Crazy...
So yeah... There's been a lot of crazy stuff going on between when I last posted and today.
I've been stressed out my mind...
So let's see... Anime Weekend Altanta was a total and complete disaster with my boyfriend. With my friends it was awesome. With him... Not even close... He apparently didn't want to spend time with me and would rather have been dancing with girls at the rave and pleasing his fangirls as he cosplayed... ~__~
So then the final straw that broke us up (I wonder now how that didn't break the camel's back in the first place.. I was plenty pissed at him..) was when he decided it was a good idea to act like he had multiple personalties and threaten to kill me... Raking his fingers down my arms, clawing at my neck when I did slip and let his hand get too close... It was terrifying.. And my biggest stupid goal was to make sure he got help. Even though I couldn't be around him anymore, I just wanted to help him. It happened at 3am at night. No where to readily go, no one to actually contact for help... Best I could do was try to keep him calm and as predictable as possible. I had to do what it took to stay safe until I could call for help... It's funny how you don't understand how you'll truly react in situations like that until you are in them... With angry faces and voices... Hands reaching under your clothes despite your terrified trembling...
By the time I was able to call someone I had barely been able to get him leave for a while... Called my sister, not thinking too clearly about the situation, and she made a call to a close friend of hers (a crisis intervention counselor) and i was gone within half an hour. Of course, after lying to him for the first time, that a close family memeber had gotten sick and I had to go home...
My parents came up... The college was notified.. I was moved... A judge denied me a restraining order.. Saying it wasn't enough that he did what he did. Something new had to happen... Then my ex told me he lied about the personalities... That he just did what he did because he was angry...
I had "friends" harrassing me, and when I told them what happened to me, so many withdrew... They either believe him, or are staying neutral.. Except for a precious few in the city I'm in... My friends from home were completely behind me... They've known me for years, know that I'm above lying and have no reason to lie. Apparently, I didn't seem the same to most of these people in Atlanta. The biggest thing they're holding against me is that I slept with him after it happened. But what else was I supposed to do? Tell him no and have him choke me to death? I'd rather live thank you.
And then... I had a rough week this week.. Rougher than the last 3 weeks before somehow...
He's been sneaking closer to me... Appearing in places near me when he has no business being there... The most worrisome one is that I have an animation class very early in the mornings... It has a large window that I hate because people can see everything in there almost... When I was leaving my class, he was there... In a computer lab adjacent to my classroom. Why there? You have to pass by 4 or 5 other labs going from the stairs to there. And they're all usually empty except for 2 classes that early in the morning. Why pass all of those? It's creepy...
And after I left my class that Friday.. He came into the cafe. We've been in the cafe at the same time before. I usually stay on the other side of the room from him. I don't talk to people in his face, I move away from him. But he came in, and started chatting with a girl that was sitting at the same table as me... Next thing I knew, he had sat down at the table. I was trying to ignore him, but 2 guys sitting next to me kept poking at me because I was frowning so hard. When they found out what had happened... What he did to me.. They demeaned it. Stating that a girlfriend threatens him all the time, the other saying he threatens people all the time. Then proceeded to call my ex's attention to me to say that I hate him. So I asked him to leave the table. It was strangely polite, but I was close to yelling... And he just sat there. So I asked the girl to talk to him elsewhere, which she did.
A friend of mine came in who knew of the situation and when I told him what happened, he said I shouldn't have done that. I started freaking out, because it seemed like no one cared.. Maybe they'd be happier if he did kill me, then they wouldn't be all caught up in this...
Another 2 friends of mine came down, which was a blessing, saw me, asked what happened, then promptly took me upstairs because my ex had come back and was standing 4 feet away from me...
Then, another so called friend of mine decided to approach me about the incident. When I told my friends what happened, he was the main one arguing against me. Not my ex. He asked me what happened, then proceeded to tell me that I was out of line.
No I was not. He's supposed to stay away from me. The school has informed him of that with the threat of expulsion, he knows I will call the police if he bothers me, I've told him to stay away from me... And then he does something like that. SO I finally blocked him out. He's been unhealthy for me as well anyway and was in no way any help. He made things worse than they ever would have been. It's sad that he's still such a child, no matter how grown up he thinks he is. He hasn't thought anything through. By revealing things Kyle did to me, he's only added to the charges that would be pressed should I choose to pursue if things keep up..
Life is crazy... I'm tired.. Stressed.. Depressed.. Worried... I've lost way too much weight.. My clothes barely fit me anymore, they just hang there... But I can't get myself to eat... I just don't have an appetite.. All I can do is try to sleep... I'm sorta sleeping by now, despite nightmares, but I only sleep during the day by now.. I can't get myself to sleep at night unless I wake up and make myself go back to sleep... I might end up going home for the winter.. I don't want to.. But i might have to.. Having trouble dealing with life up here right now... Dealing with these people that act like they don't care whether I live or die because they're trying to be both our friends... Because they can't see him for the monster he is..
I used to love him because he was sweet.. kind, caring, wonderful... he's done so many things for me and vice versa.. He stayed with me when I twisted my ankle, he made me smile when I was sad, he held me when I cried as I wouldn't do in front of anyone else... I loved him more than my ex-fiance... if he hadn't of done this, we'd probably still be together.. But this is how things have turned out... This is how life has chosen to turn for me.. Its sucks.. Immensely.. But it's life. I just gotta do what I gotta do..
I've been stressed out my mind...
So let's see... Anime Weekend Altanta was a total and complete disaster with my boyfriend. With my friends it was awesome. With him... Not even close... He apparently didn't want to spend time with me and would rather have been dancing with girls at the rave and pleasing his fangirls as he cosplayed... ~__~
So then the final straw that broke us up (I wonder now how that didn't break the camel's back in the first place.. I was plenty pissed at him..) was when he decided it was a good idea to act like he had multiple personalties and threaten to kill me... Raking his fingers down my arms, clawing at my neck when I did slip and let his hand get too close... It was terrifying.. And my biggest stupid goal was to make sure he got help. Even though I couldn't be around him anymore, I just wanted to help him. It happened at 3am at night. No where to readily go, no one to actually contact for help... Best I could do was try to keep him calm and as predictable as possible. I had to do what it took to stay safe until I could call for help... It's funny how you don't understand how you'll truly react in situations like that until you are in them... With angry faces and voices... Hands reaching under your clothes despite your terrified trembling...
By the time I was able to call someone I had barely been able to get him leave for a while... Called my sister, not thinking too clearly about the situation, and she made a call to a close friend of hers (a crisis intervention counselor) and i was gone within half an hour. Of course, after lying to him for the first time, that a close family memeber had gotten sick and I had to go home...
My parents came up... The college was notified.. I was moved... A judge denied me a restraining order.. Saying it wasn't enough that he did what he did. Something new had to happen... Then my ex told me he lied about the personalities... That he just did what he did because he was angry...
I had "friends" harrassing me, and when I told them what happened to me, so many withdrew... They either believe him, or are staying neutral.. Except for a precious few in the city I'm in... My friends from home were completely behind me... They've known me for years, know that I'm above lying and have no reason to lie. Apparently, I didn't seem the same to most of these people in Atlanta. The biggest thing they're holding against me is that I slept with him after it happened. But what else was I supposed to do? Tell him no and have him choke me to death? I'd rather live thank you.
And then... I had a rough week this week.. Rougher than the last 3 weeks before somehow...
He's been sneaking closer to me... Appearing in places near me when he has no business being there... The most worrisome one is that I have an animation class very early in the mornings... It has a large window that I hate because people can see everything in there almost... When I was leaving my class, he was there... In a computer lab adjacent to my classroom. Why there? You have to pass by 4 or 5 other labs going from the stairs to there. And they're all usually empty except for 2 classes that early in the morning. Why pass all of those? It's creepy...
And after I left my class that Friday.. He came into the cafe. We've been in the cafe at the same time before. I usually stay on the other side of the room from him. I don't talk to people in his face, I move away from him. But he came in, and started chatting with a girl that was sitting at the same table as me... Next thing I knew, he had sat down at the table. I was trying to ignore him, but 2 guys sitting next to me kept poking at me because I was frowning so hard. When they found out what had happened... What he did to me.. They demeaned it. Stating that a girlfriend threatens him all the time, the other saying he threatens people all the time. Then proceeded to call my ex's attention to me to say that I hate him. So I asked him to leave the table. It was strangely polite, but I was close to yelling... And he just sat there. So I asked the girl to talk to him elsewhere, which she did.
A friend of mine came in who knew of the situation and when I told him what happened, he said I shouldn't have done that. I started freaking out, because it seemed like no one cared.. Maybe they'd be happier if he did kill me, then they wouldn't be all caught up in this...
Another 2 friends of mine came down, which was a blessing, saw me, asked what happened, then promptly took me upstairs because my ex had come back and was standing 4 feet away from me...
Then, another so called friend of mine decided to approach me about the incident. When I told my friends what happened, he was the main one arguing against me. Not my ex. He asked me what happened, then proceeded to tell me that I was out of line.
No I was not. He's supposed to stay away from me. The school has informed him of that with the threat of expulsion, he knows I will call the police if he bothers me, I've told him to stay away from me... And then he does something like that. SO I finally blocked him out. He's been unhealthy for me as well anyway and was in no way any help. He made things worse than they ever would have been. It's sad that he's still such a child, no matter how grown up he thinks he is. He hasn't thought anything through. By revealing things Kyle did to me, he's only added to the charges that would be pressed should I choose to pursue if things keep up..
Life is crazy... I'm tired.. Stressed.. Depressed.. Worried... I've lost way too much weight.. My clothes barely fit me anymore, they just hang there... But I can't get myself to eat... I just don't have an appetite.. All I can do is try to sleep... I'm sorta sleeping by now, despite nightmares, but I only sleep during the day by now.. I can't get myself to sleep at night unless I wake up and make myself go back to sleep... I might end up going home for the winter.. I don't want to.. But i might have to.. Having trouble dealing with life up here right now... Dealing with these people that act like they don't care whether I live or die because they're trying to be both our friends... Because they can't see him for the monster he is..
I used to love him because he was sweet.. kind, caring, wonderful... he's done so many things for me and vice versa.. He stayed with me when I twisted my ankle, he made me smile when I was sad, he held me when I cried as I wouldn't do in front of anyone else... I loved him more than my ex-fiance... if he hadn't of done this, we'd probably still be together.. But this is how things have turned out... This is how life has chosen to turn for me.. Its sucks.. Immensely.. But it's life. I just gotta do what I gotta do..