(no subject)
I've been back from Burning man for a week now, and the original "I feel like a wacked-out hippy" thoughts have faded.... to a certain extent. I pretend, for the most part, to be aloof, stoic, and indifferent, it's mostly just a facade. I sometimes get to caught up in what's going on around me, and even if it's ficticious, my emotions get pulled all out of wack. I stopped watching some television shows for this very reason. (E.R. being the most notable, I couldn't handle watching the suffering of families. That's just not entertaining to me.)
Part of the Burning Man experience, for me, happened to be a very emotional one. Only two days before hand I had been laid off from my employer, and with it, I had promised myself that this was the end of that "career". It wasn't just the people, or the company, or the situation; it was the work that I did not enjoy. Sure, I may have been good at it, but it was not something that I felt inspired by. I never felt like I was adding anything to the world. I was a cog in the machine and I've always wanted my life to be more than just that.
Among the reasons I decided to go to Burning Man was to experience the Temple burn. I felt I needed some sort of ritual to add a sense of finality and closure with this decision to leave that career behind. The burning of the temple appealed to me; the fire representing the ultimate force of change, of letting go of the past to make room for the future. While at my work I was required to wear a lapcoat. I had two of them issued, and was suppose to turn them in. I decided that I was going to keep one as a symbol of that former career and my boss, while checking out, inadvertantly allowed me to keep one. I think it was on Thursday (the lost Hookahdome day) in which I managed to make the trip out to the Temple and to place it.
The temple itself had six or so pillars which made the major bodywork for suspending the wood structure up three stories. The pillars were carved, and by the time I had made it out there, were decorated with the stories that others had written. In one of these hollowed pillars I placed the lapcoat. I pulled the breast of the coat up to the hollowed out areas, arranging it on either side of a carved line so that my name-tag could be seen on one side and the company name could be seen on the other side.
I did tear up, and choked up. The emotions that were present at the temple are very nearly palpable. Their was a sadness that resonated, but not in a spiraling, infinite manner. It was the feeling of a sadness that was being put to rest. On my own part, it was a hard thing to do. Anxiety, it is always anxiety that its at me. I felt overwhelmed and terrified, briefly, of the future that I had laid out for myself. The school, the applications, the studying, the politiking and beuacracy that all go into getting to the point of applying... and then there's all the fear and uncertainy of what life will be like if I am successful.
I managed to walk away, but had some trepidation on how the events would be during the actual burn. I tried not to think about it for the next couple of days, and... it is perhaps by the event's vib, or energy, or whatever you want to call it. After I walked away, it was honestly the last I really felt much of anything regarding the ritual which I had gone for. The major 'release' was significant, but it was done mostly by placing the coat in the temple.
By the time the temple burn had actually come around, I felt released from all those "career" obligations, to the point that I didn't feel I necessarily had to be there to witness the burn. When the evening of the temple burn did come around, I found myself surrounded by 5 other people who made it easy to feel positive and enthusaistic about life. I carried that feeling back with me, and as I said, it has been a week, and most of the "wacked-out hippy" emotions have passed, but a lot of that really positive emotion and thought still remains.