the past seemed nicer
I have been thinking about something today, about how nice it was when we were all having fun, its was great, i loved it back then i know its stupid to think about the past but so much of it made me happy, we all were great, even thou there were some really bad times, most of them were filled with happiness and laughter... I miss laughing like we did, but i know those day could never be again, i can bearly stand any of the people i once hungout with, Jen, Aaron, and Lauren are it, well from the first group of us... I just wanted it to last a little bit longer thats all, but then i would have probally felt worse... well i know i would have. its not that i happy now because in my own little way i am. but the happiness i felt back then was the best. it proves a point thou, nothing last forever, but more then anything it proves that when your truly happy in hurts the worse to fall from that high up. i enjoy being at the bottom only so i dont have to deal with the pain, of losing in the end. I dont like what happens when you become an adult, if i could only go back, really far back to when i was 10, i would have killed myself then so i didn't have to live past the moment of true beauty inside life, only when your young is life at its best.
I know im having a hard time dealing with my life in a different way, i just liked being the way i was there was no work needed, but i try to do my best for everyone, i am out to get myself, ruin everything good in my life, i dont really feel important in anymore. People like im so wise but its not wisdom i have its logic, and logic says that. i should not exist. Death seems to be most favorite thing to talk about these days. Its not like anything else is going on in my life to make it feel worthly of living... I cant seem to help myself, i dont try hard enough to get a job so i know i will never have one, school is a problem i see no anwser too, my father i cant help; i can just watch him die and im not fucking ready for that again, I want to be in love but im to sick to even let people in; i have away of driving people crazy, eventhou i could have that i just push it all away...... therpy is suspose to help me but ive closed myself off so much that i dont know if Jackie will ever come home.
This life is kinda meaningless... I cant hide forever but im trying my best to not let it show, this pain is going to have the best of me and i no longer care to fight it, im giving in and im not going to show this, its to ugly for me to even see it anymore.... you could never tell these things live inside of me i do such a good job of keeping it hidden. I dont know anymore, im confused, lost, and just so broken i dont like thinking about all the pointless anwsers i could come up with to fix... if only i could find a reason to be happy, save myself for this abyss of sarrow...
J.
I know im having a hard time dealing with my life in a different way, i just liked being the way i was there was no work needed, but i try to do my best for everyone, i am out to get myself, ruin everything good in my life, i dont really feel important in anymore. People like im so wise but its not wisdom i have its logic, and logic says that. i should not exist. Death seems to be most favorite thing to talk about these days. Its not like anything else is going on in my life to make it feel worthly of living... I cant seem to help myself, i dont try hard enough to get a job so i know i will never have one, school is a problem i see no anwser too, my father i cant help; i can just watch him die and im not fucking ready for that again, I want to be in love but im to sick to even let people in; i have away of driving people crazy, eventhou i could have that i just push it all away...... therpy is suspose to help me but ive closed myself off so much that i dont know if Jackie will ever come home.
This life is kinda meaningless... I cant hide forever but im trying my best to not let it show, this pain is going to have the best of me and i no longer care to fight it, im giving in and im not going to show this, its to ugly for me to even see it anymore.... you could never tell these things live inside of me i do such a good job of keeping it hidden. I dont know anymore, im confused, lost, and just so broken i dont like thinking about all the pointless anwsers i could come up with to fix... if only i could find a reason to be happy, save myself for this abyss of sarrow...
J.