Life, phase 2.
(Mirrored from my journal homepage)
In my personal life, a lot has been going on this summer. This entry is going to be long and it's going to require a good amount of background information. So here we go.
My girlfriend from China broke up with me in June. We didn't talk about all of the details, but I have an idea of the causes. She's been working and so she's been busier. I was busy with school and sometimes I opted to not talk to her in order to do homework. Additionally, one time I snapped at her when I had an assignment due and she wanted to talk--I just couldn't handle the pressure of finding sufficient time to talk to her, go to school, do my homework, and get a decent amount of sleep. I didn't yell at her or anything; we were talking over IM. Still, I know that I conveyed my annoyance with my stupidly rhetorical questions like "do you want me to stop working to talk to you?". In retrospect, it hurts me to even think of how that affected her.
Fast forward a month and I've decided I don't like studying as much as graduate school would require. It's taken much out of my life and made the previous school year pretty tiring. I took a 1-year graduate level introduction to real analysis. Jargon aside, this meant an hour long lecture 4 days out of the week. It also meant 10+ hours of homework per week. I also took over 20 units each quarter of the last school year. This workload is about what I should expect if I go to graduate school. Now I know graduate school's not for me because had I not taken this workload, then my ex and I would likely still be together. The last piece of background is my plans on what I'll do with my life.
I don't like programming; I never really have. I've always had one career in the back of my mind: actuarial science. I knew since high school that actuaries have stable, well paid jobs with lots of room for growth. The catch is that one has to put in a good amount of time studying. Even so, there's good financial reward for doing so. Over the last year, I thought about preparing for both graduate school and actuarial exams. About a month after I broke up with my ex, though, I realized that I don't care about making lots of money. I just want to be with her. I went through a couple of plans of how I'd do that. This took time--roughly the month of July--and conferring with friends. I decided to teach English in Beijing to situate myself closer to my ex. I hoped that this would be enough to motivate her to get back together with me. I've spent the last 6 or 7 weeks preparing my resume and cover letter when I wasn't working on my research professor's code or doing homework for summer school. I have my oldest sister to thank for working with me on those two documents through the entire duration.
That basically covers the major points of my last year. It covers what's happened since up to a week and a half ago--early September.
On the first Monday of September, I woke up feeling needy. I had awaken very early and I couldn't go back to sleep in this state. I felt the need to talk to my ex. I still hadn't accepted the idea that I'm single. It was nearing 3 months since we broke up. Still, I felt like a future with her was right around the corner. I called her house number a few times over the course of an hour. I didn't want to be too bothersome, so I just tried 3 times--once every 10-15 minutes. When she didn't pick up after the third time, I knew something had to be up. She didn't have caller id or anything, so she wasn't avoiding me. Rather, I just figured she should be home but not sleeping at this time. After all, she had work the next day.
I called her cell phone and she picked up on my try. She was evasive, as had been usual for the last few months. I just remember something along the lines of "hi...I gotta go". This wasn't the first time I'd gotten such a greeting. I might've even gotten such a greeting within the last couple of months of our relationship. I decided that I had enough of it, though. This wasn't right. She said she wanted to break up while we were still on speaking terms, since she was afraid that we wouldn't even be friends. What was this? Were these speaking terms?
I went through most of that day distraught. I was able to talk to others and pass through the day all right. At night time, I caught her online. Due to the time difference, she had just arrived at work and signed on MSN messenger. A little further background--she has to be on MSN messenger for work, as her boss uses it to make sure she arrives on time. I messaged her and we started talking. After a little bit of small talk, I asked her if she had moved. She acted surprised. She thought she'd told me. This hurt.
For so long, I felt like she might be seeing someone else. I didn't want to be inflammatory, though. I had to phrase it as delicately as I could, even in my increasingly irrational state.
"Would you tell me if you were seeing someone else?"
"Yeah"
(pause)
"Um about that. I'm seeing someone."
That hurt too. I was flushed and panicking. Where's that potential future with her now? Was I wrong to try to quell my suspicions? I didn't want to be wrong about that. I asked how long she's been seeing this guy. It was just two weeks. Whew... but what about all of my plans? Up to this point, I had only asked her via email if she'd get back together with me if I moved to China. She replied saying that she was flattered but didn't think I should make this sacrifice for her. I emailed her about that in August. However, I only emailed her about it after failing to reach her via phone after several weeks.
I told her my plans about going to Beijing to teach English. I told her that she was a major reason. She tried to talk me out of going for her. I told her that as long as I felt there was even the slightest hope, I would go. She told me that if I went, she would not get back together with me. This wasn't enough, anymore. I had said to myself in August when I emailed her with that hint, proposal, suggestion, whatever you want to call it...I would turn down if she said she wouldn't be interested. At that time, instead, she just said that I shouldn't go because I'd be making too big of a sacrifice. That wasn't enough then. This response, which would've been sufficient in the past, no longer was.
To go back to the conversation with her, we both stood our ground. She insisted I was going nowhere. I insisted that I felt I had hope even if she said otherwise. I pointed out that we were repeating ourselves. I offered that we just stop the conversation there and we both could consider each other's points of view. She agreed.
A few days later, I messaged her telling her how much I still cared for her. I told her that this is why I couldn't give up just yet. I didn't feel like this conversation was saying anything new, though. I must've been wrong. She messaged me a few days later to tell me that she was distracted by that conversation. I seemed to be forcing myself upon her. She said I wasn't actually doing so, but it felt like it. To her, it wasn't fair that I waited 3 months to try to get back together with her. She used this time to move on. She spent a lot of time deciding whether to break up with me. I conceded that I felt it wasn't fair. I told her that she should continue to see the guy she's seeing. I also admitted that I had decided on going to Beijing.
I told her that I hoped things would work out with the guy she's seeing. I wanted to be civil and dignified... I also told her that if things didn't work out, I would still be joyed to get back together with her. So much for being dignified. That was last Monday--9/11. Since then I tried messaging her once while she was at work but she ignored it. She did that once last week too. Her work is busy with organizing a big event. Understandably, she could be too busy to deal with this right now.
I've taken her off my friends list, so that I can at least not feel the pangs of seeing her online and the questions that follow--Should I message her? What if she's busy? What if she just doesn't want to talk and gives me the brush off? Even worse, what if she ignores me? A bigger reason was that I didn't want to burden her with any more of ...this.
And with that, I've covered the important details up to the present. What's in my future?
I'm going to China. I'm still going to try to teach English there. I sent out my resume to my first choice yesterday.
Why am I still going? Haven't I heard a thing she's said? Can't I see she's not interested? Yes and no. I've experienced everything I described above. I know it paints the picture of an uninterested ex girlfriend. Still, I need to do this.
I tried to rationalize going. I've said to many people that seeing her may make a difference. I may feel completely differently upon seeing how she's changed. It could be that she'll feel differently upon seeing me. I really hope she feels something when she sees me, but I'm not naive enough to think it's likely to happen. I still can't dismiss the possibility, though. If there's one thing about me, it's that I won't accept the impossibility of something. I also know I can't force this. I can't force her to love me. I can't force her to feel. I can, however, take steps that might accomplish that. I can go there and hope for the best.
I attempted to rationalize this further by telling myself that relationships are about proximity and being there for one another. Admittedly, I wasn't there for her sometimes. Sometimes I was just unreachable because of the time difference, my classes, or because I was studying. Sometimes she wasn't there for me too. This was so for some of the same reasons.
These reasons won't cut it for most people when I explain this. I can keep trying to rationalize it, but it just comes down to one point. I need to do this. I need to try.
Why am I doing this? Don't I realize how painful it's going to be when in all likelihood she turns me down even after all my effort?
It's worth the risk to me. This is a decision that took me months to reach. I know I'd regret staying much more than I'd regret going. The regret for not going will be big, as well.
In all likelihood, she will turn me down again. Perhaps she'll even make herself unreachable to me so that I never even get to see her. That's ok, though. It's going to be painful. It's going to be very painful. But from that pain will come much wisdom. This last week and a half has been brutal. On numerous days, I've awaken at 5 in the morning unable to go back to sleep. At that time, there's no one awake to talk to and I couldn't choose a worse time to feel lonely. Still, in such a short period of time, I feel like I've achieved so much emotional self-understanding. I have to attribute it to the deep anxiety. I've also turned to friends whom I would otherwise not open up to. That has already made this experience so valuable.
I'd be teaching English there mostly. The teaching experience will expand my life skills. I can't imagine being comfortable in front of a group of 20-30 people. Yet I'll have to learn to be. I'll have to break through the barriers of my comfort zones. Teaching students on a schedule will also require me to learn how to be more organized. And of course, I'll have to learn to be able to think on my feet as students ask me questions in class.
In a way, I'm almost seeking out pain. If things don't go well with her, I'll be disappointed, lonely, frustrated, and depressed. Yet through that experience I'll learn to deal with emotional pain much better. If things do go well with her...my efforts would be justified and my love for her would be stronger than ever before.
Finally, living in China would improve my Chinese further. I may even have the option of taking Chinese courses from the university I'd teach at. Learning Chinese has proven to be so useful in communicating with my family, both immediate and extended.
I'll need a deadline for myself. I have to be realistic, though I'm admittedly already not doing so. I simply can't wait forever. I've decided a good time to give up would be towards the end of Spring or Summer 2007. The teaching positions I'm applying for start in the beginning of 2007, so that gives me roughly 6 months. I'll decide the exact date once I know where I'll teach. Then, I can just set it for a day, a week, or a month after the position ends.
What comes after that point? Well if we hook up again, then I'll find a means to stay in Beijing. Teaching English remains an option. I can explore this infinitesimally-improbable possibility in the infinitesimally-improbable chance that it happens. If we don't and my self-imposed deadline passes, then perhaps I'll stay another year and teach some more if I like it. It would have to be for purely personal reasons. I may come back and start working on that actuary career. We'll see.
You, the reader, can call me out on this. It could be myself reading this in a year's time. It could be any one of my other friends. If there's been no progress in my relationship with her before the deadline, then I should just move on. I invite anyone to give me a fresh slap in the face *after* the as-of-yet-undecided deadline, *if* I still try to hold out for her.
For now, though, I just can't let go. Nearly all of my friends have shown their disapproval of this idea. Many have said that I'll get hurt. Like I said, though, I need to do this. There's no talking me out of it now.
In my personal life, a lot has been going on this summer. This entry is going to be long and it's going to require a good amount of background information. So here we go.
My girlfriend from China broke up with me in June. We didn't talk about all of the details, but I have an idea of the causes. She's been working and so she's been busier. I was busy with school and sometimes I opted to not talk to her in order to do homework. Additionally, one time I snapped at her when I had an assignment due and she wanted to talk--I just couldn't handle the pressure of finding sufficient time to talk to her, go to school, do my homework, and get a decent amount of sleep. I didn't yell at her or anything; we were talking over IM. Still, I know that I conveyed my annoyance with my stupidly rhetorical questions like "do you want me to stop working to talk to you?". In retrospect, it hurts me to even think of how that affected her.
Fast forward a month and I've decided I don't like studying as much as graduate school would require. It's taken much out of my life and made the previous school year pretty tiring. I took a 1-year graduate level introduction to real analysis. Jargon aside, this meant an hour long lecture 4 days out of the week. It also meant 10+ hours of homework per week. I also took over 20 units each quarter of the last school year. This workload is about what I should expect if I go to graduate school. Now I know graduate school's not for me because had I not taken this workload, then my ex and I would likely still be together. The last piece of background is my plans on what I'll do with my life.
I don't like programming; I never really have. I've always had one career in the back of my mind: actuarial science. I knew since high school that actuaries have stable, well paid jobs with lots of room for growth. The catch is that one has to put in a good amount of time studying. Even so, there's good financial reward for doing so. Over the last year, I thought about preparing for both graduate school and actuarial exams. About a month after I broke up with my ex, though, I realized that I don't care about making lots of money. I just want to be with her. I went through a couple of plans of how I'd do that. This took time--roughly the month of July--and conferring with friends. I decided to teach English in Beijing to situate myself closer to my ex. I hoped that this would be enough to motivate her to get back together with me. I've spent the last 6 or 7 weeks preparing my resume and cover letter when I wasn't working on my research professor's code or doing homework for summer school. I have my oldest sister to thank for working with me on those two documents through the entire duration.
That basically covers the major points of my last year. It covers what's happened since up to a week and a half ago--early September.
On the first Monday of September, I woke up feeling needy. I had awaken very early and I couldn't go back to sleep in this state. I felt the need to talk to my ex. I still hadn't accepted the idea that I'm single. It was nearing 3 months since we broke up. Still, I felt like a future with her was right around the corner. I called her house number a few times over the course of an hour. I didn't want to be too bothersome, so I just tried 3 times--once every 10-15 minutes. When she didn't pick up after the third time, I knew something had to be up. She didn't have caller id or anything, so she wasn't avoiding me. Rather, I just figured she should be home but not sleeping at this time. After all, she had work the next day.
I called her cell phone and she picked up on my try. She was evasive, as had been usual for the last few months. I just remember something along the lines of "hi...I gotta go". This wasn't the first time I'd gotten such a greeting. I might've even gotten such a greeting within the last couple of months of our relationship. I decided that I had enough of it, though. This wasn't right. She said she wanted to break up while we were still on speaking terms, since she was afraid that we wouldn't even be friends. What was this? Were these speaking terms?
I went through most of that day distraught. I was able to talk to others and pass through the day all right. At night time, I caught her online. Due to the time difference, she had just arrived at work and signed on MSN messenger. A little further background--she has to be on MSN messenger for work, as her boss uses it to make sure she arrives on time. I messaged her and we started talking. After a little bit of small talk, I asked her if she had moved. She acted surprised. She thought she'd told me. This hurt.
For so long, I felt like she might be seeing someone else. I didn't want to be inflammatory, though. I had to phrase it as delicately as I could, even in my increasingly irrational state.
"Would you tell me if you were seeing someone else?"
"Yeah"
(pause)
"Um about that. I'm seeing someone."
That hurt too. I was flushed and panicking. Where's that potential future with her now? Was I wrong to try to quell my suspicions? I didn't want to be wrong about that. I asked how long she's been seeing this guy. It was just two weeks. Whew... but what about all of my plans? Up to this point, I had only asked her via email if she'd get back together with me if I moved to China. She replied saying that she was flattered but didn't think I should make this sacrifice for her. I emailed her about that in August. However, I only emailed her about it after failing to reach her via phone after several weeks.
I told her my plans about going to Beijing to teach English. I told her that she was a major reason. She tried to talk me out of going for her. I told her that as long as I felt there was even the slightest hope, I would go. She told me that if I went, she would not get back together with me. This wasn't enough, anymore. I had said to myself in August when I emailed her with that hint, proposal, suggestion, whatever you want to call it...I would turn down if she said she wouldn't be interested. At that time, instead, she just said that I shouldn't go because I'd be making too big of a sacrifice. That wasn't enough then. This response, which would've been sufficient in the past, no longer was.
To go back to the conversation with her, we both stood our ground. She insisted I was going nowhere. I insisted that I felt I had hope even if she said otherwise. I pointed out that we were repeating ourselves. I offered that we just stop the conversation there and we both could consider each other's points of view. She agreed.
A few days later, I messaged her telling her how much I still cared for her. I told her that this is why I couldn't give up just yet. I didn't feel like this conversation was saying anything new, though. I must've been wrong. She messaged me a few days later to tell me that she was distracted by that conversation. I seemed to be forcing myself upon her. She said I wasn't actually doing so, but it felt like it. To her, it wasn't fair that I waited 3 months to try to get back together with her. She used this time to move on. She spent a lot of time deciding whether to break up with me. I conceded that I felt it wasn't fair. I told her that she should continue to see the guy she's seeing. I also admitted that I had decided on going to Beijing.
I told her that I hoped things would work out with the guy she's seeing. I wanted to be civil and dignified... I also told her that if things didn't work out, I would still be joyed to get back together with her. So much for being dignified. That was last Monday--9/11. Since then I tried messaging her once while she was at work but she ignored it. She did that once last week too. Her work is busy with organizing a big event. Understandably, she could be too busy to deal with this right now.
I've taken her off my friends list, so that I can at least not feel the pangs of seeing her online and the questions that follow--Should I message her? What if she's busy? What if she just doesn't want to talk and gives me the brush off? Even worse, what if she ignores me? A bigger reason was that I didn't want to burden her with any more of ...this.
And with that, I've covered the important details up to the present. What's in my future?
I'm going to China. I'm still going to try to teach English there. I sent out my resume to my first choice yesterday.
Why am I still going? Haven't I heard a thing she's said? Can't I see she's not interested? Yes and no. I've experienced everything I described above. I know it paints the picture of an uninterested ex girlfriend. Still, I need to do this.
I tried to rationalize going. I've said to many people that seeing her may make a difference. I may feel completely differently upon seeing how she's changed. It could be that she'll feel differently upon seeing me. I really hope she feels something when she sees me, but I'm not naive enough to think it's likely to happen. I still can't dismiss the possibility, though. If there's one thing about me, it's that I won't accept the impossibility of something. I also know I can't force this. I can't force her to love me. I can't force her to feel. I can, however, take steps that might accomplish that. I can go there and hope for the best.
I attempted to rationalize this further by telling myself that relationships are about proximity and being there for one another. Admittedly, I wasn't there for her sometimes. Sometimes I was just unreachable because of the time difference, my classes, or because I was studying. Sometimes she wasn't there for me too. This was so for some of the same reasons.
These reasons won't cut it for most people when I explain this. I can keep trying to rationalize it, but it just comes down to one point. I need to do this. I need to try.
Why am I doing this? Don't I realize how painful it's going to be when in all likelihood she turns me down even after all my effort?
It's worth the risk to me. This is a decision that took me months to reach. I know I'd regret staying much more than I'd regret going. The regret for not going will be big, as well.
In all likelihood, she will turn me down again. Perhaps she'll even make herself unreachable to me so that I never even get to see her. That's ok, though. It's going to be painful. It's going to be very painful. But from that pain will come much wisdom. This last week and a half has been brutal. On numerous days, I've awaken at 5 in the morning unable to go back to sleep. At that time, there's no one awake to talk to and I couldn't choose a worse time to feel lonely. Still, in such a short period of time, I feel like I've achieved so much emotional self-understanding. I have to attribute it to the deep anxiety. I've also turned to friends whom I would otherwise not open up to. That has already made this experience so valuable.
I'd be teaching English there mostly. The teaching experience will expand my life skills. I can't imagine being comfortable in front of a group of 20-30 people. Yet I'll have to learn to be. I'll have to break through the barriers of my comfort zones. Teaching students on a schedule will also require me to learn how to be more organized. And of course, I'll have to learn to be able to think on my feet as students ask me questions in class.
In a way, I'm almost seeking out pain. If things don't go well with her, I'll be disappointed, lonely, frustrated, and depressed. Yet through that experience I'll learn to deal with emotional pain much better. If things do go well with her...my efforts would be justified and my love for her would be stronger than ever before.
Finally, living in China would improve my Chinese further. I may even have the option of taking Chinese courses from the university I'd teach at. Learning Chinese has proven to be so useful in communicating with my family, both immediate and extended.
I'll need a deadline for myself. I have to be realistic, though I'm admittedly already not doing so. I simply can't wait forever. I've decided a good time to give up would be towards the end of Spring or Summer 2007. The teaching positions I'm applying for start in the beginning of 2007, so that gives me roughly 6 months. I'll decide the exact date once I know where I'll teach. Then, I can just set it for a day, a week, or a month after the position ends.
What comes after that point? Well if we hook up again, then I'll find a means to stay in Beijing. Teaching English remains an option. I can explore this infinitesimally-improbable possibility in the infinitesimally-improbable chance that it happens. If we don't and my self-imposed deadline passes, then perhaps I'll stay another year and teach some more if I like it. It would have to be for purely personal reasons. I may come back and start working on that actuary career. We'll see.
You, the reader, can call me out on this. It could be myself reading this in a year's time. It could be any one of my other friends. If there's been no progress in my relationship with her before the deadline, then I should just move on. I invite anyone to give me a fresh slap in the face *after* the as-of-yet-undecided deadline, *if* I still try to hold out for her.
For now, though, I just can't let go. Nearly all of my friends have shown their disapproval of this idea. Many have said that I'll get hurt. Like I said, though, I need to do this. There's no talking me out of it now.