what about me?
i'm the person that everyone in my family comes to when they need to vent. amanda calls to tell me she's upset about mom's relationship with dad [apparently they're "trying"... whatever the fuck that means]. mom calls to complain about amanda's objection to her relationship with dad. i end up in an hour and a half arguement/screaming match/talk/whatever in which my words are twisted around and used against me, i'm told that my opinion doesn't matter. nor does my lack of relationship with my father [i'm also told that this is my fault, not his. the fact that he's called me twice in the past 5 months should be good enough for me. my not answering makes me a bitch. clearly}. if i have a problem with them "trying," i need to move out immediately.
WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! everyone comes to me to vent and complain and tell their feelings, but i have no one. i can't go to them because they've already come to me. god forbid i have a differing opinion from either of theirs, i end up in a feud where undoubtedly, i end up feeling like i forced my father to abandon his family, drive to florida, fuck his ex-wife for a few weeks, come back, lie about wanting to work things out, and eventually leave again. all of this is my fault, because i spoke to him in the wrong tone of voice, with a little too much sarcasm. hmm... the way i was raised wouldn't have anything to do with the way i speak, would it? of course not. that would involve him taking some responsibility.
i was just trying to study for finals, so that i could get good grades and make them proud of me, when i get these phone calls that turn into an hour and a half of going in circles. everyone got their points across, except me. so now, in addition to feeling like a complete failure in the family department, i'll probably be a failure in the academic department, as well. and it's all my fault. why wouldn't it be.
i don't tell them about how i'm constantly angry, sad, and just plain hurt. every minute of everyday, i'm so deeply hurt that i can't believe i'm still functioning at a normal human level. and then i listen to them talk on top of it. it must be nice to have someone to talk so openly and honestly with. and i'm grateful that i can be that for them. but what about me? i'm killing myself from the inside out, here. and no one realizes it.
WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! everyone comes to me to vent and complain and tell their feelings, but i have no one. i can't go to them because they've already come to me. god forbid i have a differing opinion from either of theirs, i end up in a feud where undoubtedly, i end up feeling like i forced my father to abandon his family, drive to florida, fuck his ex-wife for a few weeks, come back, lie about wanting to work things out, and eventually leave again. all of this is my fault, because i spoke to him in the wrong tone of voice, with a little too much sarcasm. hmm... the way i was raised wouldn't have anything to do with the way i speak, would it? of course not. that would involve him taking some responsibility.
i was just trying to study for finals, so that i could get good grades and make them proud of me, when i get these phone calls that turn into an hour and a half of going in circles. everyone got their points across, except me. so now, in addition to feeling like a complete failure in the family department, i'll probably be a failure in the academic department, as well. and it's all my fault. why wouldn't it be.
i don't tell them about how i'm constantly angry, sad, and just plain hurt. every minute of everyday, i'm so deeply hurt that i can't believe i'm still functioning at a normal human level. and then i listen to them talk on top of it. it must be nice to have someone to talk so openly and honestly with. and i'm grateful that i can be that for them. but what about me? i'm killing myself from the inside out, here. and no one realizes it.