Damnit!
Why do i read it? do i think its gonna say something different the next time i read it?
Its just hard. When im with you im just so happy to be around you.Maybe i misconstrue things that are just good friendship as, well, something more. which is what i wish for.
Thats wat the most overjoying part was, i never thought it would happen and i had given up on it. i was done with it. i had tucked all those feelings away. Little did i know that i would be able to bring them back so easily. But you've always been the one thats gotten to me. I feel some comfort in knowing we are always going to be close regardless of what happens. Maybe it will be one of those things where there is always something there. I dont want it to be the in between place though. I hate that place. i just wish i knew what u were feeling.
I dont ask for answers because im insecure, i ask for them because i want the truth and i want validation. if the answers is gonna be one that hurts me im willing to deal with that fact, the problem is not knowing the answer. Listening to the solutions in my head, which for me is usually bad to do since its most times the complete opposite from the real thing. This is why i would ask, i just dont like being left wondering. and yes im perfectly aware that i seemed insane.
One of the worst parts was, around u i used to feel like i almost had this shining bright light coming out of me, and in that time the fact that i felt like someone else had stolen this light and now u saw it coming form them, and mine had diminished. I almost felt replaced by this person. People have told me how paranoid this sounds but i had this issue with that person at earlier times too. Perhaps its the simliarities that i had seen in us. Or maybe it was that this person really was amazing and fun and everything,and i had just kidded myself into thinking i was something special at all.
I almost feel angry at the fact that other people got to experience ur greatness in full force, while i only gota spark of it. It almost feels like it was dangled in front of me and taken away. Which im sure was not the intention.
Someone once told me "You remind me of myself, because u become everyones best friend before they have a chance to see u as anythin else". Well maybe that is true. someone else said to me maybe i let out too much about myself to people, that its good to keep some mystery about urself to keep them guessing. I guess i like wearinh my heart on my sleeve, and i wanna be known for being the real me. Not me trying to be someone all mysterious and dark, well im not. Im loud and crazy and say stupid stuff alot of the time. and it wont change. and i think thats a good thing that i dont want to.
Im almost sick of people telling me that im so great so wonderful. But i shouldnt say that cause at the same time its such a wonderful thing to hear wen u start to believe otherwise.But u..u telling me im the most amazing person uve met. did NOT make the situation easier at all, on the contrary, it made it harder.
My point is, i dont know wats gonna happen, and i know im gonan end up prolly going crazy wondering, and like alot of times. Ill be wrong....But taking chances its what its all about.Though im not gonna expect anything. and id be very embarrassed if u ever actually read this, which im pretty sure u wont,But i almost wish u could see it.
But its better that u dont, so who was i writing this to anyway?
Those who read this whole thing, u are very devoted!
I love you all. xoxo
Its just hard. When im with you im just so happy to be around you.Maybe i misconstrue things that are just good friendship as, well, something more. which is what i wish for.
Thats wat the most overjoying part was, i never thought it would happen and i had given up on it. i was done with it. i had tucked all those feelings away. Little did i know that i would be able to bring them back so easily. But you've always been the one thats gotten to me. I feel some comfort in knowing we are always going to be close regardless of what happens. Maybe it will be one of those things where there is always something there. I dont want it to be the in between place though. I hate that place. i just wish i knew what u were feeling.
I dont ask for answers because im insecure, i ask for them because i want the truth and i want validation. if the answers is gonna be one that hurts me im willing to deal with that fact, the problem is not knowing the answer. Listening to the solutions in my head, which for me is usually bad to do since its most times the complete opposite from the real thing. This is why i would ask, i just dont like being left wondering. and yes im perfectly aware that i seemed insane.
One of the worst parts was, around u i used to feel like i almost had this shining bright light coming out of me, and in that time the fact that i felt like someone else had stolen this light and now u saw it coming form them, and mine had diminished. I almost felt replaced by this person. People have told me how paranoid this sounds but i had this issue with that person at earlier times too. Perhaps its the simliarities that i had seen in us. Or maybe it was that this person really was amazing and fun and everything,and i had just kidded myself into thinking i was something special at all.
I almost feel angry at the fact that other people got to experience ur greatness in full force, while i only gota spark of it. It almost feels like it was dangled in front of me and taken away. Which im sure was not the intention.
Someone once told me "You remind me of myself, because u become everyones best friend before they have a chance to see u as anythin else". Well maybe that is true. someone else said to me maybe i let out too much about myself to people, that its good to keep some mystery about urself to keep them guessing. I guess i like wearinh my heart on my sleeve, and i wanna be known for being the real me. Not me trying to be someone all mysterious and dark, well im not. Im loud and crazy and say stupid stuff alot of the time. and it wont change. and i think thats a good thing that i dont want to.
Im almost sick of people telling me that im so great so wonderful. But i shouldnt say that cause at the same time its such a wonderful thing to hear wen u start to believe otherwise.But u..u telling me im the most amazing person uve met. did NOT make the situation easier at all, on the contrary, it made it harder.
My point is, i dont know wats gonna happen, and i know im gonan end up prolly going crazy wondering, and like alot of times. Ill be wrong....But taking chances its what its all about.Though im not gonna expect anything. and id be very embarrassed if u ever actually read this, which im pretty sure u wont,But i almost wish u could see it.
But its better that u dont, so who was i writing this to anyway?
Those who read this whole thing, u are very devoted!
I love you all. xoxo