what am i to you, to me, to the rest of the world?
Sometimes I regret the things I do. I try not to but it is not an easy thing. I have said something that is hard to take back and it hurts. It hurts really badly. I can’t look to the future anymore and think of happiness. I can’t even imagine a carefree one. To me, talking about something only worsens the problem. It only makes the burden on me heavier. Why is this so? Why am I like this?
I can’t deny that didn’t try very hard to be tolerant and accepting. I can’t say I was the person that came out being right from this mess. I don’t know how to make sense of this anymore. Why did I let my emotions take over for a split second? By loosening the hold on myself I ruined everything. I ruined a friendship and possibly even friendships.
I am still at loss with this entire situation. I don’t know what to say or what to do anymore. All I want to do is close myself up. I want to hide and evade the inevitable. To face the music is going to be emotional and painful but it is only this way because of me. Me, the one who is always so serious and even arrogant at times.
I am the one that cannot take a joke, the one that doesn’t ever have fun. The reason there is ruin between is because of me. Yet I am the one that is suffering the most. I am pained by it. It haunts me in my thoughts and there is no escape from it. The problems cloud every moment of my consciousness and words cannot describe the pain. Like my friend would say, I beat myself over everything. I care about what others think. I care most of all about what they think of me.
I have learned the hard way about seriousness time and time again. I have tried to change it and I have become less serious. I have become a more light-hearted person. But it is never enough. The problems that once changed me from a person who was too proud to cry or display weakness in public to a person who could open the floodgates at any moment still exist.
I am truly afraid of what will happen. I want to evade the final truth for as long as possible. I don’t know how to manage friendships. I don’t understand human relationships. Thus the reason I want to become a recluse. I want solitude to teach me how important other people are. I want to finally understand how to manage human relationships. I will change and tolerate more in order to be a better friend, a better person. However, I am afraid of the confrontation that must come before it. I am deathly afraid. I dread the end of this weekend because of this.
If only it were possible to forget about it all. To see it all as just a small bump in a very long road. But it can’t happen. I have been told I have to confront it. That confrontation is the only way in which I can loosen my burden and resolve all issues for the better. Nothing will stop the dread in me though. Nothing at all.
I can’t deny that didn’t try very hard to be tolerant and accepting. I can’t say I was the person that came out being right from this mess. I don’t know how to make sense of this anymore. Why did I let my emotions take over for a split second? By loosening the hold on myself I ruined everything. I ruined a friendship and possibly even friendships.
I am still at loss with this entire situation. I don’t know what to say or what to do anymore. All I want to do is close myself up. I want to hide and evade the inevitable. To face the music is going to be emotional and painful but it is only this way because of me. Me, the one who is always so serious and even arrogant at times.
I am the one that cannot take a joke, the one that doesn’t ever have fun. The reason there is ruin between is because of me. Yet I am the one that is suffering the most. I am pained by it. It haunts me in my thoughts and there is no escape from it. The problems cloud every moment of my consciousness and words cannot describe the pain. Like my friend would say, I beat myself over everything. I care about what others think. I care most of all about what they think of me.
I have learned the hard way about seriousness time and time again. I have tried to change it and I have become less serious. I have become a more light-hearted person. But it is never enough. The problems that once changed me from a person who was too proud to cry or display weakness in public to a person who could open the floodgates at any moment still exist.
I am truly afraid of what will happen. I want to evade the final truth for as long as possible. I don’t know how to manage friendships. I don’t understand human relationships. Thus the reason I want to become a recluse. I want solitude to teach me how important other people are. I want to finally understand how to manage human relationships. I will change and tolerate more in order to be a better friend, a better person. However, I am afraid of the confrontation that must come before it. I am deathly afraid. I dread the end of this weekend because of this.
If only it were possible to forget about it all. To see it all as just a small bump in a very long road. But it can’t happen. I have been told I have to confront it. That confrontation is the only way in which I can loosen my burden and resolve all issues for the better. Nothing will stop the dread in me though. Nothing at all.