depressed
So lately I have been Depressed*, and trying hard not to be. After all, what do I have to be depressed about? I have a job, a roof over my head, food in my belly, and unlimited access to the interwebs. That's doing better than like, 90% of the world right there. But it's hard, because the job I have right now is just...not what I want to do with my life. And I've applied and applied and applied and applied for other jobs nation-wide (actually, world-wide. I applied for one job in Sweden out of desperation, never mind my inability to speak Swedish.) but so far haven't gotten as much as an interview. And everyone says my resume looks amazing! and my cover letters are sharply written! but it's just not good enough. I'm considering going to grad school next year if I get an assistantship, but then what? I don't want to have a master's degree and then still not be able to get a job, because then I'll be Overqualified, especially for what I really want to do (re: write for video games).
Also I don't have any friends.
By which I mean, I have friends, but they are all 3+ hours away. My BFF forever and ever since kindergarten (I am not lying; we have been friends for 17 years) Josh (I've written about him before; he is the straight one who I play Dragon Age with and then I get surprised because he wants a gay romance with Alistair) is even joining a program where he's going to work in Japan, which is awesome for him, but we've got severe separation anxiety just with him being in Missouri and me being in Arkansas, and it will be even worse when we can't facebook chat all day long. I just miss him, and I miss all my other friends too. Growing up sucks.
I took ya'lls advice about finding friends by joining things, and I joined a local geek group I found online. It's been fun, but it's a lot of people and they are almost...too geeky for me? Which is a phrase I've never thought I'd say. But they were very science-minded geeks, whereas I'm more of a "yay words!" type geek. I think I'll hang out with them again, it just wasn't a sort of instant-bond like I'd hoped. (Also, it is such a boy's club. There were only two other girls there and they were both there as someone's girlfriend. Which doesn't mean they aren't interesting folks, it just means they are already Attached and are less interested, at least outwardly, in making friends.)
But meeting new geeks means that I've met people who want to play D&D, which I love. D&D is interesting for me because I never played it growing up, never even heard about it until college, played one campaign at the end of last year and absolutely loved it. It is a game tailor-made for me. It is all story and plot and I get to make characters and it's just fantastic.
Also, to make matters worse, I've gained weight, and I am already a fat kid, and now I'm an even Fatter Kid, and it's just...arghssldfja.
I also haven't been writing much lately, mostly because every time I write something I just want to cry because it's so awful. I wrote something for a fic exchange and hated every minute of it. This is the first time in my life that I've actually had the time to do NaNoWriMo, but for the first time ever, I don't have any inspiration whatsoever. And when I do write...it's just crappy, and I don't know how to make it better.
The only time I *do* feel like writing is stuff like this, about how sorry my life is , or about video games, or about stuff I normally don't talk about on this blog (religion! politics! stuff people get angry about!) Stuff I don't think people are interested in reading, but I've been surprised before.
(*For the record, I do not believe I am clinically depressed. My minor in psychology says I don't hit all the symptoms exactly, though I hit more than I used to which is disconcerning. I'm mostly talking about feeling down in the dumps often, which sucks but I think is more circumstantial than mental.)
So, my friend's list, light of my life, people keeping me sane these past few months, answer me these questions three:
Poll
If you could give me some feedback/send me some love/pray for me if you are the praying type, I'd really appreciate it.
<3
jak