Irrumifestivus Part 2
Tier 3
Let’s start off today with the Tier 3 grievances, again in no particular order:
Stringent NFL touchdown celebration rules.
The word “irregardless!”
Bad bosses! (four people echoed this sentiment)
People who take the drinks I bring to a party.
People who say “warsh.”
The “Delila” song/any Fergie song.
John “Can’t Find My Own House/Pants/Children/etc” Madden
Dr. Meredith Grey survived 6 episodes without a heartbeat and a body temperature of 86 degrees? Wouldn’t the show be so much better if she had just drowned like any normal person?
Ole’ Crusty Haters.
When my landlord failed to replace the doorknob on my front door for one week…after it had fallen off.
The entire sports community in Massachusetts-could there be a cockier bunch of bastards?
The New England Patriots-It’s not a state, it’s not even a city, it’s a friggin’ geographical region!
That fact that Bear Grylls isn’t naked all the time.
Wearing ties with short-sleeve shirts.
Commentary: I agree with the vast majority of these grievances (not that I need to, or you need to, but I’m just saying…), but I think one of them is mistaken: “People who take the drinks I bring to a party.” Okay. I understand that. People have eclectic tastes, and generally you bring something to a party that you want to drink. However, once you bring something to a party, it’s in the public domain. Your drinks are a contribution to the greater pool of drinks. There is a loophole, though, that Trevor knows well: If you want to drink the alcohol you brought to the party, you have to hide it. Spread it throughout the fridge. The vegetable and cheese drawers are excellent locations for beer bottles. Every fridge has clutter-just hide your drink behind other stuff. And if someone finds it, they’ve won your beer.
The Caroline Vault
This is a new weekly column on my blog, similar to “Ole’ Crusty Sez,” except it’s written by Caroline, who is considerably more attractive and better smelling than Ole’ Crusty. The idea behind this is based in my oft-lamented Disney Vault (see my June 27 entry about this). This column will deal with The Caroline Vault, which basically contains all of the things that Caroline should have told me a long time ago-things that would alert me to some strange, abnormal, offensive, or downright feminine behaviors of mine-but that she chose not to tell me because she had a good laugh about them. She’s like the friend who knows that you have a piece of basil stuck between your front teeth, but she doesn’t tell you until it’s much too late. Thanks to this article, Caroline will finally start revealing these things to me (although, truth be told, she has told me about some things already). Without further adieu, I present to you the first edition of The Caroline Vault (and yes, Caroline actually wrote this).
The Caroline Vault #1: Girl Gloves
So awhile back I noticed that the winter gloves Jamey was wearing looked suspiciously familiar. Tight, blue, with tiny rubber grip dots along the fingers and on the palms. The it dawned on me: I owned those gloves-when I was 12. Also, I’m a girl.
Whenever we get in Jamey’s car when the temperature dips below a frigid 60 degrees, Jamey proudly puts on these gloves with a satisfying elastic snap and merrily drives along. After 3 years of letting him do this, I opened the vault and let him know that there’s something amiss about his winter handwear of choice. (Unsurprisingly, he didn’t make that discovery on his own during that time.) This happened a few days ago. We were driving through Forest Park when I turned to him and said, “You do realize that you’re wearing middle school girl’s gloves, right?”
I don’t think the fact that he has this tidbit of knowledge will deter him from wearing the gloves (those of you who know him will agree). So next time you see Jamey outside in the winter, take a look at his hands.
Classic Seinfeld Quotes
Caroline posted a few great Seinfeld quotes around the condo during the Festivus party. I think they’re worth reading:
“But within the basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza…. This is morning mist.” --George Costanza
“These pretzels are making me thirsty!” --Kramer
Tobacco Executive: “I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.” [Re: Kramer’s excessive smoking.]
Jackie Chiles: “Rugged? The man’s a goblin! He’s only been exposed to smoke for 4 days. By the time this case goes to trial, he’ll be nothing more than a shrunken head.”
Kramer: “Is there a tree?”
Frank: “No, a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.”
Kramer: “Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.”
Serious Topic: Christmas Commercialization
The last post, the one regarding Festivus, scratches me where I itch too. In a recent comment to my blog, Bob (chistl) pointed out that I rarely address “serious” issues on my blog. It’s true. I like to keep it light here. But I’ll try to work one serious issue into my blog every week, just to see how it goes.
Every year, I get a little more disgusted with Christmas commercialism. And yes, I mean Christmas, not Hanukkah or Kwanza or “holiday.” That’s not a holiday tree sitting in your living room. Let’s call this what it is.
I’m Catholic, so I celebrate the birth of Christ once a year. I really truly think that millions and millions of Christians have forgotten that’s why we celebrate Christmas. And whether or not you’re Christian, you’ve got to acknowledge that Christ’s birth (even if you don’t believe in Him, or think He was just a prophet) is the reason Christians traditionally celebrate Christmas on December 25.
Now, I’m not taking a holier-than-thou stance. I enjoy the “holiday season” feel of wreathes and snowflakes and evergreens just as much as anyone else. I enjoy the gift giving and receiving, during which I fully acknowledge that I’m not thinking about Christ-I’m thinking about whether or not I have any pants to match the socks I just got. I think that Jesus would actually enjoy that people all around the world spend Dec. 25 giving gifts to one another.
What irks me, though, are the companies that profit from the Christmas season and the people that buy into it. It’s hard to realize if you’ve bought into it or not. Walk through your home right now. I bet you’ll find some ornaments, maybe some evergreenery, perhaps a porcelain Santa Claus figurine. It feels right to have these things in our homes during this time of year. But walk through a holiday store and try to tell me that your stomach doesn’t turn when instead of seeing one Santa Claus figurine on the shelf, you see thousands. And this isn’t just at the holiday stores. It’s at any store this time of year. These stores aren’t promoting the birth of Christ or the spirit of giving-they’re promoting their own profit margins.
I understand people’s desire to live in a Christmastime world. But that world can exist without us spending money to dress it up.
Tomorrow:
Tier 2
The Lunch Thief
Bookflix
The Other Irruminations
And remember, just two more days to make your guesses about the peanuts!