In the Depths of Depression
I want to hide away from the world. Ive turned the guest bedroom into my cave while I work through this depressive episode. I had a good night sleep, and woke up feeling pretty stable. But watching Jack at ABA, I found myself feeling frustrated and increasingly depressed. I know hes feeling scattered because hes in tune with my emotions. He knows somethings not right with Mommy, and he doesnt understand. I wish he could understand, to know its not his fault. I feel so paralyzed right now. I want to be there for him, I give him every ounce of energy I have, but then I have to run away and hide. Damned depression. I cant blame myself, its not my fault. Nobody else is blaming me for taking the time to take care of myself, so why do I think its okay for me to do it? Its because I want better for myself, its because of those damned unrealistically high expectations. But I need to cut myself a break. What good am I doing for beating myself up about my high expectations? Its comedic, when I look at it from that way. Sigh. Its just where Im at right now, and it is okay. It isnt always going to be like this, I will feel consistent joy again. For now, its time to rest and be at peace with where Im at.