regret
alas, once again ive made an ass of myself at jerry's party, from yellin at this guy telling him his girlfriend was a whore. to arguing with ellen and her slapping me in the face. and then taking me in the bathroom where she cried about how in her last relationship she really did get her ass beat daily by that mother fucker. she even said she just saw him recently and he shoved her up against the wall really hard yelling in her face.
i felt bad about telling juda his girl is a whore but it is kinda tru and when i get drunk i find when i get kinda bored i just say some fucked up shit to people in order to get a reaction. he just kept saying "shes a hussy" and i was like, "she hit on my man three times", i said that like five times. god i feel like a total cunt. plus ive only really chilled wit her a few times and she always acted like she didnt want to talk to me. and she pretty much did make it a point to hit on eric in some way. but i still feel bad and dont want to get any drama started cuz that is one of jerry's good friends. so i found juda on myspace, and sent him a message apologizing if i offended him in anyway. which, made me feel a little better but not really. and eric is no help really in makeing me feel better, actually he makes me feel worse about some things.
now, i dont want to start going on about how i hate myself and shit. because im trying to be done with that shit. im tired of always wanting to be sad. always wanting to be afraid. its like i really do find somesort of comfort in being sad and down on myself. im tired of self pity and just being a scared of everything. like all day before we went it was like i had this feeling in the bottom of my tummy that something bad would happen or i would fuck up in someway. now i am kinda worried that he told her what i said and next time i run into her she is going to be up in my face or some shit and i eont what to have to handle that shit. or maybe she'll even piss me off enough to make me want to attack her right there in jerry's house. i just dont wanna deal with that shit. i guess i am kinda afriad or something. i havent been in any type of fight in a long ass time. im a big pussy really.
and then the whole thing with ellen was fucking horrible. i just think, it really isnt a good idea to be fucking around at jerry's as much. eric really didnt want to go i had to fight him to go overthere with me. i just get all fucked up and say dumb shit and make an ass out of myself the whole fucking time. i hate going to parties, im so fucked up when it comes to social events, it seems something always goes wrong, and im left feeling like total shit about it for a long time afterwards.
i felt bad about telling juda his girl is a whore but it is kinda tru and when i get drunk i find when i get kinda bored i just say some fucked up shit to people in order to get a reaction. he just kept saying "shes a hussy" and i was like, "she hit on my man three times", i said that like five times. god i feel like a total cunt. plus ive only really chilled wit her a few times and she always acted like she didnt want to talk to me. and she pretty much did make it a point to hit on eric in some way. but i still feel bad and dont want to get any drama started cuz that is one of jerry's good friends. so i found juda on myspace, and sent him a message apologizing if i offended him in anyway. which, made me feel a little better but not really. and eric is no help really in makeing me feel better, actually he makes me feel worse about some things.
now, i dont want to start going on about how i hate myself and shit. because im trying to be done with that shit. im tired of always wanting to be sad. always wanting to be afraid. its like i really do find somesort of comfort in being sad and down on myself. im tired of self pity and just being a scared of everything. like all day before we went it was like i had this feeling in the bottom of my tummy that something bad would happen or i would fuck up in someway. now i am kinda worried that he told her what i said and next time i run into her she is going to be up in my face or some shit and i eont what to have to handle that shit. or maybe she'll even piss me off enough to make me want to attack her right there in jerry's house. i just dont wanna deal with that shit. i guess i am kinda afriad or something. i havent been in any type of fight in a long ass time. im a big pussy really.
and then the whole thing with ellen was fucking horrible. i just think, it really isnt a good idea to be fucking around at jerry's as much. eric really didnt want to go i had to fight him to go overthere with me. i just get all fucked up and say dumb shit and make an ass out of myself the whole fucking time. i hate going to parties, im so fucked up when it comes to social events, it seems something always goes wrong, and im left feeling like total shit about it for a long time afterwards.