(no subject)
i was asked tonight what God was doing in my life, i was asked to be transparent, and i gave the most bullshit answer.
I FUCKING HATE YOU. you're the perfect 'beever cleaver' posterchild. And you lie, you are the epitimy of fake. But I know your truths. I've seen you on your knees weeping with remorse and guilt. i've seen you scared, pale, and white because you didn't know what else to do. i saw the doubt. i saw the greed. and i don't care if its still there for you. i have a 3 year wall of this built up around my heart - i wonder if God will ever be able to get back in it. i can't find my life amongst all the shards of glass. and i would rather die than wake up one more morning and remember you. but i know that i will wake up tomorrow, go on hiding it all, and i'll hate every moment of it.
So I think its pretty apparent that i'm not allowing God to be in my life.
and for once, i'm not going to say i'm sorry.
I FUCKING HATE YOU. you're the perfect 'beever cleaver' posterchild. And you lie, you are the epitimy of fake. But I know your truths. I've seen you on your knees weeping with remorse and guilt. i've seen you scared, pale, and white because you didn't know what else to do. i saw the doubt. i saw the greed. and i don't care if its still there for you. i have a 3 year wall of this built up around my heart - i wonder if God will ever be able to get back in it. i can't find my life amongst all the shards of glass. and i would rather die than wake up one more morning and remember you. but i know that i will wake up tomorrow, go on hiding it all, and i'll hate every moment of it.
So I think its pretty apparent that i'm not allowing God to be in my life.
and for once, i'm not going to say i'm sorry.