G'damn it!
Okay... I move back to memphis on Wednesday night.
Have I prepared? No.
Am I that sad to leave the city? sorta.
For the city itself? No not really.
There's a level of comfort here, that I've never experienced. It's the hardest place to maintain rent and whatnot. I need to go to the dentist and be able to see a doctor when I get sick, and that's hard to deal with.
But even now, the biggest thing I'm dealing with is... fuckin' my libido or my crush or whatever one would like to call it.
It's funny that no one can tell what feelings I have for people. Unless, of course, I start talking about them... but most people never know. It's probably the same reason people can't tell when I'm overly plastered... I've got a good poker face, even in my states.
I can't get over Brian. I can't. I'm trying my damndest. So hard. Seeing him Valentine's day. And the day before that. But saying goodbye on valentine's day... ah ... shot to the heart in itself, much less the other circumstance there (seeing tara with him...). Stab. Cough. Die.
I'm pining. Seriously fucking pining. WTF? I don't *want* to pine, nor is it my last desire in SF to do so. Pining is for pussies and such. My friends here are great, but that's all I can think about. Is he why I wanted to move here?!?! I can't even judge my own actions. Sadly, it might have been why. Good news for Piners (or me), he's been asked back to memphis. So, like... um... I'll see him again. He's also going back to Seattle... Anchorage... so memphis is just as bad as the other options.
But goddamn! Why won't this stop?! It's been over a year and I still can't stop thinking/talking/blogging about him.
I need to fuck him just so I can get this over with. Well, it'd be over with if it was bad. If it was good, that start a whole other scenario of things.
Though, with dan, it was perfect in just about every way. I didn't want to mess his coming down here with another half-assed hook up. But then again, I was never "in love" with him to he same degree I am with brian. Lust at first sight... only happened once before in 5th grade...
I need some reason for this to die. And marriage isn't a viable option. Kids are potentially, but not marriage...
Oh yeah... I'm still moving. Somehow that's taking my mind over more than the actual move.
Have I prepared? No.
Am I that sad to leave the city? sorta.
For the city itself? No not really.
There's a level of comfort here, that I've never experienced. It's the hardest place to maintain rent and whatnot. I need to go to the dentist and be able to see a doctor when I get sick, and that's hard to deal with.
But even now, the biggest thing I'm dealing with is... fuckin' my libido or my crush or whatever one would like to call it.
It's funny that no one can tell what feelings I have for people. Unless, of course, I start talking about them... but most people never know. It's probably the same reason people can't tell when I'm overly plastered... I've got a good poker face, even in my states.
I can't get over Brian. I can't. I'm trying my damndest. So hard. Seeing him Valentine's day. And the day before that. But saying goodbye on valentine's day... ah ... shot to the heart in itself, much less the other circumstance there (seeing tara with him...). Stab. Cough. Die.
I'm pining. Seriously fucking pining. WTF? I don't *want* to pine, nor is it my last desire in SF to do so. Pining is for pussies and such. My friends here are great, but that's all I can think about. Is he why I wanted to move here?!?! I can't even judge my own actions. Sadly, it might have been why. Good news for Piners (or me), he's been asked back to memphis. So, like... um... I'll see him again. He's also going back to Seattle... Anchorage... so memphis is just as bad as the other options.
But goddamn! Why won't this stop?! It's been over a year and I still can't stop thinking/talking/blogging about him.
I need to fuck him just so I can get this over with. Well, it'd be over with if it was bad. If it was good, that start a whole other scenario of things.
Though, with dan, it was perfect in just about every way. I didn't want to mess his coming down here with another half-assed hook up. But then again, I was never "in love" with him to he same degree I am with brian. Lust at first sight... only happened once before in 5th grade...
I need some reason for this to die. And marriage isn't a viable option. Kids are potentially, but not marriage...
Oh yeah... I'm still moving. Somehow that's taking my mind over more than the actual move.