My dog's licking my leg, does that mean she likes me?
Ugh, today was... awkward.
Again, woke up at 4:30, went to work for a good 7 hours. It was nice, until I decided to be a moron (didn't take too long this morning). At the Y, we have the option of giving our memebrs a free 'fitness evaluation,' we have a few personal trainers that take the test, etc etc.... So I decided that this morning I should try it, and see where I am. Overall, I didn't get any surprises. Cardio test- exellent, bench test- very good, step test- exelent, blood pressure- exellent, heart recovery rate- exellent. Hell, I set a new record for doing the most sit ups within a minute. I wasn't really surprised. Only subject I received a "poor" in was flexibility, no brainer there. What concerned me the most was the set of numbers I received at the end of my test, this was in the BMI (body fat percentage) test. I had received a marking that I was not pleased with. Now, I'm not going to rant and rave about what I received, or even say what my fat percentage was, but I was concerned, and I continued to be a moron and worry about it. The trainer that gave me the evaluation was incredibly confused, maybe she didn't distinguish the difference between muscle and fat, maybe she was an idiot, maybe following just by the numbers is a bad idea, or maybe, maybe its just because of me. No, I'm not wallowing. I'm done with that whole thing by now. I'm just concerned, that's all.
Right after work, I decided to do something about it. In my blind fury and aggravation (because, lets face it, I work out 6 days a week, and weightlift 3 days), I decided to stop by a certain weight loss centre. I won't say what name, or what I exactly did, but nevertheless, I felt horrible. Physically, there's no way I can work out any harder than I'm doing. For example, yesterday I took my usual 60 minute spinning class, the day before I was on the eliptical for 70 minutes, hills non stop. The trainer was shocked when I told her how i've been working out, maybe i'm over-working it? Doubtful.
Well, if its not the working out, it has to be eating habits. Yet in all honesty, I haven't been eating much. Since I returned from camp (including the breakup with Matt), I barely get in the required calorie intake my body can handle. I'm not hungry though, and this is what I'm confused with. I *do* have a sporatic eating schedule (which could contribute 5% to this problem), but that's mostly because of my work schedule; get up at 4:30, have a coffee, get home, eat an apple, go to bed, etc etc. I *may* be starving mysef (again, doubtful), but in all honesty, I don't eat that much anymore.
OK. So what is it exactly? What is it that's screwing me over? Its not exercise, and its not food. Maybe Matt's suggestion was a good one, maybe I *should* chop my leg off, that'll take down the few pounds needed. Then I couldn't run, sooo... bad idea. It could be just numbers, which is what my dad yelled at me about.
"Don't believe in those numbers, yadda yadda, its a load of crap, if mom finds out she'll freak, etc etc"
Went on for a good 45 minutes. Oy.
So what is it exactly? Why am I not looking the way I want to? Why can't I look like everyone else? Maybe I'm starting to become un-healthy with my eating habits, but its my body anyway.
Again, I'm unable to hang out with my Tucson friends. Nothing new. They always like to make sure I can't go. I should just stop trying to get together with them, I know how to spot a real friend, not a phony. I have a sparse crew of them here in Tucson, again, not surprised. I miss the SAWs, they were always there for me. Still are too, I just wish I could take all 14 of them to Oregon with me. Friends like them can never be replaced.
Sorry for the angry post, I promise you there will be brighter ones awfully soon. I'm sure of it.
Feeling Un-Fit and Un-Loved,
- Me