Dec 20, 2012 03:24
Come on, now.
This feels like some sort of test.
Last week, I was trying to plan the menu for a friends' holiday dinner party (which would eventually, unsurprisingly, fall through) and I came to realize hosting such an event requires a certain flair. And graciousness. It's a talent I'm not entirely certain I possess, though I felt certain that some forethought would prepare me sufficiently for the event. And so, as I moved through my day, in particular while shampooing my hair, I began to think about what I would say to toast my friends before dinner.
Let's raise a glass to you, our friends who found success this year: those who have gotten a degree, begun a new job, gotten married or engaged, become a parent. And to those of us who have not seen any such milestones (wait-- is it only me?), congratulations to us (seriously, just me?) for...
for...
...for the love and support we (I) gave?
...for my ... consistency?
...for really just killing it at work that one day?
How about congratulations to me for making it through, without a speck of envy, a seriously ho-hum year?
Only now, when I think about it in depth, do my eyes begin to turn a little green. It's true. Nearly everyone in my circle has had a bang-up 2012. Six people I know are receiving degrees. Three have had new babies. Three engagements, two weddings, two new jobs, and a recording contract. Early this year, my cousins opened a bowling alley, which quickly rose to the top of the Cleveland hipster hit list.
[The year in Me: my appearance finally seemed to catch up with my age.]
The truth is, I really am happy for each and every one of these people. And it's not that I'm necessarily looking for these things in my own life. A new job would be terrific, but otherwise, I've been happily plugging away at my own "personal project." It was -- is -- a possession assession, a possessment assessment in which I dug through all my old boxes of crap and ultimately donated about 75% of it to Goodwill, Salvation Army, the used bookstore that benefits adult literacy.
This is nothing to sneeze at. I'm proud of what I've done. It's a... personal growth thing.
But I don't feel finished.
I'm not finished.
I still need to do the heavy lifting (literally). Moving around what remains of my belongings to make my space more liveable. When I see that I still have six sterilite tubs full of stuff in addition to the things I use daily, I don't feel like I did a good enough job in the first place -- I need to go through it again. But how could I not be finished? I've been doing this for MORE THAN A YEAR. Will it never end?
And that's the real trouble...
I want desperately to have a milestone -- no, it doesn't have to be one of the abovementioned -- just some small success that I can share when I meet with my successful and progressive friends. But. I can't start a new part of my life until I finish the last.
And I've always had trouble finishing things.
I need to remember what my screenwriting teacher used to say.
Delayed success is not failure.