greatest Carrie Brownstein post EVAR
Every Inch Of My Fun
Last month, Hard Rock Park opened in Myrtle Beach, S.C. It's a rock 'n' roll theme park, complete with a Led Zeppelin roller coaster called the Ride, "whose hairpin turns are synchronized to Robert Plant's wails in 'Whole Lotta Love.'" I can't think of another ride that would inspire the question, "Daddy, what does 'I want to be your backdoor man' mean?" Sounds like a good time for people of all ages! You can read about it here.
As far as I'm concerned, the park creators have overlooked a few obvious attractions.
Tongue Twister: Visitors to the park ride on a giant replica of Gene Simmons' tongue. A voice emanating from the tongue keeps bragging about how long it is and how it never gets tired.
Smile! You're On Camera: Visitors make their own sex tape with a washed-up rocker of their choice, such as Motley Crue's Tommy Lee -- or, to be more accurate, a carny who looks like him. You get to keep the video as a keepsake. Pay extra, and the theme park will leak the video onto the Internet.
Steven + Stevie's Car Wash: Visitors drive go-karts through a car wash that uses only scarves. Steven Tyler's scarves do the washing; Stevie Nicks' scarves dry you off. Customers leave feeling refreshed and mostly clean. Adults only, due to the sensual nature of scarves.
All-Access Tour Bus: Park-goers get to feel what it's like to be on tour. For eight hours, you are trapped in a bus with a broken toilet. There are beer bottles everywhere, and the "fresh fruit" that someone decided to bring onto the bus has gone bad. Old episodes of Full House play on the DVD player while your lighting tech has sex in a bunk that's not his. When the Tour Bus ride is over, everyone showers in a bathroom in the club's backstage area. Whoops! We forgot the towels.
Roadie: The Ride: Visitors lug around an amp everywhere they go. Park employees yell, "Put it there. Wait, no, put it there instead." Fun for the whole family.
Meet Yr Idol: This attraction lets fans line up for hours to get a close-up glimpse of their idols. The park makes the line rainy and cold or 100 degrees and sunny. Then, when you finally reach the front of the line, impersonators of the biggest names in music give you the brush-off and mock you as you try to get an autograph, take their picture, or tell them how their music changed your life.
Bass Solo, The Musical: Sad, bitter, underappreciated bass players get to play you that one solo that never made it onto the album or into the live act. Performance Time: three hours.
Tags: HARD ROCK PARK
4:36 PM ET | 07- 9-2008 | permalink
Last month, Hard Rock Park opened in Myrtle Beach, S.C. It's a rock 'n' roll theme park, complete with a Led Zeppelin roller coaster called the Ride, "whose hairpin turns are synchronized to Robert Plant's wails in 'Whole Lotta Love.'" I can't think of another ride that would inspire the question, "Daddy, what does 'I want to be your backdoor man' mean?" Sounds like a good time for people of all ages! You can read about it here.
As far as I'm concerned, the park creators have overlooked a few obvious attractions.
Tongue Twister: Visitors to the park ride on a giant replica of Gene Simmons' tongue. A voice emanating from the tongue keeps bragging about how long it is and how it never gets tired.
Smile! You're On Camera: Visitors make their own sex tape with a washed-up rocker of their choice, such as Motley Crue's Tommy Lee -- or, to be more accurate, a carny who looks like him. You get to keep the video as a keepsake. Pay extra, and the theme park will leak the video onto the Internet.
Steven + Stevie's Car Wash: Visitors drive go-karts through a car wash that uses only scarves. Steven Tyler's scarves do the washing; Stevie Nicks' scarves dry you off. Customers leave feeling refreshed and mostly clean. Adults only, due to the sensual nature of scarves.
All-Access Tour Bus: Park-goers get to feel what it's like to be on tour. For eight hours, you are trapped in a bus with a broken toilet. There are beer bottles everywhere, and the "fresh fruit" that someone decided to bring onto the bus has gone bad. Old episodes of Full House play on the DVD player while your lighting tech has sex in a bunk that's not his. When the Tour Bus ride is over, everyone showers in a bathroom in the club's backstage area. Whoops! We forgot the towels.
Roadie: The Ride: Visitors lug around an amp everywhere they go. Park employees yell, "Put it there. Wait, no, put it there instead." Fun for the whole family.
Meet Yr Idol: This attraction lets fans line up for hours to get a close-up glimpse of their idols. The park makes the line rainy and cold or 100 degrees and sunny. Then, when you finally reach the front of the line, impersonators of the biggest names in music give you the brush-off and mock you as you try to get an autograph, take their picture, or tell them how their music changed your life.
Bass Solo, The Musical: Sad, bitter, underappreciated bass players get to play you that one solo that never made it onto the album or into the live act. Performance Time: three hours.
Tags: HARD ROCK PARK
4:36 PM ET | 07- 9-2008 | permalink