(no subject)
well i was supposed to go to cleveland this weekend but that fell through. not too bummed out i didnt get to go except for the fact that i would have LOVED to see tracy and caitlen. otherwise pretty much everyone knows my feelings about cleveland.
i ended up going home to get my windshield fixed. ugh. $350 later i can see clearly. no fun. anyways, it was great being home. didnt do much. went out to dinner friday night to some "hicks r us" place for my cousin marks birthday. its strange cuz he isnt a hick at all and i definately felt very out of place with all the mullets and such around, plus all they offered was fried food, not my cup of tea. there was this little girl sitting near me who kept staring at me and it was quite humerous when after eating a very greasy onion ring she rubs her hands all over her face, my dad and i couldnt hold back our laughter and were more than happy to leave. after that we went back to marks place and did karaoke all night and played pool, it was a lot of fun and of course the fam made me sing 5 million songs, i guess i should be used to it. saturday just hung out around the house most of the day, my dad dyed my hair for me, haha, and caleb and randy came over for a bit, its always nice to see them. that night we went to see sideways with my cousin jake and anne and her son ray, great movie. went out for dessert afterwards and had some much needed laughs. sadly, i had to leave early this morning to come back for work to be let go 3 hours early, blah. pointless drive back here i must say...
just finished reading "puppet" by joy fielding. VERY good book i must say, so many twists and turns, i just started reading it yesterday and finished it today, had to.
now im back in aa feeling very unmotivated as is usual i guess. ive been struggling a lot lately with wondering whether or not opera or school is the right thing for me. i know that seems extreme but im just wondering. its hard when basically since 6th grade i've known what i wanted to do when i grew up and have been training extensively since i was 14 to sing. maybe everyone reaches this point in there life where they question what it is exactly that they are doing and has doubts about where they are going. i've been known as "the singer" now for years and i feel like my name has been replaced with "the girl who sings" and people know who they're talking about. its frustrating. dont get me wrong, singing is definately my passion and when im onstage performing im at my best, i guess its the times in between where i doubt that im cut out for this. my mom mentioned looking into getting an agent this summer and starting to audition for things and if i have to take a break from school so be it, my dad wasnt too thrilled about that idea but i know in the end he'll support whatever i decide. its just scary to even think about not finishing school, what would people think? i know that shouldnt be my main concern but when i've lived the past 6 years in the spotlight going home and telling people im no longer in school seems like i failed and im not used to failing or coming anywhere near it. its just really scary. theres so many people i dont want to disappoint, people who have been there for me through all my major accomplishments and even my little ones, first of all my family, karen, john, carlos, teachers from school who invested so much into me, everyone whos told me i can say "i knew that girl." i dont know if i could ever live with knowing i disappointed them. but what if im not destined for something huge? i dont know how to handle not knowing what to do...this is hard....
i ended up going home to get my windshield fixed. ugh. $350 later i can see clearly. no fun. anyways, it was great being home. didnt do much. went out to dinner friday night to some "hicks r us" place for my cousin marks birthday. its strange cuz he isnt a hick at all and i definately felt very out of place with all the mullets and such around, plus all they offered was fried food, not my cup of tea. there was this little girl sitting near me who kept staring at me and it was quite humerous when after eating a very greasy onion ring she rubs her hands all over her face, my dad and i couldnt hold back our laughter and were more than happy to leave. after that we went back to marks place and did karaoke all night and played pool, it was a lot of fun and of course the fam made me sing 5 million songs, i guess i should be used to it. saturday just hung out around the house most of the day, my dad dyed my hair for me, haha, and caleb and randy came over for a bit, its always nice to see them. that night we went to see sideways with my cousin jake and anne and her son ray, great movie. went out for dessert afterwards and had some much needed laughs. sadly, i had to leave early this morning to come back for work to be let go 3 hours early, blah. pointless drive back here i must say...
just finished reading "puppet" by joy fielding. VERY good book i must say, so many twists and turns, i just started reading it yesterday and finished it today, had to.
now im back in aa feeling very unmotivated as is usual i guess. ive been struggling a lot lately with wondering whether or not opera or school is the right thing for me. i know that seems extreme but im just wondering. its hard when basically since 6th grade i've known what i wanted to do when i grew up and have been training extensively since i was 14 to sing. maybe everyone reaches this point in there life where they question what it is exactly that they are doing and has doubts about where they are going. i've been known as "the singer" now for years and i feel like my name has been replaced with "the girl who sings" and people know who they're talking about. its frustrating. dont get me wrong, singing is definately my passion and when im onstage performing im at my best, i guess its the times in between where i doubt that im cut out for this. my mom mentioned looking into getting an agent this summer and starting to audition for things and if i have to take a break from school so be it, my dad wasnt too thrilled about that idea but i know in the end he'll support whatever i decide. its just scary to even think about not finishing school, what would people think? i know that shouldnt be my main concern but when i've lived the past 6 years in the spotlight going home and telling people im no longer in school seems like i failed and im not used to failing or coming anywhere near it. its just really scary. theres so many people i dont want to disappoint, people who have been there for me through all my major accomplishments and even my little ones, first of all my family, karen, john, carlos, teachers from school who invested so much into me, everyone whos told me i can say "i knew that girl." i dont know if i could ever live with knowing i disappointed them. but what if im not destined for something huge? i dont know how to handle not knowing what to do...this is hard....