(no subject)

[jaka_nemch]

SM litanies of faith maybe some of you have seen these but they still are funny. 1. 1.Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle. 2. Orks are not "cute." 3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons. 4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand. 5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle. 6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar. 7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador. 8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs. 9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin." 10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans) 11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife. 12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin." 13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag." 14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food. 15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed." 16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings. 17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne. 18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control". 19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino. 20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino. 21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs". 22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo". 23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box 24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny, does not count as an “enemy casualty”. 25. Thou shalt not clog the Lasscannon tubes “just to see what happens”. 26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a dreadnaught. 27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the chaplain’s hand whilst wearing a powerfist. 28. Putting sand inside the terminators’ armour is not “funny”. 29. Thou shalt not refer to the standard of fortitude as a “walking stick” 30. Thou shalt not refer to the bolt-pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter. 31. The earthshaker cannon is not a “hat stand” nor is the sentinel a “standard lamp”. 32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras. 33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the chaplain’s armour. 34. Thou shalt not compliment the dark eldar by calling them "kinky" 35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver 36. Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol 37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke 38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the commander’s power armour with laughing gas 39. Thou shalt not train a hormogaunt to be a watchdog 40. Thou shalt not take "old one eye" out of context...”He's in my artificer armour he..he..duh!” 41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippy alter boys" 42. Thou shalt not taunt an eldar "gee didn't these use to shoot further?" 43. Thou shalt not refer to the golden throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy" 44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint. 45. Thou shalt not throw a warp beast a dog biscuit. 46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a witch/ sisters battle. 47. Thou shalt not ask a warlock what he wears under his robe. 48. Thou shalt not tease an inquisitor with "look sir-heretics!" 49. Thou shalt not play wack-a-mole with those little jawa-wannabe dark angel thingies (tangent). 50. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a plasma gun. 51. Thou shalt not take the rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms. 52. Thou shalt not ask the librarian if he has records concerning Uranus. 53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a “novelty toaster” 54. Thou shalt not ask the apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue. 55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a terminators' suit during battle. 56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling snotlings. 57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the emperor (unless properly addressed to do so) 58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches. 59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as “psychological warfare” nor shalt thou refer to the index astartes as “the book of grudges” 60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the emperor to crap or get off the throne” 61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport. 62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your primarch" debate. 63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battlecry when wielding a powersword and entering an assault 64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels. 65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the space wolves. 66. Duct-taping a flamer to your boltgun does not count as a combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "master crafted" 67. Thou shalt not punt grots for pleasure. 68. Thou shalt not shout “thongs for the thong god in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wishes to learn the true meaning of pain. 69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar. 70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the harlequin. 71. Power armour never makes a sister look fat. 72. Thou shalt not laugh manically when flaming the non-believers. 73. Thou shalt not use thunderhammers to play crocket. 74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a c'tan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale. 75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethern, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incediary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within his His Most Holy showering facilities. 76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons. 77. Thou shalt not ask roughriders if you can pet their ponies. 78. Thou shalt not stray from the adeptus mechanicus's directive towards ornamentation of rhinos-specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice. 79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counterstrike'. 80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the land speeder joy riding. 81. Remember, shining lasguns in the guards’ eyes is WRONG. 82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a daemon. 83. Thou shall not call the sacred plasma gunners of the imperial guard 'fizzbusters'. 84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the chapter master's equipment. 85. Thou shall not use supported warhounds to 'play ball' with imperial guard sentinels. 86. It is NOT cool to feed snotlings copious amounts of narcotics! 87. It is not “funny” to dress up as a bloodletter and jump out in front of the chapter master. 88. Replacing a brother's ammunition with blanks is not “funny” 89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons. 90. Playing naughty movies in your power armour’s autosenses is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes. 91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities. 92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered dreadnaught brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?" 93. Thou shalt not commandeer droppods to go for pizza. 94. Thou shalt not refer to the emperor’s champion as "that brown-noser" 95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be tyranids. 96. Thou shalt not tickle the fallen to press for confession and redemption. 97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking "Can you hear me now", repetively in an attempt to drive him insane. 98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes". 99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays. 100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret" 101. Thou shalt not do Scooby Doo impersonations when speaking to the Space Wolves. 102. Thou shalt not tell the Salamanders "sorry about the multimelta thing" 103. Thou shall not ask directions from the wulfen. 104. Thou shall not ask berserkers for an axe. 105. Thou shalt not do doughnuts in a rhino, unless thou wishest to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor, as doughnuts make passengers dizzy 106. Thou shalt not write "Biggest Bitch on the Battlefield" on the side of thy land raider, even if it is true. 107. Thou shalt not take the Rhino out on Saturdays to 'impress the girls'. 108. Tyranids are not cute. 109. Though shalt not use lasguns as laser sights for thy bolters 110. Just because you’re fighting necrons it doesnt mean your standard equipment is a skaven and a tin opener. 111. Thou shalt not throw snowballs at Salamander Space Marines whilst yelling "THINK FAST!" 112. Thou shalt not ask Ork prisoners "why the red ones go faster" 113. Thou shalt not attempt to drown out noise marines with ye old rave music 114. Never ask a dreadnought "how old are you?" 115. Thou shalt not use the golden throne as a microwave 116. Thou shalt not wear a dress in the presence of the dark angels 117. Thou shalt not wear fake fangs in the presence of the wolves 118. Thou shalt not ask a space wolf if he wants a biscuit 119. Thou shalt not eat another marine’s paste 120. Thou shalt not trip a dark angel in front of a interrorgator chaplain 121. Thou shalt not trip an interrorgator-chaplain 122. Thou shalt not fill demolisher shells with lotus flowers. 123. Scouts are not 'target practice'. 124. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's weapon with a plastic sword. 125. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack. 126. Thou shalt NOT refer to the Dreadnought as 'Grandad', nor shalt thou hang an 'I told you I was sick' sign from it. 127. Thou shalt not play 'peek-a-boo' with the machine spirit. 128. Thou shalt not unscrew your battle breathrens leg plates. 129. It is not funny to play ring toss with orks tusks. 130. When faced by the inquisition, dont laugh. 131. Necrons are not cans 132. Thou shalt not eat prunes before a battle 133. Thou shalt not refer to the company Techmarine as "Scotty." 134. Thou shalt not challenge the Terminator company to a game of "Twister." 135. Thou shalt not refer to ripper swarms as... "cute." 136. Thou shalt not refer to Catachan guard as "tree hugging hippies" 137. Thou shalt not suggest the Eldar "live long and prosper." 138. Thou shalt not tell a space wolf it smells as if something crawled up and died in their mouth. 139. Thou shalt not replace the Space Wolves store of Tuna with cans of puppy chow. 140. Thou shalt not use imperial guardsmen as sticks while playing fetch with a hive tyrant. 141. Thou shall not use flame falcons to toast thy marshmellows 142. Thou shall not ask an inquisitor's psyber-eagle "does polly wanna cracker?" 143. Thou shall not ask the Lametors "are ya feeling lucky punk, well are ya?" 144. Dating the Veteran Sergeant is the exclusive privilege of the Heavy weapon trooper 145. Thou shalt not ask the Eldar females if they are interested in a hand-portable 'Vibro Cannon'... 146. Thou shalt not strut around Imperial Guardsmen bragging about how 'well-equipped' you are. 147. Thou shalt not ask the Thousand Sons if they are that slow on purpose. 148. Thou shalt not tuant the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion. 149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet." 150. Thou shalt not challenge Karandras the Shadow hunter to an arm-wrestling match 151. Thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "bird droppings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using a mortar to pet them with birdseed. 152. Thou shalt not use the emperor's champion iron halo to play horseshoes in thy free time. 153. Thou shalt not use the chapter standard to dry thy undergarments upon 154. Thou shalt NEVER take the Steve Irwin Approach to Tyranids; if they do not respond to external stimuli, do not attempt to poke it with a stick. 155. Thou shalt not consider it "funny" to replace the smoke canisters in your Chapter's Land Raider's Smoke Launchers with narcotic substances 156. He who takes advantage of the Emperor's paralysis by painting his fingernails will be summarily executed 157. Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol 158. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karoke 159. Thou shalt not nick-name the machine spirit Kit, Hal, Computer, or Rufus 160. Finally, Thou shalt not say my wraithlor took a squat. (With love to all the MODs in the world) 161.Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard’s Chimeras 162.Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the chaplains armour. 163.Thou shalt not tell the inquisitor "say what you want about Chaos, but those slaanesh can party!" 164.Though shalt not blast "flight of the Valkeries" when buzzing enemies in your land speeder (You know who you are, stinkin Ravenwing) 165.Thou shalt not trade His Most Delectible rations for gourmet eldar toufoo (sp?) 166.Thou shalt not offer backscratches when issued lightning claws 167.Yes, its cheating to use jumppacks during a basketball game 168.No, you can't pose for playgirl's "the men of the adeputs astartes" 169.Enforcing discipline is not sending the neophytes to procur strong munkish ale 170.Don't call the adeptus mechanicus about warranty information concerning your destroyed land raider 171.Don't shave a bloodthirster in his sleep-it only makes them more angry when they wake up 172.Do not deface His Most Blessed Battlebarges with the bumpersticker "We don't Brake" 173.thou shalt not ask the librarian if he has records concerning uranus 174.the flamer is NOT a novelty toaster 175.it is not funny to remove the motors from a terminators' suit during battle 176.Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your primarch" debate 177.Thou shalt not punt grots for pleasure 178.Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a c'tan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale 179.Thou shalt not Compare There Height With That Of The Ratling Snipers 180.Thou Shalt not Go The Way of The Navy (Well, When do they get to See "Sisters"?) 181.Thou Shalt Not Kick the Emperor if he See's the Kick me sign on him. 182.Thou shall not try to prove you '1337' skills on necrons, in the eldar webway, or on the Martian central cogitator mainframe. 183.Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counterstrike'. 184.Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the land speeder joy riding. 185.Thou shalt not tuant the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion. 186.Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet." 187. Thou shalt not through a bone at a bloodthirster or flesh hounds shoutin fetch 188.thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "bird dropings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using amortar to pet them with birdseed. 189.Thou shalt not use the emperor's champion iron halo to play horseshoes in thy free time. 190.thou shalt not use the chapter standard to dry thy undergarments upon 193.Shoulder Pads are not to be removed for use as ice-cream scoops. 194.Thou shalt not replace our honoured brother Terminator Captain's Storm-bolter with a Vulcan Mega bolter, nor shalt thou feign surprise at his inability to lift it. 195.Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite, else thou shalt be forced to clean the inside of his helmet. 196.Thou shalt not replace a Thunderhawk's firebase supplies with bouncy castles. 197.Thou shalt not burn our Captain's robe on a cold night. 198.Thou shalt not replace the Apothecary's reductor with a syringe. 199.Undoing the straps between a brother and his jump-pack is not funny. 200.thou shal not ask salamanders for a light 201.thou shal not get blood angles to go to anger management classes 202.thou shalt not challeng white scars to a street race. 203thou shall not refere to imperial guard as gun fodder 204.20ft high electro-magnets should not be used around necrons 205.though shall not place the linra chaotica in your ex-wifes possestion 207.raid is compleatly usless against a carnifax 208.salamanders do not need to go to "how to stop burning things" classes 209.you shall not borrow the libraians psycic hood for the annual guess who compatiton. 210.thou shall not pour water on a avatar 211.Thou shalt not attach a "For Sale: Previously owned by one careful user" to the wreck of a destroyed Drednaught. 212.Thou shalt not feed bio-carbonate of soda to the Librarians Psyber raven (any one who's done this will understand why). 213.Thou shalt not use a rail gun as a see-saw. 214.Thou shalt not coment on Captain Tycho not having his "happy face" on. 215.Thou shalt not mention the phrase "bath time" in front of the space wolves. 216.Thou shalt never mention, under pain of death, the stunted race of humanoids who mystiriously disapeared from the universe for unexplained reasons. 217.Thou shalt not consider a detatchment to Armageddon as a "Holiday". 218.Thou shalt not refer to Talarn as "the big beach". 219.Thou shalt not tie an Inquisitors boot laces together and then run away giggling. (Instead you should run away fearing redemption). 220.Thou shalt not utilise the highly sophisticated, advanced and expensive long range communications array to make prank phone calls to the local bar and ask for a "Mr I.P. 221.thou shall not take the emporor out walking 222.thoough sahall not atempt to be friends with tyranids 223.do not "Borow" the land raiders to race them then when they come back wrecked blame it on chaos 224.thou shalt not write clean me on a catachan chimera 225.Thou shalt not fry ants with the meltagun 226.Thou shalt not fill the back of the missle launcher with promethium to "see what happens" 227.Thou shalt not paint "beware of dog" on the wolf lord's armour 228.Thou shalt not play pin the tail on the donkey with the rough rider's horses 229Thou shalt not date deamonettes or other followers of Slaanesh, no matter how tempting the concept may be. 230.thy shall not blame the chapel heating for falling asleep during prayer 231.thy shall not paint 2 blue stripes down the middle of a rhino and call it a 'viper' variant 232.the Tau are not 'noobs' 233.thy shall not refer to assualt marines as 'tooled up pretty boys' 234.the ultramarines do have a sense of humour 235.thy shall not use the land raider for off road races 236.Thou shalt not give maacures to lightning claws 237.Thou shalt not procur noisemarine weapons for thine garage band 238.Thou shalt not comment on the temperature around thine brethren, yon salamanders 239.Thou shalt be punished for speaking the blaspemous "argh matey" around thine chapter master with the bionic leg 240.Thou shalt not offer to "pump you up" to Imp guardsmen 241.Thou shalt decline all invitations to party with slannesh 242.Thou shalt not salvage spore mines for whoopy-cushions 243.Thou shalt not drag race thine obominous opponents for bragging rights 244.Thou shalt not ask "Ever wonder if the machine god is a C'Tan?" or thine shalt be branded heretic and purged. 245."Pucker up homos!" is not an Adeptus Astartes aproved battlecry 246.Thou shalt not suggest a banshee take voice lessons. 247.Thou shalt not attempt to procur "the good stuff" from thine apothecary 248.Thou shalt not suggest thine chapter master is "so old his farts bow dust" 249.Thou shalt not resort to nipple twisting when losing a fight girded with a powerfist 250.An honor badge was never granted for basketweaving or surfing, to suggest so in sacrilegous and thou shalt report to the chaplain for suitable penance. 251........thou shalt not replace thy veteran sergeants bolt pistol ammo for a flag with "bang" upon it. 252........ thou shalt not use power swords for letter openers. 253........ thou shalt not challenge eldar to a bike race. 254........ thou shalt not place thy holey banana into a ravenwing bike exhaust. 255....... thou shalt not use tyranid rending claws as tooth picks (especially if there still alive). 256....... thou shalt not steal thy plasma cannons power pack for christmas lights. 257....... thou shalt not use lightning claws as back scratches. 258....... thou shalt not use thy techpriest tools to unblock thy hoely toilet. 259....... thou shalt not use thy emperors throne for personel use. 260.Thou shalt not use the Techmarine's servo arm to serve drinks. 261.Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's bike with a pedal-tricycle. 262.Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Holy Relic with a cuddly toy. 263.Thou shalt not use Chainfists to clip thy toenails. 264.The fact that Razorbacks have spiked rams at the front does not entitle you to use them as bumper cars. 265.Thou shalt not attempt to fill Smoke Launchers with Silly String. 266.Thou shalt not pester Dreadnoughts with "So what's it like to die then?". 267.Thou shalt not sing "Who let the dogs out" when visiting the Fang 268.Thou shalt not offer the Emperor any kind of anti-wrinkle products 269.Thou shalt not make loops while flying a Battle Barge. 270.No, a jumppack is NOT a hairdryer. 271.Thou shalt not refer to Magneus Calgar as 'Papa Smurf' 272.Thou shalt not call Blood Angels 'pretty boys' 273.Thou shalt not say 'dead man walking' everytime thy see a dreadnought 274.Kroot hounds DO NOT make good company mascots 275.Space wolf bites are actually worse than their bark 276.Thou shalt not use rhino dozer blades to help build thy brother in laws patio 277.Remember Krootox are not just for christmas 278.Thou shalt not make buzzing noises and say 'we meet at last obi-wan' when handling power weapons 279.Remember a 2+ armour save does not a primarch make 280.Thue shalt not refer to chaplain Lemartes as 'ticker-tape man' 281.Thou shalt not say to an Inquisitor 'hey, i hear theyre bringing out the malus codicium in paperback' 282.Thou shalt not whistle 'close encounters of the 3rd kind' everytime you see a tau 283.Thou shalt not send Legion of the Damned brethren trick or treating 284.thou shalt not "drag" with the chapters thunderhawks 283.thou shalt not ask an ork for some "'shrooms" 284.When thou hast taken many casualties, thou shalt 'flee' towards to guns of they enemy that their next volley may be more accurate. 285.Thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'Catholic fundamentialists'. 286.Regardless of any laws regarding 'Daemon season', thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'poachers'. 287.Thou shalt not make comparisons between Night Haunter and Batman. 288.Thou shalt not make jokes about the Inqui-*bolter fire* 289.Thou shall not refer to the golden throne as a royal flush nor refer to a royal flush in poker as the golden throne 290. thou shalt not have a thumb war while wearin a powerfist 291. thou shalt not take dancing lesons of slannash follows 292. thou shalt not start a say that history is wronge and it was they emporer who turned to chaos 293. Thou shalt not say thy emporer is a false god in forunt of thy inquisitor 294.Thou shalt not try to get they battle sister drunk for a little fun 295. thou shalt not become ddrunk b4 a battle so thy accidently shoots thy brothers 296.thous shalt not call Interregator Chaplains "Crossdressers" 297.Thou shalt not attempt to trip up a titan. 298.Thou shalt not refer to the Deceiver as "Just a big gold court jester". 299.Thou shalt not ask Tzeentch how to pull a rabbit out of a hat. 300.Thou shalt not tell brother space marines that they can only move six inches at a time. 301.Thou shalt not ask why Eldar wave serpents are just Falcons with an extra gun. 302.Thou shalt not confuse the black legion with the black templars. 303.Thou shalt not refer to Slaneesh as "That freaky nymphomaniac guy" 304.Thou shalt not toss the Watcher in the Dark. 305.The Emperor has seen fit to award certain Marines with Terminator armor. Use of an Austrian accent will not increase your chances of recieving this honor. 306.Thou shalt not ask to see the Space Wolves' "True Grit." 307.Thou shalt not ask the Nightbringer to "power up," nor will you ask to see it go "Super C'tan." 308. The following references to a Dreadnought are punishable by death: Gundam Evangelion Escaflowne Giant Robitsu-san 309. Bikes cannot do "360s," nor should you ask them to "BMX." 310. Power Armor is there for your protection. Pot lids do not make effective armor. 311. Any Marine caught blaming the Tyranids for "Zerg Rushing" will be asked to lead the charge. 312. Eldar helmets do NOT have multiple accesory uses