Aw... departure.
I hate saying goodbye. If I say goodbye to someone, it feels as bad as a funeral. I've done it too often to make "closure" and pretend I'll never see someone again.
I've got too much faith in the wanderlust within me and others. I believe in too much fate.
Leaving is hard. I've got to go. Can't and don't want to do it, but will proceed on, as that's the more mature thing to do, as is my personal success within life. Not necessarily comedy, but within life. It takes a bigger person to let something go that you love than it is to stay with it. I've reached that point again, which damn near brings me to bittersweet tears. I have to leave. I have to show myself that I'm capable of doing what's best for me, even when it compromises happiness to a large degree.
Since I started this post, I have made my plane ticket. This is the beginning of my adulthood in a lot of ways. I'm learning to say no to the fun way out for my embetterment. Welcome to the beginning of the self-restraint ride.
Let's see how long *this* will last.
Oh, and tonight my colleague diane and I went out to a bar. Diane knows certain people that I have huge crush action on. After the second guiness, diane said,"Let's call brian and let him know that your leaving." There were phone difficulties on the first placed called. I told her before we called him, that I wasn't going to talk. "I'd call, if you talked to him." She was trying to get him out tonight, which I totally wasn't adverse to it, but I had no way to pervey that in words, without a certain bluntness. She talked to him a bit and all I could think about was how I wasn't talking to him. Though, I couldn't have outside of a little kid talking on the phone for the first time. He said he had just gotten home or something and had to get up early tomorrow. ...but I'll be seeing him Wednesday. Ah... Wednesday. I'll be working (boo!), but hopefully see parts of Maria Bamford. Then chat with those cats.
I don't expect anything to happen, except goodbyes. Slightly sadder for me. Because Brian's one of the few people in my life that the love at first sight has happened for. The first was in 5th grade, with, ironically enough, another dude named Brian. ...Becker. And possibly in first grade with Cody Hackett in 1st grade, but I don't remember that instant jolt like I do with either of the Brians. The latter brian, it was post sexual knowledge and stuff, so that's a whole other perspective on things. Oh yeah, and there were feelings of mutuality, if that's even a word. Which *that* hasn't happened before. Mutual flirtation almost instantly? It usually takes me a minute before I begin flirting and/or comfortable with someone I like and when it's back at me? Never! Honestly, I really haven't seen him that much nor have we kept in too much contact (oh yeah... and the girlfriend thing...). It been an already lost battle for a while, but now I can accept it.
Comedy here... meh. I can do it elsewhere and maintain. I'm not ready for this degree. I'd rather go work on something that's brilliant rather than something mundane and well marketed. I've done a great job of learning history and seeing a lot of great comics. It's more of a fan, though. Whatever, I can't knock what I've learned or seen or who I've met. The level of a fan I can be is so much higher and more in the system. I know how to react around famous or my favorite comics. I've known enough fucked up people in comedy that I can handle the eccentrics or socially anxious; the brooding and the anti-social. It's kind of fantastic.
Well, I should sleep, because I've got a looooong week ahead of me that will be shortened by the pressures of making my fond farewells.
I've got too much faith in the wanderlust within me and others. I believe in too much fate.
Leaving is hard. I've got to go. Can't and don't want to do it, but will proceed on, as that's the more mature thing to do, as is my personal success within life. Not necessarily comedy, but within life. It takes a bigger person to let something go that you love than it is to stay with it. I've reached that point again, which damn near brings me to bittersweet tears. I have to leave. I have to show myself that I'm capable of doing what's best for me, even when it compromises happiness to a large degree.
Since I started this post, I have made my plane ticket. This is the beginning of my adulthood in a lot of ways. I'm learning to say no to the fun way out for my embetterment. Welcome to the beginning of the self-restraint ride.
Let's see how long *this* will last.
Oh, and tonight my colleague diane and I went out to a bar. Diane knows certain people that I have huge crush action on. After the second guiness, diane said,"Let's call brian and let him know that your leaving." There were phone difficulties on the first placed called. I told her before we called him, that I wasn't going to talk. "I'd call, if you talked to him." She was trying to get him out tonight, which I totally wasn't adverse to it, but I had no way to pervey that in words, without a certain bluntness. She talked to him a bit and all I could think about was how I wasn't talking to him. Though, I couldn't have outside of a little kid talking on the phone for the first time. He said he had just gotten home or something and had to get up early tomorrow. ...but I'll be seeing him Wednesday. Ah... Wednesday. I'll be working (boo!), but hopefully see parts of Maria Bamford. Then chat with those cats.
I don't expect anything to happen, except goodbyes. Slightly sadder for me. Because Brian's one of the few people in my life that the love at first sight has happened for. The first was in 5th grade, with, ironically enough, another dude named Brian. ...Becker. And possibly in first grade with Cody Hackett in 1st grade, but I don't remember that instant jolt like I do with either of the Brians. The latter brian, it was post sexual knowledge and stuff, so that's a whole other perspective on things. Oh yeah, and there were feelings of mutuality, if that's even a word. Which *that* hasn't happened before. Mutual flirtation almost instantly? It usually takes me a minute before I begin flirting and/or comfortable with someone I like and when it's back at me? Never! Honestly, I really haven't seen him that much nor have we kept in too much contact (oh yeah... and the girlfriend thing...). It been an already lost battle for a while, but now I can accept it.
Comedy here... meh. I can do it elsewhere and maintain. I'm not ready for this degree. I'd rather go work on something that's brilliant rather than something mundane and well marketed. I've done a great job of learning history and seeing a lot of great comics. It's more of a fan, though. Whatever, I can't knock what I've learned or seen or who I've met. The level of a fan I can be is so much higher and more in the system. I know how to react around famous or my favorite comics. I've known enough fucked up people in comedy that I can handle the eccentrics or socially anxious; the brooding and the anti-social. It's kind of fantastic.
Well, I should sleep, because I've got a looooong week ahead of me that will be shortened by the pressures of making my fond farewells.