Bipolar hour.
I want to be happy again.
Lately, I just can't make that happen and I hate it. I hate being unhappy for no reason. I hate that I just can't do anything but feel alone all the time and wish that I knew how to make it better for myself. But it's for no reason. It's completely chemical, which I thought was a chapter of my life that I closed. Why is it coming back now? It does go in and out, but it comes at the most raaandom of times. School has been the easiest its ever been this semester (hooray for being a pre-teacher...no exams ever), I have probably the best boyfriend in the world, great friends, great job...
damn you depression.
go away! go away and never come back.
I hate posts like this but it's been awhile so you all have to deal with it, haha. I really haven't made one of these in over a year. That's good. I hate reading this and knowing that I wrote it, because I like being happy and bubbling me. But lately I just haven't been, and I can't shake it like I usually can. I know what will change it but it's impossible, and the thing is that it's not even the total cause in the first place. It's just chemicals. I neeeeed to keep telling myself that, that this is just in my head and in reality my life is wonderful and I should have absolutely no reason to complain. Poor Tim got the brunt of it tonight (sorry, babe), but I needed to just be bitchy and crabby and he happened to get caught in the middle. There's nothing either of us can do about our situation right now and really, I need to remind myself of that as much as I can. Ugh...missing him is just so hard. I actually swore in my head at a couple I saw today because I was jealous of them going to the gym together. That's so silly! Kate, you're ridiculous. But, we'll be able to be together eventually and that makes me happier than absolutely anything else in the world. And for now...well...we'll work something out. Once summer comes it will get easier because we'll have up north and my birthday and summerfest and picnics and frisbee and sundials and tree sitting to look forward to; once next year comes it will be even easier because I can just drive home whenever I want. Point is, I love him so damn much, and will endure absolutely anything life throws at me (or us) right now because we can get through anything together.
And I am strong. Sometimes I feel like I'm really not (tonight, for example) but then I think of how much I've been through already and realize that I can handle it. And sometimes when I don't believe that I'm this or that, even though I know it's true, I hate hearing someone else tell me that I am this or that because my head is temporarily in denial of all positive qualities. But then I snap out of it and boom, feel awful about being such a bitch.
You know what? Getting that all out made me feel tons better. I almost want to delete the depressed part but I want to be able to see my rapid progress of mood :) Thanks, livejournal. You are so cliche and kind of weird but you always seem to make me feel better.
And sorry, Tim. I hate fighting with you. Let's not, k? :)
And to close, and just to assure everyone that I am indeed feeling better, here is a picture of a baby polar bear:
Lately, I just can't make that happen and I hate it. I hate being unhappy for no reason. I hate that I just can't do anything but feel alone all the time and wish that I knew how to make it better for myself. But it's for no reason. It's completely chemical, which I thought was a chapter of my life that I closed. Why is it coming back now? It does go in and out, but it comes at the most raaandom of times. School has been the easiest its ever been this semester (hooray for being a pre-teacher...no exams ever), I have probably the best boyfriend in the world, great friends, great job...
damn you depression.
go away! go away and never come back.
I hate posts like this but it's been awhile so you all have to deal with it, haha. I really haven't made one of these in over a year. That's good. I hate reading this and knowing that I wrote it, because I like being happy and bubbling me. But lately I just haven't been, and I can't shake it like I usually can. I know what will change it but it's impossible, and the thing is that it's not even the total cause in the first place. It's just chemicals. I neeeeed to keep telling myself that, that this is just in my head and in reality my life is wonderful and I should have absolutely no reason to complain. Poor Tim got the brunt of it tonight (sorry, babe), but I needed to just be bitchy and crabby and he happened to get caught in the middle. There's nothing either of us can do about our situation right now and really, I need to remind myself of that as much as I can. Ugh...missing him is just so hard. I actually swore in my head at a couple I saw today because I was jealous of them going to the gym together. That's so silly! Kate, you're ridiculous. But, we'll be able to be together eventually and that makes me happier than absolutely anything else in the world. And for now...well...we'll work something out. Once summer comes it will get easier because we'll have up north and my birthday and summerfest and picnics and frisbee and sundials and tree sitting to look forward to; once next year comes it will be even easier because I can just drive home whenever I want. Point is, I love him so damn much, and will endure absolutely anything life throws at me (or us) right now because we can get through anything together.
And I am strong. Sometimes I feel like I'm really not (tonight, for example) but then I think of how much I've been through already and realize that I can handle it. And sometimes when I don't believe that I'm this or that, even though I know it's true, I hate hearing someone else tell me that I am this or that because my head is temporarily in denial of all positive qualities. But then I snap out of it and boom, feel awful about being such a bitch.
You know what? Getting that all out made me feel tons better. I almost want to delete the depressed part but I want to be able to see my rapid progress of mood :) Thanks, livejournal. You are so cliche and kind of weird but you always seem to make me feel better.
And sorry, Tim. I hate fighting with you. Let's not, k? :)
And to close, and just to assure everyone that I am indeed feeling better, here is a picture of a baby polar bear: