(no subject)
Isn't it funny how whenever you get your hopes up about something, it almost guarantees what you're hopeful about to fail? I got hopeful about Shane and somehow managed to fuck it up. That, or my gut instinct was right and he's secretly in love with his female roommate and best friend. I love the times in life that seem to arise straight from the pages of a soap opera script. I was actually pretty devistated last night and this morning, because all this shit happened to occur just after sleeping with the loser for the first time. Quite a blow. Skipped work today cuz I've been coming off of Effexor, my antidepressant, and apparently am vastly more emotional that I would have been a week or so ago, not to mention that apparently the pill helped calm my nervous stomache. I remember that whenever I'd get upset about something, I'd get sick to the point of vomiting, all because of emotions. I remember wishing I were someone else when I was little, and I'm revisiting those thoughts, not so much because my life is so terrible, I'm fully aware of how entirely selfish it would be for me to think those thoughts, but just because I do have a lot that's fucked up with me, and it would just be nice to not flip out all the time about such insignificant things. Fuck, we were dating for like a week and I was that distraught over something so simple. I guess it always comes down to the fact that girls almost always think it's something they did, something they could have done differently to make things work out for the better, but he's entirely not worth being with if he's going to get huffy about things he should have brought up sooner and attempted to talk to me about. I was under the impression that if something is bothering you in a relationship, the only way to get it resolved is to talk to your partner about it. Not strew silently for a week and then throw in the towel completely.
He's being an entire ass about the whole thing too, changing his story repeatedly and attempting to make me sound desperate and in denial, when all I'm doing is try to find out where he's coming from. I even read my responce emails to a friend of mine, word for word, and being a male friend, I figured he'd be able to spot something that I, being a chick, wouldn't be able to spot as offensive in the eyes of a guy. Nada. He said I seemed to be calm and rational and made good points. Funny thing is, yesterday everything was fine and I'm all floating along, thinking that yay, I'd get to see my boyfriend later, and thinking how great it was to have finally met someone I could trust and be honest with and then kaboom, random email, and I get it at work. AT WORK! Who does that?!?
So of course now I have to endlessly ponder if maybe we weren't so compatable, or if maybe he just really digs his roommate more than he's letting on. Maybe this whole thing is just bullshit and he waited until after he fucked me then opted to break it off. I guess I'll never know because I'm not all that concerned in keeping someone like that in my life. When I opted to keep Phil as a friend, it was because I couldn't bear the thought of not having him in my life forever, but with Shane, I'm starting to think I really dont give a fuck. With all the fucked up guys out there, who needs another mind-fuck?
He's being an entire ass about the whole thing too, changing his story repeatedly and attempting to make me sound desperate and in denial, when all I'm doing is try to find out where he's coming from. I even read my responce emails to a friend of mine, word for word, and being a male friend, I figured he'd be able to spot something that I, being a chick, wouldn't be able to spot as offensive in the eyes of a guy. Nada. He said I seemed to be calm and rational and made good points. Funny thing is, yesterday everything was fine and I'm all floating along, thinking that yay, I'd get to see my boyfriend later, and thinking how great it was to have finally met someone I could trust and be honest with and then kaboom, random email, and I get it at work. AT WORK! Who does that?!?
So of course now I have to endlessly ponder if maybe we weren't so compatable, or if maybe he just really digs his roommate more than he's letting on. Maybe this whole thing is just bullshit and he waited until after he fucked me then opted to break it off. I guess I'll never know because I'm not all that concerned in keeping someone like that in my life. When I opted to keep Phil as a friend, it was because I couldn't bear the thought of not having him in my life forever, but with Shane, I'm starting to think I really dont give a fuck. With all the fucked up guys out there, who needs another mind-fuck?