paranoid or in denial ?
Can't seem to balance myself between the edges of doom and a realistic point of view. i don't even bother to guess anymore, it never lands on yes or no, i just feel like i'm dying forever, can't find a footing between the next step and where i last fell.
Before the semester started things were terrible. then things were resolved, but nothing got better. i take that back. i fooled myself into thinking things might keep improving, that maybe this was the semester i'd learn to love Smith... or learn to hate it, but not let it warp my mind or poison my soul. It seems like i was choking the whole time, but so scared of any second doing something that would stretch me down til i hit rock bottom and melted in hot lava. time seemed to be frozen at any given moment, but then on fast forward the next. could never mute my emotions. could never switch the channel. whenever i tried the pain just remained the same but more intense, revealing it's true nature right before spinning a web i couldn't break. i could only lie and plead and throw tears as the coffin closed in on me. most of April, all of may. my mind was a torture chamber and smith kept it running. i only survived cause sometimes i managed to come up for air. kev and mel were kinda like clouds i could float on; sometimes i even felt alive.
i would do anything to feel alive again.
i just feel everything slipping away. sure, i get tugged every which way, but there is a constant descent.. it's like taking an escalator down to hell, i'd rather just fall and splatter than slowly get toasted as it gets hotter and hotter. burning. can't put out this fire. and everyone just surrounds me, looking at me like i'm frozen.
Before the semester started things were terrible. then things were resolved, but nothing got better. i take that back. i fooled myself into thinking things might keep improving, that maybe this was the semester i'd learn to love Smith... or learn to hate it, but not let it warp my mind or poison my soul. It seems like i was choking the whole time, but so scared of any second doing something that would stretch me down til i hit rock bottom and melted in hot lava. time seemed to be frozen at any given moment, but then on fast forward the next. could never mute my emotions. could never switch the channel. whenever i tried the pain just remained the same but more intense, revealing it's true nature right before spinning a web i couldn't break. i could only lie and plead and throw tears as the coffin closed in on me. most of April, all of may. my mind was a torture chamber and smith kept it running. i only survived cause sometimes i managed to come up for air. kev and mel were kinda like clouds i could float on; sometimes i even felt alive.
i would do anything to feel alive again.
i just feel everything slipping away. sure, i get tugged every which way, but there is a constant descent.. it's like taking an escalator down to hell, i'd rather just fall and splatter than slowly get toasted as it gets hotter and hotter. burning. can't put out this fire. and everyone just surrounds me, looking at me like i'm frozen.