Viola.
I've had writers block for a while now. I know its still there, so this isnt my "Viola, its gone, look at my splendor" post.
Feels like I used to take notes at length about life. The world around me was just in my perophreal, and authough I absorbed it, it didnt sink in. I created little packets of information and emotion to feel when the time was right. A person could be talking to me about the state of the health of their mother, and I would nod and stare in to their eyes, looking as though listening. But in reality, each new fact was acknowledged with a nod, a check point on my internal list, and my vaccuum would come and hermetically seal that packet of information for my viewing and digestion at a later date.
Why I regale this ?
I havent been doing this lately. I have saved nothing for later. No snack, no morsel to digest slowly, savoring the sentance structure and the message meant for me by that conversation, sighting of cyldesdale horse, ladybug landing on my shoulder, bird perched atop a wire, lonely travel of a spent pinecone dropped to the ground by a squirrel. I have been living in the moment.
Yes. It often takes a rude awakening to remind me of life. The details I work out fine on autopilot. Bills, School, loans, health check ups. Adult type chores. Everything else, i cataloge.
I have missed the last few issues.
On the way home tonight, there was a thunderstorm available for my sightseing pleasure at the horizon in front of me. The rain was hundreds of miles away. All i saw was the lightning, making sharp images in the sky, lighting up the city vapours there in colors of pink, purple, blue. I wanted to come home and take a blanket to the lake embankment like I do for the sunset. To watch that lightshow by nature and fall asleep with the sky my blanket.
I tried and tried to talk myself in to it. But I was scared.
I have that fear again, and I know exactly why.
Feels like I used to take notes at length about life. The world around me was just in my perophreal, and authough I absorbed it, it didnt sink in. I created little packets of information and emotion to feel when the time was right. A person could be talking to me about the state of the health of their mother, and I would nod and stare in to their eyes, looking as though listening. But in reality, each new fact was acknowledged with a nod, a check point on my internal list, and my vaccuum would come and hermetically seal that packet of information for my viewing and digestion at a later date.
Why I regale this ?
I havent been doing this lately. I have saved nothing for later. No snack, no morsel to digest slowly, savoring the sentance structure and the message meant for me by that conversation, sighting of cyldesdale horse, ladybug landing on my shoulder, bird perched atop a wire, lonely travel of a spent pinecone dropped to the ground by a squirrel. I have been living in the moment.
Yes. It often takes a rude awakening to remind me of life. The details I work out fine on autopilot. Bills, School, loans, health check ups. Adult type chores. Everything else, i cataloge.
I have missed the last few issues.
On the way home tonight, there was a thunderstorm available for my sightseing pleasure at the horizon in front of me. The rain was hundreds of miles away. All i saw was the lightning, making sharp images in the sky, lighting up the city vapours there in colors of pink, purple, blue. I wanted to come home and take a blanket to the lake embankment like I do for the sunset. To watch that lightshow by nature and fall asleep with the sky my blanket.
I tried and tried to talk myself in to it. But I was scared.
I have that fear again, and I know exactly why.