The past and pending
As someone sets light to the first fire of autumn
We settle down to cut ourselves apart.
The Past: 7 minutes away from each other
The Pending: Me and C Ho will be moving 7 hours away from everyone
I'll admit that i was over high school around the middle of this year. I loved my friends. I loved my school. But everything seemed a bit repetitive and there was nothing i could grow from as a person. I liked my teachers and i loved the prospect of hanging out wiht my friends, but everyday i wanted to ditch just cause it felt like id get just as much out of sleeping than i would at school.
I could never identify with the word "High Schooler." The words were too small and too insecure. Like reading Christina Ho's entry saying that shed miss being a high schooler was weird to me cause i never pictured her as one. But i dont really picture ANY of my peers as "high schoolers." They/you are all far too wise and fun and have grown too much in the past 4 years for something so minute.
Basically what i'm trying to say, is i dont think High School is something I need anymore and theres nothing more it can do for me. But it is definitely something I will always love. Like a trip to sacramento. Or a choral concert. Or a long talk in my lexus. All good things must come to an end. Did it all fly by too fast? Yes. But now it is over and theres nothing else left with me but good memories. And I think thats why i cant be emo. Theres nothing for me to be sad about. Who else can say they achieved so much with such great people by their side? I can proudly say there is nothing about high school I would have changed. 90% of it was purely amazing and the small 10% that was "bad" was actually better cause it turned me into the person I am today. I'm sure most of you carry such sentiments.
I got out at 1:45 on the last day of school but James and I stayed til 4:30/5:00pm talking to Ms. Heck (although it sure didnt feel that long.) We sat on the other side of the room facing her desk so for an hour my view was 30 empty desks and a teacher. And it was then I realized i wasnt a part of the school anymore. I was only in what-used-to-be my TA room visiting. And i talked candidly with my teacher cause, well, she wasnt my teacher anymore.
By the time we left the sun was stronger and the school was empty. Neither of us talked to each other on the way back to the car. We just walked past the debate room, past ms. teverbaugh's room, past the media center, absorbing the desolate campus and taking pictures of what had housed us for 4 years. I dont know how to put what i felt during that walk into words. It was like saying goodbye to something so concrete and stable that I knew would continue on without me.
So this is where I am now. Stuck between the past and the pending. I cant identify with being a high schooler, yet I cant picture myself as a college student. As of yesterday, High School is the past and college still looms in the future. But I am not anchored by any school or building or organization. Right now I am only affiliated with myself. And this new, foreign feeling is that feeling at the bottom of my stomach.
A month of freedom to myself and my companions. Theres so much possibility in the unconstrained.
We settle down to cut ourselves apart.
The Past: 7 minutes away from each other
The Pending: Me and C Ho will be moving 7 hours away from everyone
I'll admit that i was over high school around the middle of this year. I loved my friends. I loved my school. But everything seemed a bit repetitive and there was nothing i could grow from as a person. I liked my teachers and i loved the prospect of hanging out wiht my friends, but everyday i wanted to ditch just cause it felt like id get just as much out of sleeping than i would at school.
I could never identify with the word "High Schooler." The words were too small and too insecure. Like reading Christina Ho's entry saying that shed miss being a high schooler was weird to me cause i never pictured her as one. But i dont really picture ANY of my peers as "high schoolers." They/you are all far too wise and fun and have grown too much in the past 4 years for something so minute.
Basically what i'm trying to say, is i dont think High School is something I need anymore and theres nothing more it can do for me. But it is definitely something I will always love. Like a trip to sacramento. Or a choral concert. Or a long talk in my lexus. All good things must come to an end. Did it all fly by too fast? Yes. But now it is over and theres nothing else left with me but good memories. And I think thats why i cant be emo. Theres nothing for me to be sad about. Who else can say they achieved so much with such great people by their side? I can proudly say there is nothing about high school I would have changed. 90% of it was purely amazing and the small 10% that was "bad" was actually better cause it turned me into the person I am today. I'm sure most of you carry such sentiments.
I got out at 1:45 on the last day of school but James and I stayed til 4:30/5:00pm talking to Ms. Heck (although it sure didnt feel that long.) We sat on the other side of the room facing her desk so for an hour my view was 30 empty desks and a teacher. And it was then I realized i wasnt a part of the school anymore. I was only in what-used-to-be my TA room visiting. And i talked candidly with my teacher cause, well, she wasnt my teacher anymore.
By the time we left the sun was stronger and the school was empty. Neither of us talked to each other on the way back to the car. We just walked past the debate room, past ms. teverbaugh's room, past the media center, absorbing the desolate campus and taking pictures of what had housed us for 4 years. I dont know how to put what i felt during that walk into words. It was like saying goodbye to something so concrete and stable that I knew would continue on without me.
So this is where I am now. Stuck between the past and the pending. I cant identify with being a high schooler, yet I cant picture myself as a college student. As of yesterday, High School is the past and college still looms in the future. But I am not anchored by any school or building or organization. Right now I am only affiliated with myself. And this new, foreign feeling is that feeling at the bottom of my stomach.
A month of freedom to myself and my companions. Theres so much possibility in the unconstrained.