i just want it to stop
me and Becca talked about some things a few hours ago that i dread. We talked about secrets, and;even though i've been suspecting it for a long time; i now know for a fact that she is way too pure. I mean, she is doing things by innocence, not really knowing what they mean, and i've been taking them the wrong way. i knew that if i told her my secrets, our little fantasy world would come crashing down and it did. I'm positive that she is way too clean for me, i live in a world of moral filth. i told her about how i wanted to help and support Lizzie, and that whenever i do, i feel like i'm betraying and neglecting her. She said "oh, well i'm just in the way then" and i knew that all my fears were realized. she said she's going to pray to God about this, but i'm pretty sure i know what'll happen. we may break up, but then i would only feel more guilty, cause i made more people suffer. I wouldn't want anyones company, the normal pleasures of life would fade away. i'm afraid that if Becca hears God telling her to make the difficult choice, then i'm going to lose her for something i wont let myself have. i want to support Lizzie, but i want to be with Becca, and it looks like those two things are going to collide and only one of them is going to happen. i just feel useless, and i want to just push everything and everyone away, but that would only make me feel more guilty and thus even worse.
well thats the real me. i know i put up a happy front but i'm just hiding my true emotions, because my real self doesnt help anyone. I learned how to not show emotion from my dad, which is the only thing he has ever taught/given me(even though it was unintentional, he taught by example).
i'm seriously thinking about killing my self, but i know that would only cause more pain for eveyone around me.,that thought and my favorite church song(sanctuary) are really the only things keeping me alive right now, which isnt enough to keep me happy, just enough to keep me painfully alive.
well thats the real me. i know i put up a happy front but i'm just hiding my true emotions, because my real self doesnt help anyone. I learned how to not show emotion from my dad, which is the only thing he has ever taught/given me(even though it was unintentional, he taught by example).
i'm seriously thinking about killing my self, but i know that would only cause more pain for eveyone around me.,that thought and my favorite church song(sanctuary) are really the only things keeping me alive right now, which isnt enough to keep me happy, just enough to keep me painfully alive.