when I think of who I could have become, what I might have accomplished in my life if my heart and soul hadn't been suffocated by those who have never paid the consequences. I feel like they sucked the life out of me and stole everything from me.
I don't want revenge. I don't even hope for justice--any chance for justice is long gone, it's far too late. I just wish I could believe that someone could still love me, even so.