I'm back!!
Alrighty... I started a new journal because apparently you can't erase more than one entry at a time, and I want a fresh start. I'm just going to use this to vent about my life, as one might expect. Here's the disclaimer I shouldn't have to post but will anyway: this is my journal, my space to say whatever I want about whatever I want, whenever I want. If you have a problem with anything I write here, take it elsewhere... complain about it in your own journal, but don't tell me about it. Thank you.
Moving on.. I decided to start this thingy up again for a few reasons. One, people have complained. Two, a lot has been going on lately, and I'd rather vent on here than to my poor friends anymore and make them hate me as well. Three, something strange happened today, and I feel like writing about it. Here goes... I'm just going to bullet the important things, I suppose.
-- Last Monday, my suitemates (I'm convinced there was only really one doing this) told me that they don't want to live with me next semester because I want Dawn to be my roommmate instead of further putting myself through the hell of living with Chrissy anymore. They decided they'd rather live with chrissy and a random person than me and Dawn. If I decided to stay in the room I'm in now, I was told, they'd all move out. I was pretty upset about this at first, but I've since gotten over it. My mom put it like this: "Most people end up being friends with their college friends for life. These people are who you'll end up making the godparents of your children and having in your wedding. The people you'e lived with so far aren't people you want for any of this. They're not good for you, they make you miserable, and giving them more chances isn't going to do anything but let you down again." And she's right. These people aren't for me. Their main concern isn't school work, it's partying and drinking and finding out who they'll be sleeping with tonight. While this is all good and dandy, I'm here for my education. I'm here to prepare myself for my future. If I need to go out and get drunk, I'll do it, but it's not my life. I'm not here to be awaken by drunks every single night and cleaning up after a bunch of slobs all the time. It's time to say goodbye.
-- Last Wednesday, Dawn and I applied for High Mountain West, the new academically centered dorms on campus. We were accepted on Thursday, and I finalized my placement today. The new dorms are set up really amazingly, with three pods each consisting of 4-5 suites (2 people in a room, 2 rooms connected by a bathroom) placed in an exaggerated semi-circle around a lounge. There is also a community lounge as well. The rooms are said to be bigger, and not all shaped in the same way, like all of the dorms now. Depending on which room, the area is the same, but the wall lengths will vary. The bathroom is also larger in the new dorms as well. The new building has colorfully painted walls which I think is really nice, and new everything, which makes me really excited. We don't know who we'll be suiting with, but Dawn and I thought it was time to make new friends, time to get away from the shittiness that has been life lately and look forward to the future. I'm actually really exicted about this.
-- There are only a few weeks left of school, which is really awesome. I'm psyched for summer to get here and for me to get out of this place. No one in the suite has spoken to me since Monday when they told me they didn't want to live with me, and Chrissy and I haven't spoken in almost a month because of a reason unknown to me. Chrissy also hasn't lived here in about 3 weeks. She's been commuting from home daily, which is really funny and amusing. Apparently I'm really intimidating and make people stop dorming on campus and commute. Score one for me.
-- This weekend, I'm most likely going to be making a trip to the wondeful Penn State to visit the lovely Christina Bennis and listen to some wondeful free music and perhaps have a visit with Christina's new favorite band... haha. you wish, girl.
-- On to what I wanted to write about. As people may or may not know, I was semi-involved with this guy for parts of senior year of high school, but mostly the summer prior to college. That summer we spent almost every night together doing a variety of things from watching movies, bowling, driving to the shore for the day, going out to fancy dinners, driving aimlessly, getting drunk together, and just hanging out. I was incredibly dedicated to this guy.. sometimes cancelling plans with my true friends to be with him (sorry about that, guys). The strange thing is, nothing ever happened between us. There was definitely chemistry, and he'd often joke about something happening between us, but he never made the move. Not so much as a kiss, even though we'd sleep together whenever we were to drunk to go home or just didn't feel like going home, and we always went out with his engaged friends - just them, him and me, and he'd always pay like we were together. He was my life that summer, and for the most part, I was his, but I don't think it was in the same way. I gave him everything I had to offer, and I don't think he did the same in return. He found out that he was sick during this summer, and we'd take trips to Barnes and Noble so I could look up his condition, his new meds, anything to help. I was pathetic with this guy. A few days before he left for college (he went about a week before me), I had my wisdom teeth removed. He came to visit me that day and was actually really really affectionate (i'm smiling now just thinking about it... how pathetic). The next day, though, was his last in town and he wanted to hang out, but his car was in the shop. I didn't take any painkillers that day so I could drive to his house and be with him on his last night - and I did, chipmunk cheecks and all, on the worst day of pain I'd had in a while. His transition into college was hard. He didn't find it particularly easy to just up and make new friends. He called me at least 3 times a day during his first week. We kept in touch really well for the first few months of college, and hung out over thanksgiving break (getting drunk as usual) with his friends. Soon after all this,though, he stopped calling, stopped making time for me. He eventually got a girlfriend and stopped talking to me altogether. After they broke up, he called again, and wanted to talk and start being friends again. Okay, I thought, and gave him a second chance. Before I knew it, he got another girlfriend. Throughout all this, I'd get the occasional drunken phone call, or sometimes be the one making the drunken phone call. This was our communication system. We stopped hanging out when we were both home, never seeing eachother over winter, summer, or spring breaks. Occasionally we'd run into eachother and try not to seem awkward. He called me on this past October 10th because my away message said I'd be home for the weekend, and he was home to. I told him I couldn't hang out because I was only home to be with my grandmother when she passed away. I got a simple okay, talk to you later. He didn't bother to send his condolences or show up to the funeral, nothing. A few weeks later, when Gabby's mom died, I called him to let him know and he called once or twice to see how I was doing after that. On New Year's we shared a phone call, and that's been it. He'll call when he and his girlfriend break up... he always does.
Anyway, this has a point. We haven't seen eachother, or been ourselves around eachother, in nearly two years. Today, I was walking through campus, and I smelled him. I know that sounds gross. But I did. Not his cologne or anything, but him... his scent. All of a sudden all these amazing memories of the time we spent together came back... one night in particular where we got drunk (this is a recurring theme) with his friends, jumped on the trampoline together, and ended up laying on it with me resting my head on his chest, looking at the stars and listening to eachother breathe. We spent the night together in his friend's parent's room (haha... sorry) talking, him joking about us having sex (which of course didn't happen), watching TV, and just being us. It's just crazy how smelling something can bring back such powerful memories, even after almost 2 years of things being awkward. I miss him, I miss us, and I miss the good times, but I don't miss the feeling of not being appreciated or acknowledged, of feeling used and a temoprary filler for the real thing. This is ridiculous. It's been 2 years and I still can't get over someone who never showed me any true feelings in the first place. Someone I didn't so much as kiss, someone who I wouldn't be attracted to if I met today instead of back then. But still, if I could go back in time right now and go back to those good times, back to that summer, I would in an instant. What's wrong with me? Am I fucked up? It's like I was in love with someone who didn't even know I existed. I was completely over this until that damn smell. And it's not that I want him now. I want him then. That probably doesn't make sense, but it does to me. Anyway, that's my reminiscing for the moment.
I really should have been doing work for the forever long time it took me to do all this. Oh well, there's always tomorrow night, right? And I'm sorry to all who read the entire thing and found it utterly ridiculous.