so.
im feeling jittery. too much coffee wayy tooo fast this morning.
anyway.
i got Canon today. its reminding me of alot of things that i dealt with early on when i first started listening to Ani...what made me start listening to her in the first place, etc.
interesting stuff.
ive really got to write again. creative constipation is driving me insane.
ugh.
ive gotten out into the sun today. sunlight is my enemy and my friend. since i spend my days in the dark of night holed up in a radio room sneaking books in between calls and i spend my days confused by waking dreams, not sure of the day or time usually, just waiting for a weekend that never seems to come.
and i've been quite mad lately. all alone, ive had these intemse outbursts, "violent prayer", cursing the devil and asking the LOrd "WHY NOT!!!?!?"
this journey is changing. i feel like a steering wheel in my life is slowly and ever so slightly doing a U-Turn, yet in a different, but same, direction.
a new direction.
a new - same - different direction.
i'm ready to move on, as far as thinking goes.
and i want a pen that will put an end to my notebook obsession. as katie puts it, all my notebooks have a scripture, a grocery list, then 98 empty pages, waiting to be filled.
i just want to fill them.
i have a space now, my "office" as i call it.
and its full of so much memory that sometimes i just leave, i just can't remember anymore.
im tired of my brain and my yearnings. why cant i want new things?
its like my memory is a thrift store dream that replays over and over and over and i cant get out.
i want out.
or some closure, i'll take either one.