Emotional Wrecking Ball.
I've been a ball of emotions all day. Frustrations and emotions have been piling up and are slowly working on breaking my back. Somedays I wish that I had the ability to just shut down and reboot, or at the very least to distance myself from my overactive brain from time to time. I've never been good at keeping my emotions in check, and up until now I haven't considered this a flaw. My life right now seems to be a mass of negativity and stress, which makes my recent attempts at optimism seem like nothing more than a cheap mockery.
Between having no luck on the job front, to feeling like I'm a waste of space it's enough to make me doubt myself. I mean really doubt myself. There are thoughts buzzing around in my head that I can't voice, for fear that once I've said them, they'll spiral out of control, gain a conciousness and eventually destroy the world, Skynet style. Through it all, I'm doing my best to stay positive and not beat myself up. That's really freakin' difficult sometimes.
The one positive thing I have going for me is my relationship, and even then I don't feel as though I can really release molten crazy that is my life and talk to him about it. I try, and then I end up feeling either bad because I don't want to drag him down, stupid because I never seem to be able to put my words in the right order or like an idiot because I seem to get upset of trivial things sometimes. It's not because of anything he does and in fact it's quite the opposite. He keeps me sane - as much as I hate to say it, and I hope he knows that I appreciate everything he does. From the way he calls in the morning just to say good morning, to how he reminds me of everything that I need to be reminded of from time to time. To put it bluntly, he's amazing.
Between having no luck on the job front, to feeling like I'm a waste of space it's enough to make me doubt myself. I mean really doubt myself. There are thoughts buzzing around in my head that I can't voice, for fear that once I've said them, they'll spiral out of control, gain a conciousness and eventually destroy the world, Skynet style. Through it all, I'm doing my best to stay positive and not beat myself up. That's really freakin' difficult sometimes.
The one positive thing I have going for me is my relationship, and even then I don't feel as though I can really release molten crazy that is my life and talk to him about it. I try, and then I end up feeling either bad because I don't want to drag him down, stupid because I never seem to be able to put my words in the right order or like an idiot because I seem to get upset of trivial things sometimes. It's not because of anything he does and in fact it's quite the opposite. He keeps me sane - as much as I hate to say it, and I hope he knows that I appreciate everything he does. From the way he calls in the morning just to say good morning, to how he reminds me of everything that I need to be reminded of from time to time. To put it bluntly, he's amazing.