THERE IS NO FUTURE ... THERE IS NO PAST
Well, I just kinda realized it was December 1 ... I can't believe the year is almost over, and I can't believe I'm leaving so soon. This whole thing has been so sudden, and kind of caught me off guard. I feel like all I'm doing however is battling with myself, and telling myself that this is a good choice, i'm doing the right thing, but everything else is telling me that i'm stupid for leaving, even for Disney.
I feel like my whole life is puzzling lately, and I'm just lost. My emotions are getting in the way everywhere and have now started to ruin friendships. But I'm just stuck, and stuck on one emotion, and i have been for months and months, and i know i need to let go, but i CANT, i would if i could, believe me, but I CANT! And maybe I'll leave this feeling here in MA, but for some reason I think its going to follow me and only get worse. Falling in love is so fucking dangerous, because its so natural, and out of your hands, but then when you need to fall out of love, its suddenly a challenge, but maybe its not so easy because i had been in lust for years and years, and when it finally was real then so quickly over, i wasn’t ready for the end, its almost like waiting in line for hours for a roller coaster which only lasts about 50 seconds, you get off and you only wish it could have lasted as long as you had to wait in that line.
I truly hate timing. I was never one for timing either. I only wish that I could have been a real boyfriend, and that I could have treated you right, and done all the things i only thought about. I wish that i knew what was going on, and that i didnt always feel like i was walking on egg shells with my actions. I wish I could have been sweet, and thoughtful, and creative in expressing my feelings, but the situation was restricting. But those are nothing compared to how much I regret loosing you.
So as I start to pack my life, I cant help but think how full and vibrant many points in my life have been, and how empty it feels right now, and how hard it is to know that no matter what i do i'm going to loose something, or someone. I miss the comfort of friends, and their hugs and smiles, and i miss that feeling of endless possibility, because now i feel my life has distinct start and stop points, and i live on this timeline of knowing where things will end up.
i know looking for a boyfriend at this point is a lost cause, but really, all i want, and all i have ever wanted is someone who will just cuddle with me. warm arms to fall asleep in are worth more than material possession or thoughts of endless possibility. i just want to be able to live in the moment, curl up as friends who are going through the same emotional needs, and feel that bit of security found in an embrace.
I feel like my whole life is puzzling lately, and I'm just lost. My emotions are getting in the way everywhere and have now started to ruin friendships. But I'm just stuck, and stuck on one emotion, and i have been for months and months, and i know i need to let go, but i CANT, i would if i could, believe me, but I CANT! And maybe I'll leave this feeling here in MA, but for some reason I think its going to follow me and only get worse. Falling in love is so fucking dangerous, because its so natural, and out of your hands, but then when you need to fall out of love, its suddenly a challenge, but maybe its not so easy because i had been in lust for years and years, and when it finally was real then so quickly over, i wasn’t ready for the end, its almost like waiting in line for hours for a roller coaster which only lasts about 50 seconds, you get off and you only wish it could have lasted as long as you had to wait in that line.
I truly hate timing. I was never one for timing either. I only wish that I could have been a real boyfriend, and that I could have treated you right, and done all the things i only thought about. I wish that i knew what was going on, and that i didnt always feel like i was walking on egg shells with my actions. I wish I could have been sweet, and thoughtful, and creative in expressing my feelings, but the situation was restricting. But those are nothing compared to how much I regret loosing you.
So as I start to pack my life, I cant help but think how full and vibrant many points in my life have been, and how empty it feels right now, and how hard it is to know that no matter what i do i'm going to loose something, or someone. I miss the comfort of friends, and their hugs and smiles, and i miss that feeling of endless possibility, because now i feel my life has distinct start and stop points, and i live on this timeline of knowing where things will end up.
i know looking for a boyfriend at this point is a lost cause, but really, all i want, and all i have ever wanted is someone who will just cuddle with me. warm arms to fall asleep in are worth more than material possession or thoughts of endless possibility. i just want to be able to live in the moment, curl up as friends who are going through the same emotional needs, and feel that bit of security found in an embrace.