What is this love you speak of?

[jailbaitat17]

Why is it that when a boy turns me down he becomes ten times as attractive? Is that fair? Why is it that I know five boys who would date me tomorrow if I asked them and yet I can't bring myself to want any of them? What makes me so attractive to some that they are willing to practically worship me and yet so ordinary to others that I don't stand out at all? How have I hurt so many people? I don't lie, I don't cheat (On the contrary I am cheated on) I don't try to hurt anyone and yet so many have beened burned by unreturned love from me. Why do I feel like I must be dependant on a relationship to be happy? When I'm in a relationship I'm not clingy, I don't weigh a boyfriend down with baggage, I usually keep most my secrets secret, and yet the concept of a relationship has become almost a crutch. I have been single now for a few months and I have finally been able to find myself. I enjoy it. And now I am bombarded again by attention I don't want. I have lost so much trust in men I am terrified to be in another relationship for a long time. Every guy I've ever dated has either lied to me or cheated on me or both. Every romantic interaction I have had with a guy (save one) has given me reason to question whether or not I am being used.

There is one person I love more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. And yet we don't relate on the same level and never will. I wish it were different but a part of me knows it never will be and that hurts.

I'm scared. I'm scared to be loved for fear of hurting someone else. I'm scared to love because I feel that if I misplace my trust one more time I will shatter into a million tiny peices. No I don't need a hug, or to talk I just need to think.