(no subject)
sometimes it feels like our old life is just a story in a dusty book.
thinking back on moments in time that are randomly sparked seems somewhat staged, if that is even the word.
just now i was looking at upcoming shows and i saw that 'the axe that chopped the cherry tree' is back together.
i remember when you called me from their show at a skate park or whereeverthefuck it was.
i was sitting at home, doing this, on the computer, angsting over something that wasnt anything and never really was.
maybe i was waiting for your call, maybe i was wishing to be elsewhere when you were the one out there living.
but you were calling me, just to tell me what you were doing.
back then im pretty sure i thought your motives were in spite, but now i see that it was like i was there with you.
ive called you from shows in the past, always pulling a good reation.
i dont understand why i didnt see that then,
because i would have been thankful, just for the silly little call.
i dont know if its the fact that i miss you, the you i used to know and call my best friend, or the you that you never became.
we dont speak anymore, you call me when you need something.
who the fuck would have ever thought it would come down to this?
maybe my subconcious knew that you would continue to be an anchor, keeping me from my dreams.
living the life that you lead at this point in time is something that i am against.
but i dont know how your shoes fit anymore so how can i be so quick to judge?
you probably think that you are the one who has won in our situation.
but honestly, this life that i have now, is nothing in compairison to the struggle that you embark.
not only do i have one best friend, ive got four.
im not too sure i even want to start on the subject of them because i could go for days.
a paragraph or novel about each one of them and the things i love about them.
its too early for that, its 5:16am.
mabye this is the epic closuer that i need, the book as ended finally, something cheesy like that.
its just our memorys flood my mind from time to time and i still want to go back.
i figured that stage would pass, wishing to go back into a time when things were wrong, just to make it right.
not yet i assume, because god i wish i could have changed most of the things that happened. maybe just the way i treated you.
because you loved me and i never saw that. until now, when you hate me. for no reason at all.
and its not even hate really. that is what hurts the most. in your attemps to fill the void all i have done is watch.
because it fucking hurts.
i wonder how you feel, knowing that i have four people who are my world now. its crazy.
the karma that i have got to be able to live this shit, its just fucking crazy. crazy cool. crazy good. i need this to live, breathe.
problems are petty and fuck there are SO many of them.
i cant even really keep up with what i say anymore, but i do it and i do it for them.
because the five of us have this one thing in common, we all just want a place to belong, some fucking thing to believe in.
and id like to think that we have all found that something in this friendship that we have.
its a flawed friendship none the less, but its something and we all know that its fucking powerful.
being able to trust on this level isnt typical. i wish we knew how to solve the things we keep from each other.
the fact that she really actually hates him, and he kinda sorta hates her back.
the way that their deal is somewhat over after all these years and she is the only one still attempting to make it right.
im not sure on how to handle our issuses because it is such an adult relationship.
maybe i am the only one who wants it to stay this way forever,
and maybe i am going to be the only one who is fucking dead when this is too.
how can you get so off topic when really there was no topic to begin with?