(no subject)
there has been so much difficulty in my life stemming from my alcohol use. i've been kidding myself again lately, but today i'm going to go back to the clinic and see if i can't get started back into that thing from jan-april.
i put myself into situations that make it easy to just give up on myself in this way and think i am just a destitute drunk (at least one in the making), and that people should generally run a mile. then i think i can't tell people what to do, so i don't, but i'm still...conflicted about people being in my life at all. sometimes i don't feel like i'm ready yet. it seems cleaner to be alone, and really for most purposes i am completely alone at the moment but i have a relationship which is emotionally very close and i don't want to give that up. i've heard from some people that being alone when trying to put this shit together is the best and only way - AA is generally big on this - but at the same time wanting to be with other people in a positive way is one of the reasons i want to do this. i want to build things for myself, but also with other people.
i want so much out of life, but it's far too fleeting. i think it is important to act on as many positive impulses as i have, because in that way i create a self-sustaining process of progress into a life that is more suitable for decent human living. hopefully!
and that starts today, as in, right this dang second, friends.
i put myself into situations that make it easy to just give up on myself in this way and think i am just a destitute drunk (at least one in the making), and that people should generally run a mile. then i think i can't tell people what to do, so i don't, but i'm still...conflicted about people being in my life at all. sometimes i don't feel like i'm ready yet. it seems cleaner to be alone, and really for most purposes i am completely alone at the moment but i have a relationship which is emotionally very close and i don't want to give that up. i've heard from some people that being alone when trying to put this shit together is the best and only way - AA is generally big on this - but at the same time wanting to be with other people in a positive way is one of the reasons i want to do this. i want to build things for myself, but also with other people.
i want so much out of life, but it's far too fleeting. i think it is important to act on as many positive impulses as i have, because in that way i create a self-sustaining process of progress into a life that is more suitable for decent human living. hopefully!
and that starts today, as in, right this dang second, friends.