(no subject)
Has it really been so long since I have written in my journal? I intend to pour my heart out so often, ah but I get side tracked
Last week I went to get my best friend Daniel from the airport in Atlanta. I'm always up for a nice little road trip. I stopped at the Georgia welcome center, as I was walking in there was an old man and an old woman walking in also. They were walking very slow, I sped up a bit and walked around them so I could beat them to the door, but it was for the sole intention to hold it open for them. When I held it open, they both stopped looked at me and smiled, the old man said 'You are a gentleman and a scholar' They both just beamed at me and walked on in. I don't know why I felt compelled to write this down. I do hope that I am a gentleman, I always say 'chilvary is not dead, not yet anyway, maybe when I die it will also die, but as long as I am alive its not dead.' I also hope that one day I will be able to consider myself a scholar.
On a not so positive note, a few days ago I was spraying off my car to rid it of the pollen. Regina saw me in the yard and she walked up and we sat on the porch and just talked a while. The conversation turned to kids, I said that I wanted a kid so bad. I told her I thought boys would be easier to raise, but I didn't want a boy I wanted a girl. Of course after acknowledging that boys would be easier, then turning around saying I wanted a girl, the obvious question was why. I looked at her and I said "Regina, I am afraid that I couldn't raise a boy, I am afraid if I raised a boy he would turn out like me"
When she realized what I had said, what I was refering to, she at once had told me that was silly, she said there was absolutley nothing wrong with me, look at me I was raised fine, and I was fine the way I had turned out. It meant alot to me that she was so quick to come to my defense. I unexpectedly almost got emotional when I told her why I didn't want a son. And even writing this it gets me. It makes me realize, that no matter how much I think I'm becoming more comfortable with myself, happy, I'm still very self lothing. It cuts me deep. Cause I really thought I was dealing better. There are many other things I could write about. But I think that this will suffice for now.
Last week I went to get my best friend Daniel from the airport in Atlanta. I'm always up for a nice little road trip. I stopped at the Georgia welcome center, as I was walking in there was an old man and an old woman walking in also. They were walking very slow, I sped up a bit and walked around them so I could beat them to the door, but it was for the sole intention to hold it open for them. When I held it open, they both stopped looked at me and smiled, the old man said 'You are a gentleman and a scholar' They both just beamed at me and walked on in. I don't know why I felt compelled to write this down. I do hope that I am a gentleman, I always say 'chilvary is not dead, not yet anyway, maybe when I die it will also die, but as long as I am alive its not dead.' I also hope that one day I will be able to consider myself a scholar.
On a not so positive note, a few days ago I was spraying off my car to rid it of the pollen. Regina saw me in the yard and she walked up and we sat on the porch and just talked a while. The conversation turned to kids, I said that I wanted a kid so bad. I told her I thought boys would be easier to raise, but I didn't want a boy I wanted a girl. Of course after acknowledging that boys would be easier, then turning around saying I wanted a girl, the obvious question was why. I looked at her and I said "Regina, I am afraid that I couldn't raise a boy, I am afraid if I raised a boy he would turn out like me"
When she realized what I had said, what I was refering to, she at once had told me that was silly, she said there was absolutley nothing wrong with me, look at me I was raised fine, and I was fine the way I had turned out. It meant alot to me that she was so quick to come to my defense. I unexpectedly almost got emotional when I told her why I didn't want a son. And even writing this it gets me. It makes me realize, that no matter how much I think I'm becoming more comfortable with myself, happy, I'm still very self lothing. It cuts me deep. Cause I really thought I was dealing better. There are many other things I could write about. But I think that this will suffice for now.