Fic: Poor Dan Mannison
Title: Poor Dan Mannison
Author: janeausten4ever
Characters, Pairings: Martha, Rose, Martha/Rose (I know. This is so unlike me. I honestly have no idea where this came from.)
Warnings: High school AU. Since my grip of high school boys is mostly of the American variety, I kind of loosened up on the whole "sounding British" bit. Ah, well. Oh, and mild un-explicit femslash.
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Told in the form of a conversation between two anonymous high school boys over the course of a few months, but only half the conversation is recorded. The other half is off the books. I dearly hope this isn't too confusing, but I was just trying out a different writing style for a spell.
* * *
Okay, so here's how it works.
You get here on your first day and you wanna know where to look for the hottest girls in school. You automatically think cheer squad, right? Right?
Wrong. The hottest girls in school wouldn't go anywhere near the cheer squad. (Well, okay, so one of them tried out at the start of freshman year and got in, but the other one talked her out of it right away. Damn shame, too. Would've been nice to catch a glimpse of her ass in that tiny skirt.) Hottest girls in school are Rose Tyler and Martha Jones, but don't try to secretly date both of them at the same time because even though you think they'll just turn on each other, they won't. They will destroy you.
- 0 - 0 -
Rose is the nice one, Martha's the smart one. And I know what you're thinking: why date the smart chick? Well, here's why. Dating Rose Tyler is kind of a disaster waiting to happen.
It starts because it's so easy, you know? Not that she's easy, if that's what you're thinking (she's certainly no saint if you know what I mean, just not a whore), but what I'm trying to say is that if you're nice to her, she'll be nice to you, and if you ask her out on a date she'll almost always say yes. That's just the way she is.
Watch out, though, because if you do ask her out, her best friend will be watching. And you're in deep shit if she doesn't like what she sees.
It's kind of Martha's job to keep an eye out for Rose, 'cause Rose is kind of...well...naive. Everything will be going just fine and dandy when you first start dating her, and Rose will seem like the coolest, sweetest, most laid-back girl you've ever met. But pretty soon you'll say something--and you can never be sure what it's going to be, it's like a booby trap, man--and she'll look at you with these big brown puppy eyes like you've just kicked her in the stomach and left her on the side of the road. Sometimes it's something like, "You look hungry, should I order us more chips?" or "What kind of hair dye do you use?" or "Andy Markstaller said you were a good kisser"--you will literally have no idea what does it--I swear, man, you could ask her what she thinks about Pluto not being a planet anymore and suddenly--boom!--she's crying. Anyway, you'll say something and it'll set her off, and then she goes crying to Martha, who'll kick your ass and that's that.
What? No, dumbass, not literally. She's a girl! But what she does is worse, anyway. You're never sure what it's gonna be. Martha's got, like, connections, 'cause she's Class President and shit. Sometimes she'll go the simple route and just find you at lunch and tell you off in front of all your friends--if that's the case, you are one lucky bastard. Most of the time she's sneakier. She might use her pull with the ladies in the front office to mark you late to all your classes for a week, or get a hold of one of your essays in peer editing and fill all the margins with really nasty criticisms till her pen ink's bleeding through your paper and dripping off. Or--oh God--sometimes she does this thing where she gets, like, a whole cluster of girls to go into the bathroom and huddle in secret conference, and you don't know what she's saying, but later you find out she told everyone Nurse Getford let her peek at your medical records and she saw you have genital fungus.
Poor Dan Mannison. He transferred.
- 0 - 0 -
You've got to be careful when you date Rose Tyler.
It's gotten to the point where a lot more people just end up going for Martha, because if you break up with Rose she'll annihilate you but if you break up with her she'll help you with your homework for the rest of your life.
Also--and I know this is gonna sound batshit crazy, but--dating smart girls is kinda more fun sometimes.
But mostly the annihilation thing.
- 0 - 0 -
Their friendship is, like indestructible. I mean, me and the guys have worked out every possible solution for inducing a girl-fight, and our methods would be almost 100% effective if damn Jones and Tyler didn't throw off our curve. We were gonna write a fucking book before they came along. We've tried it all, but nothing fucking works. Not publicly ranking them by looks, not spreading she-said-this-about-you-rumors, not even--and I know you'll never believe this--a boy.
Not just any boy, either. John fucking Smith. That's the captain of the football team, man. He was friends with them both for a while, and they both wanted to date him but mutually decided to back off in order to preserve their friendship.
I know, right?! What the fuck! That never works with girls! We thought we had a girl-fight in the bag, for sure.
But it did for them, man. It did for them.
- 0 - 0 -
Hey.
Hey, dumbass.
I heard you dated Rose Tyler.
Shut up, the teacher's looking.
...
Didn't go so well, did it?
Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought....So what'd Jones do to you?
Oh, the computer-crash thing? Harsh. Yeah, she's got friends in the hackers department. I warned you, though, man, I warned you.
- 0 - 0 -
'What's everyone talking about?'
Seriously? You want to know what everyone's talking about?
I'll tell you. Mickey and Martha broke up. It's weird. They were together so long. They were beginning to be like a school staple, Smith and Jones.
But Martha's vulnerable now, man, and that's one thing Martha Jones almost never is. She's going to Alec Jansen's party tonight, and word is she's gonna get pissed off her ass. I guarantee there will be plenty of guys ready to hit that if they get the chance.
N--what?
Are you fucking kidding me? Don't even try, dumbass. She's blacklisted you, remember?
- 0 - 0 -
Psst!
Sorry, Miss Brenners. I was just sneezing. Quieter next time, okay.
...
Psst!
Hey.
Hey, did you hear?
What do you mean, 'hear what'? What else is anyone talking about?
Rose and Martha. They kissed at Alec's party last night. They got shitfaced drunk and snogged in front of everyone.
Yeah, I know! And it wasnt just for, like, a second, either. It went on. There was tongue, I mean, you could see it.
You shoulda been there, man, it was epic.
- 0 - 0 -
Rose didn't come to school today. Apparently the whole kissing thing was a bigger deal than anyone thought.
Oh. Look, sh! There she is.
...
Martha looks sad, doesn't she?
- 0 - 0 -
No one's seen either of them for a week. Nobody knows what's going on. Why don't they just brush it off as a 'we-were-drunk' thing? That's what all the other girls do! I mean yeah, of course we've been dreaming of this happening for years now but seriously, not like this. What the fuck is going on? Where are they?
- 0 - 0 -
Hey.
Hey dumbass.
Yes, you. Dumbass.
Did you hear?
Of course you didn't, you're you.
It's Rose and Martha. They came to school holding hands today. And smiling. And not looking at anyone else. And at lunch Trevor Mannis says he swears he saw them duck into a supply closet, giggling.
What?
No, man, no. I--no, I don't fucking think you've still got a shot!
...Dumbass.