Nov 03, 2008 21:24
And it feels like everything is falling apart.
I waited so long for this season to finally begin,
i was searching for something so much better.
maybe i needed this change, but i dont know how to handle it.
maybe they dont understand that i dont go from obsession to obsession.
its something that happens in the course of longer than the two weeks that this has happened.
maybe they are the ones taking this out of hand?
but really its me, because you know,
everything has to have that certain meaning behind it.
i cant feel anything.
and its really as simple as that.
why does this season always cause something to stir inside of me.
ive been going to show a lot lately.
its nice, its what ive always fucking wanted.
but last nights show, at this new venue, in this far away mountain town,
scared the shit out of me.
the kids made me hate myself, like old times.
i have never said 'i wanna go back to aurora' so many times in one night.
it made me realize that this is all going to be over soon that later and its scary.
but feeling like you are alone in it is even worse.
why i feel this way? no idea.
but im pretty sure that i dont love you anymore.
i dont know you, ive never met you, and im most likely never going to.
and im okay with all of that, you say you love me, but i know you dont.
so its pretty much back to fucking square one.
alonealonealone.
nothing ever changes for long, it always ends up like this.
i thought i was growing up and out of this state of mind.
when really its been tailing me this whole time,
waiting for me to show that i was weak.
i have no idea what i am supposed to do now.
where i am going to end up if i cant even manage to live without worry.
to live without having to rethink everything,
every thought that goes through my mind is warped into something that its not.
because that is what happens when you have to raise yourself.
will yourself out of those troubling times.
just keep telling yourself that things might change in the future.
ive procrastinated getting a job for almost a year now.
im just scared of dealing with people.
i bet you thought i was going to say 'im scared to buy in.'
but im not like that anymore, i know that some fucking day that is going to have to happen.
im going to fall in line with all the others.
but right now, i just want to be able to live a life that i fucking want to lead.
why is that so hard?
everything would be so much better if i didnt have these ties to these people.
that way i wouldnt constantly hurt everyone who means something to me in life.