(no subject)
So... Hillsdale College drama is just fucking bull shit. Is it really going to matter in about 10 years? Didn't think so.
Anyway. Tem and I spent a lot of time talking the past couple of days about this "lifestyle". Pretty much the entire lifestyle that comes along with living in suburbia... aka the little private school girl who lives in a subdivision in a huge city because it's "safe" and it will help me keep my innocence longer and it will keep me out of danger (when in all actuality hearing gunshots in the woods the other night showed me that this place is far more dangerous than anyone ever believes) and etc... I was sent to Immaculate Conception grade school because if I went to a private, catholic school, I would develop a sense of morals and a strong religious base. I was always taught that people who went to public school could never have either of those, most importantly they would never develop morals... I was sent to Marian because my parents wanted me in a private school not only because people were pleasant moral individuals, but also because there were no boys there... because if I was around boys, they would badly influence me and I would surely get pregnant and do drugs and etc... I was sent to Hillsdale for much of the same reason. Pretty much the only reason I'm here is because it was one of the few [in state] schools that didn't have co-ed dorms.
Anyway, I digress.
My entire life has been devoted to keeping me safe and keeping me innocent for as long as humanly possible, preferably forever.
The outcome?
Majorly depressed somewhere around 13-14
I attempted suicide for the first time and started cutting when I was 15.
I lost my virginity when I was 16. (big no no in the Ospalski household).
I became anorexic when I was 17.
I started drinking when I was 17.
I had a horrible horrible addiction when I was 17-19.
I had my first female "fling" when I was 18.
Started smoking when I was 18 (didn't see much point if I had to have other people support my habit)
Tell me that this is what mommy and daddy had in mind. So, did their plan work? Did their method of raising me make me the perfect little girl in the perfect little society? Far from.
All these things did to me was make me horribly depressed... and up until this week, I didn't even realize why. I always blamed it on my parents just because I was always most depressed whenever I was at home.. but this week I figured out that it was just the entire lifestyle. People were never meant to live like this, packed into subdivisions full of identical houses with identical lawns and identical "rich" cars lining the driveway... as Tem said, the only difference between the houses were the mailboxes... As you walk around the subdivision, you can tell that not many people are actually happy living like this... but society tells us that we are supposed to. By living this "utopian" lifestyle, it shows that we are the well-to-do class and obviously we are the happiest etc... when in all actuality, the happiest people in this world are probably some of the poorest. The people living in the middle of nowhere who are actually able to go outside and look up at the stars, or go wandering through a real forest...
Living in this house, in this subdivision, in this city, in this suburbia is like a cage. You have to drive a good 30 miles north of here to get to a place where a person can just breathe , and driving south? Hell, you're talking 75+ miles. Every single day is more of the same. You watch TV, you play online, you chat with friends, you go outside and you see identical houses and you drive around and you see identical stores and you see identical people with the same identical blank faces.
I would rather be homeless living in the back of my car than grow up to live this life.
Anyway. Tem and I spent a lot of time talking the past couple of days about this "lifestyle". Pretty much the entire lifestyle that comes along with living in suburbia... aka the little private school girl who lives in a subdivision in a huge city because it's "safe" and it will help me keep my innocence longer and it will keep me out of danger (when in all actuality hearing gunshots in the woods the other night showed me that this place is far more dangerous than anyone ever believes) and etc... I was sent to Immaculate Conception grade school because if I went to a private, catholic school, I would develop a sense of morals and a strong religious base. I was always taught that people who went to public school could never have either of those, most importantly they would never develop morals... I was sent to Marian because my parents wanted me in a private school not only because people were pleasant moral individuals, but also because there were no boys there... because if I was around boys, they would badly influence me and I would surely get pregnant and do drugs and etc... I was sent to Hillsdale for much of the same reason. Pretty much the only reason I'm here is because it was one of the few [in state] schools that didn't have co-ed dorms.
Anyway, I digress.
My entire life has been devoted to keeping me safe and keeping me innocent for as long as humanly possible, preferably forever.
The outcome?
Majorly depressed somewhere around 13-14
I attempted suicide for the first time and started cutting when I was 15.
I lost my virginity when I was 16. (big no no in the Ospalski household).
I became anorexic when I was 17.
I started drinking when I was 17.
I had a horrible horrible addiction when I was 17-19.
I had my first female "fling" when I was 18.
Started smoking when I was 18 (didn't see much point if I had to have other people support my habit)
Tell me that this is what mommy and daddy had in mind. So, did their plan work? Did their method of raising me make me the perfect little girl in the perfect little society? Far from.
All these things did to me was make me horribly depressed... and up until this week, I didn't even realize why. I always blamed it on my parents just because I was always most depressed whenever I was at home.. but this week I figured out that it was just the entire lifestyle. People were never meant to live like this, packed into subdivisions full of identical houses with identical lawns and identical "rich" cars lining the driveway... as Tem said, the only difference between the houses were the mailboxes... As you walk around the subdivision, you can tell that not many people are actually happy living like this... but society tells us that we are supposed to. By living this "utopian" lifestyle, it shows that we are the well-to-do class and obviously we are the happiest etc... when in all actuality, the happiest people in this world are probably some of the poorest. The people living in the middle of nowhere who are actually able to go outside and look up at the stars, or go wandering through a real forest...
Living in this house, in this subdivision, in this city, in this suburbia is like a cage. You have to drive a good 30 miles north of here to get to a place where a person can just breathe , and driving south? Hell, you're talking 75+ miles. Every single day is more of the same. You watch TV, you play online, you chat with friends, you go outside and you see identical houses and you drive around and you see identical stores and you see identical people with the same identical blank faces.
I would rather be homeless living in the back of my car than grow up to live this life.