One year
Has it really been that long? It really only seems like last week that I was typing here because I wanted to say something without anyone saying something back. To have words I could reflect on later, but not deal with at the time.
The past 365 days have been difficult at times. At first, it seemed to be a pattern of 2s - hours, days, weeks and months. Each grouping left an indelible impression on my mind. I recall the first 2 hours like they were my last 2 hours. Not just the events and actions, but the emotions, the thoughts.
I've tried to remain conscious of how my life has changed in the past year - how I have changed. There are outwardly perceptible differences of which I am keenly aware in the way things affect me to the way I view others. Some are more identifiable to me, such as a greater sensitivity to shows or movies that deal with death, especially of a parent. Whether a movie that hit a little too close to home (The Namesake) or a specific storyline on Grey's Anatomy, things that never made me think twice beyond the here and now, touch a part of me that will probably never heal. More practically, I still can't read the emails and messages that people sent last year. At the same time, I like to think that I am more grateful for the many good fortune that I do have and I am very, very aware of how fragile its existence is.
In some ways, I think that I have resisted further life change because it would mean starting something new that she would not be a part of in some way. As much as I intrinsically resist this, I know great change will not wait much longer, whether it be simply by moving to a new location, getting married or having kids. I used to be very excited at the prospect of getting married someday. And while I am still looking forward to being married and becoming a father at some point, the path to these is one filled with ambivalence. I'd just as soon have a JoP ceremony with nobody there. If everyone else is there, then I will only be concerned that she's not. Somehow, the idea of not having any friends or family present will make it seem like a legal proceeding - nothing to worry about missing.
I am more acutely aware of my mom's influence on me than ever. I can still hear her voice on the phone and have not brought myself to erase her address entry. It's there when I scroll and once it was there when someone called from her house recently. My father tried to contact me via the local government a few months ago. Sure, you can walk out on her when she has 2 young kids, but then 3 months after she dies, you try to reconnect. The only way you could have ever had a relationship with me was if she had forgiven you first. You waited too late, so fuck you.
That's the other thing - I've noticed that I have little patience for anyone who has done my mom wrong in life or in death. I'm sure that the overprotectiveness is the development of the pangs of guilt in not preventing an entirely preventable occurrence, but I equally unsure whether that is a bad thing. My grandmother and I have spoken once since the weekend of the funeral, a stilted conversation on my end and one where she acted as if we had just spoken a week before. On one hand, I just don't have any desire to resume the relationship for the way she treated my mom, but I also feel more alone than ever in ways that have nothing to do with my grandmother. I still have SV, who at times I feel is not just the best thing in my life, but the only thing. And my friends are great, although I see them with decreased frequency (the past 12 months have actually been better for meeting old friends than the previous 2-3 years, though). But my sister and I have moved a bit apart. We are still friends with a strong bond, but we are different people and the weekly calls to pacify my grandmother have put is at arm's length from one another. She got engaged, moved to another city, then had the engagement end. It's been difficult for her too, but she has seemingly dealt with it the inverse manner, but changing so much in her life. Perhaps they are unrelated.
I don't know. But I did fulfill my mom's last request by eating some peanut soup in Alexandria she saw on a tv feature 6-weeks before she passed. I know she would have liked that, and liked knowing that it was good peanut soup. And I am still working on the promise I made to her to be a better husband for SV than she had and to be the father she wishes I had. In so many ways, I consciously stop and think of how she would want me to do something and that refocuses me. Her memories are still vivid in my mind and heart. The better I can do tomorrow, the better it makes her look. I still have a lot of improvement to go.
I took the day off from work today. It's been nearly 2 years since I have had a weekday off at home alone. I didn't know what to do or how to do it. I tried to go to church, but the service started an hour earlier than I had anticipated (who goes at 7 a.m.?), but did not want to sit at home all day watching tv or reading. My mom really liked Italian food. Last Christmas, SV bought me a really nice Italian cookbook that has been gathering dust. Today, I went out and bought ingredients for a 3-course dinner. It might blow up and be followed by a taco bell run. But I intend to make something she would have enjoyed and if it doesn't work, would have made her laugh. :) I also bought a nice pictureframe for the last picture taken of the two of us at my grad school graduation. I also bought a candle and candleholder that will last for 85 hours. I think I will burn it for 2-3 hours every Oct. 15 and on her birthday. I think she'd like that.
Time to go light the candle and try not to burn down the apartment before I move.
-----
Dear Mom,
I will always love you and never forget you.
Love,
Jamie
The past 365 days have been difficult at times. At first, it seemed to be a pattern of 2s - hours, days, weeks and months. Each grouping left an indelible impression on my mind. I recall the first 2 hours like they were my last 2 hours. Not just the events and actions, but the emotions, the thoughts.
I've tried to remain conscious of how my life has changed in the past year - how I have changed. There are outwardly perceptible differences of which I am keenly aware in the way things affect me to the way I view others. Some are more identifiable to me, such as a greater sensitivity to shows or movies that deal with death, especially of a parent. Whether a movie that hit a little too close to home (The Namesake) or a specific storyline on Grey's Anatomy, things that never made me think twice beyond the here and now, touch a part of me that will probably never heal. More practically, I still can't read the emails and messages that people sent last year. At the same time, I like to think that I am more grateful for the many good fortune that I do have and I am very, very aware of how fragile its existence is.
In some ways, I think that I have resisted further life change because it would mean starting something new that she would not be a part of in some way. As much as I intrinsically resist this, I know great change will not wait much longer, whether it be simply by moving to a new location, getting married or having kids. I used to be very excited at the prospect of getting married someday. And while I am still looking forward to being married and becoming a father at some point, the path to these is one filled with ambivalence. I'd just as soon have a JoP ceremony with nobody there. If everyone else is there, then I will only be concerned that she's not. Somehow, the idea of not having any friends or family present will make it seem like a legal proceeding - nothing to worry about missing.
I am more acutely aware of my mom's influence on me than ever. I can still hear her voice on the phone and have not brought myself to erase her address entry. It's there when I scroll and once it was there when someone called from her house recently. My father tried to contact me via the local government a few months ago. Sure, you can walk out on her when she has 2 young kids, but then 3 months after she dies, you try to reconnect. The only way you could have ever had a relationship with me was if she had forgiven you first. You waited too late, so fuck you.
That's the other thing - I've noticed that I have little patience for anyone who has done my mom wrong in life or in death. I'm sure that the overprotectiveness is the development of the pangs of guilt in not preventing an entirely preventable occurrence, but I equally unsure whether that is a bad thing. My grandmother and I have spoken once since the weekend of the funeral, a stilted conversation on my end and one where she acted as if we had just spoken a week before. On one hand, I just don't have any desire to resume the relationship for the way she treated my mom, but I also feel more alone than ever in ways that have nothing to do with my grandmother. I still have SV, who at times I feel is not just the best thing in my life, but the only thing. And my friends are great, although I see them with decreased frequency (the past 12 months have actually been better for meeting old friends than the previous 2-3 years, though). But my sister and I have moved a bit apart. We are still friends with a strong bond, but we are different people and the weekly calls to pacify my grandmother have put is at arm's length from one another. She got engaged, moved to another city, then had the engagement end. It's been difficult for her too, but she has seemingly dealt with it the inverse manner, but changing so much in her life. Perhaps they are unrelated.
I don't know. But I did fulfill my mom's last request by eating some peanut soup in Alexandria she saw on a tv feature 6-weeks before she passed. I know she would have liked that, and liked knowing that it was good peanut soup. And I am still working on the promise I made to her to be a better husband for SV than she had and to be the father she wishes I had. In so many ways, I consciously stop and think of how she would want me to do something and that refocuses me. Her memories are still vivid in my mind and heart. The better I can do tomorrow, the better it makes her look. I still have a lot of improvement to go.
I took the day off from work today. It's been nearly 2 years since I have had a weekday off at home alone. I didn't know what to do or how to do it. I tried to go to church, but the service started an hour earlier than I had anticipated (who goes at 7 a.m.?), but did not want to sit at home all day watching tv or reading. My mom really liked Italian food. Last Christmas, SV bought me a really nice Italian cookbook that has been gathering dust. Today, I went out and bought ingredients for a 3-course dinner. It might blow up and be followed by a taco bell run. But I intend to make something she would have enjoyed and if it doesn't work, would have made her laugh. :) I also bought a nice pictureframe for the last picture taken of the two of us at my grad school graduation. I also bought a candle and candleholder that will last for 85 hours. I think I will burn it for 2-3 hours every Oct. 15 and on her birthday. I think she'd like that.
Time to go light the candle and try not to burn down the apartment before I move.
-----
Dear Mom,
I will always love you and never forget you.
Love,
Jamie