this weekend
Today i dyed my hair and then kevin, john, and aaron came over and we watched scarface. sick fucking movie =P then kev and i had our alone time. i've never been so free of fear before when i've been with someone. i'm really happy with how things are going with him, and i think he's happy too. anyway, then kev and i went to the wilson private party since we were on the guest list and supposed to meet everyone there. fucking smithies at the door were being such bitches. dirty dirty cunts, choke on a fucking douche. i fucking hate this school, as always. and it was snowing, and snow and flip flops do not share a special relationship. anyway, some people came to the side door to let him and me in and we were all dancing downstairs. can i just say i have horrible experiences with chicks named Ashley. this fucking slut was all over kev.
And that was when i realized that no one has ever cheated on me before in my life. sure, i've felt cheated-- i think rape and assult&battery may be on around the same level as having your heart crushed by someone fooling around behind your back. i don't wanna play the jealous girlfriend/whatever. it was more that it felt so bad watching someone come on to someone i like, that she would disrespect me so much as to try to fuck with this new, budding relationship, perhaps the first successful relationship i will ever have. that girl fucking hates me and i only met her last week. she tried to kiss kev, too, which he told me (he's also big on the honesty thing)
grrrr, i hate women. die die die. i will graduate from smith being the most sexist person alive. women are only good for masturbation, just for the eye candy. i realized part of why i like porn so much, is cause when i am done i can just press stop and close the window or flip the magazine shut and those girls will never exist again. they are nothing except when i want to come to their image. and doing this to their image makes me feel above them, they aren't even there, yet i have this power over them because i am using them. i didn't always have these negative/psycho associations.
just after being at smith and hating women more and more. wow, that was a slight tangent. anyway...
yeah, i like kevin so much and i don't want to fuck this up, be it by my own actions or scaring him away. he's just so..... *deep sigh*
and then i was just about to write a journal entry when i came upon one entry i still had marked as a memory. and i just felt this deep pain. i mean, it was a nicely written entry by my standards, but it just got me thinking about how scared and depressed i used to be. And how much i hated the world--i still do.
So here is the entry.... cheers to the old days when i drank away the misery...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
passage from "Shallow Grave," June 4, 2002
-----
Let's find a new way to say everything. I want to spell out the truth so desperately, but its so hard for me to even accept that I want people to know, and even more sadly, it is so painful for me to acknowledge what I truly want and need from others and from myself. There was just so much to deal with, only so much could be manageable, some things had to be repressed. I had to be in denial regarding a few issues.
Excuse my mess, please. Excuse my life, my circumstances, and my shame; my fears, my needs, and my anxieties, and my feelings of loneliness, depression, and pessimism. My mania came from somewhere normal, I swear. I swear that there's a logical explanation for my being this way, for the tears that fry and sting my cheeks and for the desperate grip my eyes hold on your shoulder whenever you find yourself wondering who I really am.
All those things are hidden behind the strange things.
Shallow graves aren't that deep. Anyone could trip and fall through the soft, dark soil, and into the abyss of endless cycles. Repetition can really annoy those you love. The crazy things I practice are habitual for a reason, but I swear, I never intended to win any negative sentiments. I was just reaching for you with my wounded arm. These metaphors are holding me back. Ramble, ramble, ramble?...
Listen, damn it! Okay, there, I finally said it; to whomever this message will eventually reach. Listen because I do have something that I'd like to tell you, I'm just afraid to say it. It's complicated, its inimitable, and I wish that I could find a concise explanation, but there isn't one.
"To put it concisely, it's a long story." (?)
And that was when i realized that no one has ever cheated on me before in my life. sure, i've felt cheated-- i think rape and assult&battery may be on around the same level as having your heart crushed by someone fooling around behind your back. i don't wanna play the jealous girlfriend/whatever. it was more that it felt so bad watching someone come on to someone i like, that she would disrespect me so much as to try to fuck with this new, budding relationship, perhaps the first successful relationship i will ever have. that girl fucking hates me and i only met her last week. she tried to kiss kev, too, which he told me (he's also big on the honesty thing)
grrrr, i hate women. die die die. i will graduate from smith being the most sexist person alive. women are only good for masturbation, just for the eye candy. i realized part of why i like porn so much, is cause when i am done i can just press stop and close the window or flip the magazine shut and those girls will never exist again. they are nothing except when i want to come to their image. and doing this to their image makes me feel above them, they aren't even there, yet i have this power over them because i am using them. i didn't always have these negative/psycho associations.
just after being at smith and hating women more and more. wow, that was a slight tangent. anyway...
yeah, i like kevin so much and i don't want to fuck this up, be it by my own actions or scaring him away. he's just so..... *deep sigh*
and then i was just about to write a journal entry when i came upon one entry i still had marked as a memory. and i just felt this deep pain. i mean, it was a nicely written entry by my standards, but it just got me thinking about how scared and depressed i used to be. And how much i hated the world--i still do.
So here is the entry.... cheers to the old days when i drank away the misery...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
passage from "Shallow Grave," June 4, 2002
-----
Let's find a new way to say everything. I want to spell out the truth so desperately, but its so hard for me to even accept that I want people to know, and even more sadly, it is so painful for me to acknowledge what I truly want and need from others and from myself. There was just so much to deal with, only so much could be manageable, some things had to be repressed. I had to be in denial regarding a few issues.
Excuse my mess, please. Excuse my life, my circumstances, and my shame; my fears, my needs, and my anxieties, and my feelings of loneliness, depression, and pessimism. My mania came from somewhere normal, I swear. I swear that there's a logical explanation for my being this way, for the tears that fry and sting my cheeks and for the desperate grip my eyes hold on your shoulder whenever you find yourself wondering who I really am.
All those things are hidden behind the strange things.
Shallow graves aren't that deep. Anyone could trip and fall through the soft, dark soil, and into the abyss of endless cycles. Repetition can really annoy those you love. The crazy things I practice are habitual for a reason, but I swear, I never intended to win any negative sentiments. I was just reaching for you with my wounded arm. These metaphors are holding me back. Ramble, ramble, ramble?...
Listen, damn it! Okay, there, I finally said it; to whomever this message will eventually reach. Listen because I do have something that I'd like to tell you, I'm just afraid to say it. It's complicated, its inimitable, and I wish that I could find a concise explanation, but there isn't one.
"To put it concisely, it's a long story." (?)