I hate myself, I really hate myself. (censored version)

[jallenbrwn]

When you think of yourself, your mental physical and emotional state what do you think of? I know you may say "I think of myself". However is this the self as you try to portray to other people? The facade of stability? The guise of a happy worry free life with no cares? The guise of amazing high self-esteem and worthiness? I know what kind of person I looked to myself as. It's not of a person from a broken home. With separated parents and a poor mother, a well off father who wants nothing really to do with his children. I AM UNSTABLE! Even my best friend Anne who I have opened up to the most may think "Allen has it bad...But he makes the most of it". Happy Allen. HAPPY ALLEN ? What the hell does that mean. Allen Allen who worries about his future like he's in a plane w/ one engine that has failed many times before. Allen who is always on the brink of crying but finds HE CANNOT CRY? WHO AM I? WHO AM I WHO AM I? The entirety of my life e is a mystery a blur. I was shoved a round mostly by myself. Searching for childhood happiness w/ different family members never finding it. Never happy. But with the different members the instilled in me things they think Allen is. I have the worse self esteem anyone can have. It's not all aobu looks when it comes to self-esteem it the whole package. Your family situation (My family situation sucks ass so what do I do I build I have a GREAT family and create little non-chalaunt problems to add artificial dysfunction and in the end it make the family look great.

He knows I go to Kent. But does he know I am condsidering not going back? Or that I am LOW! Anyway Iwas talking to my friend Jay and he floored me sayin Allen your unstable in every way basically he broke me down upset me but he is a reason I am writing this long as entry. I need help. I have consider many options... by all means it not so serious I need professional.. I need to be real. take time to myslef and slow down my life. POST COMMENTS