life dilemma
i always stay restless. no matter what i seem to be doing, my mind is somewhere else. i need to write down my current "plan" while it's in my head, so i can be considering it and really thinking about what is best for my life.
i'm going crazy not having my kids around. i miss the asha mission kids so much, i feel like i could burst. it's a horrible and beautiful feeling at the same time. when i left india, i didn't want to go back for a longgggg time. it was driving me to insanity, really. i hated most things...felt more anger than i ever have in my life, which is weird, cuz things don't bother me very easily. of course, as the months pass, i remember the good things i miss. well, not the things...because i don't miss really anything in India. i miss people. i miss all 22 kids, i miss bhauna auntie and renu didi. i miss all their kids. i miss seema across the street. i miss the gang of old ladies next door. i think of the kids so much, but as the days go by, i feel like they're slowly slipping away. slipping away from the freshness in my mind, from recent memory...from memory at all. i hate that, and it scares me.
i just want to SEE them. so i keep telling myself that by next summer, billie and i will go back. i'll have saved up money, enough time will have passed that i'll even have a desire to set foot into india again, and we'll be able to have a few weeks with them. it will be glorious.... this combined with going with ava back to china, to see all my friends there and to reexperience what i love so much about china. i miss that life i lived so shortly. china didn't last long enough. i definitely want it in my life again.
now i'm rethinking it all. what if this is not what God wants for this time for me? what if it's not how he wants me to handle my money or my time? i don't know what's my negative thinking creeping in. i think about how $2500 can pay for the kids' school for an entire year. i think about how much i dislike short term trips. they're torture for both parties involved. i think about how when i revisit india and china, i want to see the whole country by train. in india: punjab, uttranchal, manipur, west bengal, bihar... and in china: the rice fields, xinjiang province, the mountains and steppe hills, the coast, inner mongolia. going for 3 weeks to each place does not allow me that luxury. so do i quench my current separation anxiety by going next summer? or do i wait. hold out. and make it really good. the reason why i'm telling myself next summer is because i feel like i should be settled (i hate that word) in america for a little while, for school or a social work job or something...not really clear on that.
i want to know, but i don't. i have to be okay with the uncertainty of relationships in my life. sometimes people are in my life, sometimes they're taken away. it's so hard for me to come to terms with that. that's why i can never sever relationships with people who have been in my life in the past. they mean too much to me.
i'm going crazy not having my kids around. i miss the asha mission kids so much, i feel like i could burst. it's a horrible and beautiful feeling at the same time. when i left india, i didn't want to go back for a longgggg time. it was driving me to insanity, really. i hated most things...felt more anger than i ever have in my life, which is weird, cuz things don't bother me very easily. of course, as the months pass, i remember the good things i miss. well, not the things...because i don't miss really anything in India. i miss people. i miss all 22 kids, i miss bhauna auntie and renu didi. i miss all their kids. i miss seema across the street. i miss the gang of old ladies next door. i think of the kids so much, but as the days go by, i feel like they're slowly slipping away. slipping away from the freshness in my mind, from recent memory...from memory at all. i hate that, and it scares me.
i just want to SEE them. so i keep telling myself that by next summer, billie and i will go back. i'll have saved up money, enough time will have passed that i'll even have a desire to set foot into india again, and we'll be able to have a few weeks with them. it will be glorious.... this combined with going with ava back to china, to see all my friends there and to reexperience what i love so much about china. i miss that life i lived so shortly. china didn't last long enough. i definitely want it in my life again.
now i'm rethinking it all. what if this is not what God wants for this time for me? what if it's not how he wants me to handle my money or my time? i don't know what's my negative thinking creeping in. i think about how $2500 can pay for the kids' school for an entire year. i think about how much i dislike short term trips. they're torture for both parties involved. i think about how when i revisit india and china, i want to see the whole country by train. in india: punjab, uttranchal, manipur, west bengal, bihar... and in china: the rice fields, xinjiang province, the mountains and steppe hills, the coast, inner mongolia. going for 3 weeks to each place does not allow me that luxury. so do i quench my current separation anxiety by going next summer? or do i wait. hold out. and make it really good. the reason why i'm telling myself next summer is because i feel like i should be settled (i hate that word) in america for a little while, for school or a social work job or something...not really clear on that.
i want to know, but i don't. i have to be okay with the uncertainty of relationships in my life. sometimes people are in my life, sometimes they're taken away. it's so hard for me to come to terms with that. that's why i can never sever relationships with people who have been in my life in the past. they mean too much to me.