Randomness
Wow, reading back the last couple of entries I've posted, I'm realizing how much I've changed (for the better, for the worse...) in such a short time. September of last year, I was just about to the point of thinking Shane was the "one"... which is odd. It's very shitty to think back and not be able to remember one nice or decent thing about someone you used to be so incredibly in love with. I feel like that, now, about mostly everyone I've dated, except for Phil. He happens to be the one exception, probably, because I see him as incapable of doing wrong. Even when he'd cheated on me with Mallory and brought her to my house to admit the wrong-doing, he came back later to beg for my friendship (and I truly only felt betrayed by Mallory, she's done it before and she's do it again, I just had to learn the hard way to quit providing the knife for her to stick in my back). Phil and I, though, have that kind of relationship where it's so easy to drift apart and come together again without it feeling like even a day has passed. I've admitted things to him that I would never imagine admitting to girlfriends.
But enough about Phil. I may have met someone special. I've sworn off guys (boyfriends anyway) since Shane, and somehow managed to convince myself that they all wanted the same thing from me anyway, and would never be decent to me or treat me well, unless we were friends. What does that spell out? Friends with benefits. Such a horrible idea; why would I think if I had been in love with someone at one point, I could simply turn it around and let it be just about sex and friendship (does the friendship really truely ever remain after you start sleeping together? if you think about it, a great friendship with a guy equals ALL the good parts of a relationship with one, how could that not seem like a marvelous idea...), except that the second it started it was all about the female roommate again. He would drop anything to do whatever she wanted of him. Would watch her child whenever she asked (and the whole time we were together I never once heard her say please, or thank him for going out of his way to "be there" for her), drive her to and from work at any hour, pay her bills, buy her groceries... there was no end to his giving to her... but there was no begining to the friendship part of our supposed relationship. Then, about a month ago, I found out that I might have cervical cancer (twice in two years... I couldn't concoct this stuff if I tried), and all of a sudden, all of my friends, had completely disappeared. Now I'm still not entirely in the clear, but am having issues getting any gynological cancer specialists to return my phone calls... it's been over a month since I got my results back and still have not had the test that I need done.
I'm starting to feel like a lot of the health care providers out there are incompitent (loads of stories there, but I'm not going to bore anyone by rehashing the whole thing). So I also finally decided to get out there and make new friends. I've been so afraid since Brad and Chris to actually sit back and LET myself be happy with someone, and in turn have let so many relationships fall in on themselves, that I managed to convince myself that I didn't need all the drama. I was CAUSING the drama in the first place and couldn't even see it. Seeing what a car crash my mom's life has turned into after the love of her life left... I guess I was always just afraid.
More later...
*The ice cream truck is playing "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf!"*
But enough about Phil. I may have met someone special. I've sworn off guys (boyfriends anyway) since Shane, and somehow managed to convince myself that they all wanted the same thing from me anyway, and would never be decent to me or treat me well, unless we were friends. What does that spell out? Friends with benefits. Such a horrible idea; why would I think if I had been in love with someone at one point, I could simply turn it around and let it be just about sex and friendship (does the friendship really truely ever remain after you start sleeping together? if you think about it, a great friendship with a guy equals ALL the good parts of a relationship with one, how could that not seem like a marvelous idea...), except that the second it started it was all about the female roommate again. He would drop anything to do whatever she wanted of him. Would watch her child whenever she asked (and the whole time we were together I never once heard her say please, or thank him for going out of his way to "be there" for her), drive her to and from work at any hour, pay her bills, buy her groceries... there was no end to his giving to her... but there was no begining to the friendship part of our supposed relationship. Then, about a month ago, I found out that I might have cervical cancer (twice in two years... I couldn't concoct this stuff if I tried), and all of a sudden, all of my friends, had completely disappeared. Now I'm still not entirely in the clear, but am having issues getting any gynological cancer specialists to return my phone calls... it's been over a month since I got my results back and still have not had the test that I need done.
I'm starting to feel like a lot of the health care providers out there are incompitent (loads of stories there, but I'm not going to bore anyone by rehashing the whole thing). So I also finally decided to get out there and make new friends. I've been so afraid since Brad and Chris to actually sit back and LET myself be happy with someone, and in turn have let so many relationships fall in on themselves, that I managed to convince myself that I didn't need all the drama. I was CAUSING the drama in the first place and couldn't even see it. Seeing what a car crash my mom's life has turned into after the love of her life left... I guess I was always just afraid.
More later...
*The ice cream truck is playing "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf!"*