Rude Awakening
I’ve been going through something lately - that is, if the past couple of years could be considered “lately”. Thanks to this whole law-school experience, I’ve been doing a lot of introspection, coming to terms with things about myself that I’d managed to deliberately or unconsciously overlook in the past - unsettling things. Like my exceedingly low self-esteem and my inability to perform under pressure. And I wonder: Is my lack of confidence a result of my tendency to panic in high-pressure situations or do I get flustered under stressful circumstances because I have no faith in my abilities? It’s the old adage, “Which came first? The chicken - or the egg?”
I’m so absolutely terrified of failure that I’m unwilling to take risks, and I’ve contented myself with mediocrity; I’ve convinced myself that settling for less is easier to deal with than trying my hand at something huge and demanding, only to come up short in the end. The thing that perplexes and irritates me is that I’m by no means a stupid person - yet, I feel like such a complete and utter disappointment to myself and to those who have such high expectations of me.
Make no mistake, law school has been a humbling experience. Much to my chagrin, I’ve succeeded in nothing more than achieving passing grades. But I can’t for the life of me understand why I’ve been so wrapped up in all of it. Clearly, grades aren’t representative of a person’s intelligence or abilities. They aren’t determinative of one’s performance as a lawyer - they are NOT the end all, be all, right? Then why is that I have this nagging sensation that they are in fact indicative of my future success - or lack thereof. From a logical standpoint, I know that grades don’t define a person, but to some extent I can’t help but believe that because I’m a less-than-average student I’m not worthy of this profession.
And on top of everything else, I’m going through a mid-twenties crisis. I feel as though my life has passed me by, like my choices have become few and far between. Whereas 10 years ago, the future was an absolute unknown - an intriguing mystery - the future, *my* future, is laid out for me… and there are no surprises. I’m going to be a lawyer. I’ll work a lot - probably too much. I’ll be too debt-ridden to do anything *but* work. And when I’m not working, I’ll run errands - do laundry, go grocery shopping, pay bills. Y’know, all that mundane shit. And I’ll probably be too tired to do anything other than watch mindless television during my downtime. I’ll worry a lot, because frankly, honey, that’s my specialty. I’ll read self-help books because I’ll loathe myself. I’ll yearn for something else - something less empty. And I’ll wallow in my misery. And eventually, hopefully, I’ll stop dreaming - I’ll stop wishing for the kind of life that I’ll never have because I made certain choices long ago, and there’s no turning back.
I know it sounds like I'm unhappy, but that isn't entirely accurate. Right now I'm just grappling with the path I've chosen - trying to accept things as they are. The unfortunate part of it is that it's making me, and the people around me, crazy. I'm more angry than ever, more hostile, more aggressive. I don't know where all this rage is coming from, but it has no bounds. I don't feel compelled to break things the way I used to, but I'm quick to lose my temper. I have never been so stressed out. Ever. Sometimes I get so frantic and worked up about stuff that I make myself sick. My body does weird stuff when I worry, and the worrying seems absolutely endless. And the intensity of my worrying makes me think that I might lose it - like I'm literally on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I had a heart attack in the next five or 10 years, but I don't know how to calm down. Working out seems to be the only thing that releases me from this perpetual state of anxiety, and its effects are temporary. I feel like a caged animal, and I cannot stand it anymore!
I’m so absolutely terrified of failure that I’m unwilling to take risks, and I’ve contented myself with mediocrity; I’ve convinced myself that settling for less is easier to deal with than trying my hand at something huge and demanding, only to come up short in the end. The thing that perplexes and irritates me is that I’m by no means a stupid person - yet, I feel like such a complete and utter disappointment to myself and to those who have such high expectations of me.
Make no mistake, law school has been a humbling experience. Much to my chagrin, I’ve succeeded in nothing more than achieving passing grades. But I can’t for the life of me understand why I’ve been so wrapped up in all of it. Clearly, grades aren’t representative of a person’s intelligence or abilities. They aren’t determinative of one’s performance as a lawyer - they are NOT the end all, be all, right? Then why is that I have this nagging sensation that they are in fact indicative of my future success - or lack thereof. From a logical standpoint, I know that grades don’t define a person, but to some extent I can’t help but believe that because I’m a less-than-average student I’m not worthy of this profession.
And on top of everything else, I’m going through a mid-twenties crisis. I feel as though my life has passed me by, like my choices have become few and far between. Whereas 10 years ago, the future was an absolute unknown - an intriguing mystery - the future, *my* future, is laid out for me… and there are no surprises. I’m going to be a lawyer. I’ll work a lot - probably too much. I’ll be too debt-ridden to do anything *but* work. And when I’m not working, I’ll run errands - do laundry, go grocery shopping, pay bills. Y’know, all that mundane shit. And I’ll probably be too tired to do anything other than watch mindless television during my downtime. I’ll worry a lot, because frankly, honey, that’s my specialty. I’ll read self-help books because I’ll loathe myself. I’ll yearn for something else - something less empty. And I’ll wallow in my misery. And eventually, hopefully, I’ll stop dreaming - I’ll stop wishing for the kind of life that I’ll never have because I made certain choices long ago, and there’s no turning back.
I know it sounds like I'm unhappy, but that isn't entirely accurate. Right now I'm just grappling with the path I've chosen - trying to accept things as they are. The unfortunate part of it is that it's making me, and the people around me, crazy. I'm more angry than ever, more hostile, more aggressive. I don't know where all this rage is coming from, but it has no bounds. I don't feel compelled to break things the way I used to, but I'm quick to lose my temper. I have never been so stressed out. Ever. Sometimes I get so frantic and worked up about stuff that I make myself sick. My body does weird stuff when I worry, and the worrying seems absolutely endless. And the intensity of my worrying makes me think that I might lose it - like I'm literally on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I had a heart attack in the next five or 10 years, but I don't know how to calm down. Working out seems to be the only thing that releases me from this perpetual state of anxiety, and its effects are temporary. I feel like a caged animal, and I cannot stand it anymore!