Discarded again
I seem to be the friend people get rid of.
This is the second time a friend has stabbed me in the back, blamed me for something foolish and told me they never want to speak to me again. Why is that? What makes me such a crappy friend?
Well I'm not. I do the best I can for these people - both have been mentally ill and looking for a mark. I guess the conclusion I've drawn is that I'm not a bad friend, i'm just a weak person they know they can shatter. Or something. Either way this is the second time it has happened despite my best efforts to the contrary.
I was divorced from said friend today after she told me she was still pissed about something that happened three months ago that I apologized for that she forgave me for. She said we were cool, and another friend and I continued sending her notes and inviting her out places like normal... to which she turned down then completely ignored. Then I send her a note last night saying I was thinking about her and wondered if she was doing okay and she replied with first her confession and then complete and utter rejection. I think I saw the middle finger through the screen, there was so much anger there. Unfounded anger, thank you very much, but anger none the less.
I can't take it personally, it's her illness that's talking not her. She's picked me out to villanize and that's just the facts. What hurts me most is that I was treated unfairly when I tried to be a good friend. Maybe I wasn't the best at it... I don't know all the answers even though sometimes I act like I do... but I tried and it wasn't enough. I was still the worst person ever.
When my old roommate did this to me before it cut me really deep. I'm trying hard not to let this time cut me too. It helps that it wasn't in person, I think but I'm still harmed by it, which is what I know this friend wanted. She wanted to hurt me as bad as I "hurt" her for that thing I did on accident three months ago.
Anyway, I hoped this journal entry was going to be good therapy for me. I don't want to let her win, I want to be stronger than she thinks I am, even though she'll never see it, but it's no use. She's filled my heart with doubts and confusion and made me a little more crippled than I was this morning.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'll just sit around and wait for that to happen I guess.
This is the second time a friend has stabbed me in the back, blamed me for something foolish and told me they never want to speak to me again. Why is that? What makes me such a crappy friend?
Well I'm not. I do the best I can for these people - both have been mentally ill and looking for a mark. I guess the conclusion I've drawn is that I'm not a bad friend, i'm just a weak person they know they can shatter. Or something. Either way this is the second time it has happened despite my best efforts to the contrary.
I was divorced from said friend today after she told me she was still pissed about something that happened three months ago that I apologized for that she forgave me for. She said we were cool, and another friend and I continued sending her notes and inviting her out places like normal... to which she turned down then completely ignored. Then I send her a note last night saying I was thinking about her and wondered if she was doing okay and she replied with first her confession and then complete and utter rejection. I think I saw the middle finger through the screen, there was so much anger there. Unfounded anger, thank you very much, but anger none the less.
I can't take it personally, it's her illness that's talking not her. She's picked me out to villanize and that's just the facts. What hurts me most is that I was treated unfairly when I tried to be a good friend. Maybe I wasn't the best at it... I don't know all the answers even though sometimes I act like I do... but I tried and it wasn't enough. I was still the worst person ever.
When my old roommate did this to me before it cut me really deep. I'm trying hard not to let this time cut me too. It helps that it wasn't in person, I think but I'm still harmed by it, which is what I know this friend wanted. She wanted to hurt me as bad as I "hurt" her for that thing I did on accident three months ago.
Anyway, I hoped this journal entry was going to be good therapy for me. I don't want to let her win, I want to be stronger than she thinks I am, even though she'll never see it, but it's no use. She's filled my heart with doubts and confusion and made me a little more crippled than I was this morning.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'll just sit around and wait for that to happen I guess.